MichaelEmeryArt

BECOMING WHAT WE LOVE

This page is based on : ANNE A. LAWRENCE's paper" BECOMING WHAT WE LOVE" autogynephilic transsexualism conceptualized as an expression of romantic love

One reason is I can relate so well to a Quote in the paper :

           "Blanchard (1992) further hypothesized that autogynephilia was a variant form of heterosexuality that could coexist with and simultaneously compete with sexual attraction toward women. He also demonstrated that autogynephilia is merely the most common example of a broader category of paraphilic sexual interests that he called “erotic target location errors” (Freund and Blanchard 1993). Men with erotic target locations errors want to impersonate, or change their bodies to resemble, the persons or things (“erotic targets”) that they love: whatever their preferred erotic targets, these men, including autogynephilic transsexuals, erroneously locate those erotic targets wholly or partially inside themselves, in contrast to the usual pattern of locating erotic targets exclusively outside oneself. This phenomenon is illustrated by an excerpt from the autobiography of a nonhomosexual MtF transsexual, describing her simultaneous desire to have what she loves and to become what she loves:   

           "I was feverishly interested in [girls]. I studied their hair, their clothes, their figures. And I brooded about the increasing differences between us. I seethed with envy while at the same time becoming sexually aroused—I wanted to possess them even as I wanted to become them. In my nighttime fantasies, as I masturbated or floated towards sleep, I combined the two compulsions, dreaming of sex but with myself as the girl." (Hunt 1978, p. 60)

The term autogynephilia (literally, “love of oneself as a woman”) 


  I agree, in myself the urge to be "Feminine",is greater then,the actual sexual experience.yet the true,actual sexual experience,I do very much desire.- "being Feminine for a real man" (I don't see myself as a real-man) only partly,and much more Feminine.-me

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So if one reads my page "First Contact", one can see I was at least "Predisposed",to wish to be like a girl,be in a female role.

      So here is a Male class mate whom wants me as his "fem-boy friend",it was very easy and natural to fit into the role of being like his "girl-friend", I don't know to this day,what became of him,if he ever was in the Fem role,in other same sex encounters,etc

       Yet I do know,my friend (First Contact),reinforced feelings which already where instilled in me,then by him telling me some boys,are just "girl-like",it was fine,though not normal,thus I knew I just wasn't quite "so called Normal " already since at least 6 years old. I got a step-sister soon after my parents divorce,and my mother's soon re-marriage to man with two children near my age, my step sister a few years older,then myself. Her and I soon where secretly playing together,looking at each others bodies,kissing,fondling etc,I remember the first time,I seen her private part,then thinking "I want to be like her".

        I honestly can say, I have always wished to have breast and that my penis be replaced by a vagina,and often dreamed of being that way, yet from a early age I never believed in "Myths" or any form of Mythology,even to this Day,this is one reason I can't believe in the "Bible",Greek myths,etc.,Though I very much relate to the "Idea of Hermaphrodite" and " Thai Katohey(They look like women but don’t want to be women. They want  to have their own identity, meaning and roles to perform.)" and "Uranian is a 19th-century term that referred to a person of a third sex—originally, someone with "a female psyche in a male body" who is sexually attracted to men" - (yet,I can be with a female,if she is willing to allow me to be in my "fem-male role"-say performing Cunnilingus on her while a male "bones" me or she uses a "strap-on dildo to bone me )-Being the type of person they represent "not male.not female" parts of both.yet sexual oriented much more in female role, for myself to have sex with a male or a female is simply a sexual act,there is no title such as Homosexual,Heterosexual etc.it is simply a form of a sexual act,which I can perform and in what context depends on the person as a whole,not their "Body Identity" alone. For myself to actually have sex,based on physical appearance alone,is not likely to happen.- Thus it is all about the Role,for me and my female psyche.
      Like I have mentioned before ,though ,I was for quite a few years I was very promiscuous,having sex with many men in my "Fem-male" role,without condoms ,yet I was overall very selective,thus stayed safe,never contracted any illness,though at times wonder if I might be immune to---- "HIV"...turns out some people are immune-"Innate resistance to HIV / Wikipedia"- I wouldn't gamble on it though!

 Autogynephilia is defined as a male’s propensity to be sexually aroused by the thought or image of himself as female.

Would You Rather Be a Male or a Female? (Week 5)- wordpress


                   

If you were born a male instead of female, or a female instead of a male, how would your life be different?

Is being born with particular genitals a precondition to become any assigned gender?

The correct answer is no! We cannot assume that every male is a man and every female a woman. Being born male, becoming a man and desiring a woman are independent factors that can develop separately. In others terms it’s not because someone is born with male genitals that he is necessary a man. 

In some cultures if there is no male to assume the continuity of the lineage the female becomes a man to fit that role.



Books on Topic


             

                                   Stephen O. Murray, Will Roscoe


                     ♥            Front Cover

                                Front Cover

A point I need to make here as well, a maybe a common thought of people ,which maybe fact,yet may not be ,which is someone like my self looks at men sexually,on a Common everyday basis,this could be nothing farther then Truth!.I seldom ever look at anyone in this way,very,very few men am I attracted to,as well as females,it is very rare in both cases, For me to think about a person in sexual terms,I must talk to them,get to know them.

      My only real sexual fantasies I can recall, have been in my "cuckold role" when with a female,or simply in my Fem-male role,with a male whom is accepting of me as "Fem-male"

      I think the "Cuckold role " is so pleasing because it makes me feel,"Un-manly",and I liked it very much if my ex-wife or girlfriends whom cuckold me, told me that their male lover was much more manly then me,a better lover,etc.

excerpt from "On Memnon":    Ulrichs accepted the maxim that “opposites attract” and pointed out how it could apply not only to love between men and women, but to love between Urnings as well: “Just as between man and woman, so too between the virile Mannling and the girlish Weibling, in the appropriate age group on both sides, there is a completely mutual sexual attraction” (Memnon, 1: 16), adding in a footnote: “For here too a female soul is attracted by a male body, not a soul by a soul or a body by a body.” That he does not pursue the matter is probably due to this being outside his own experience, as well as to his acceptance of the principle that “opposites attract.” This principle was well illustrated in Ulrichs’s case, since he was attracted to markedly masculine young men and saw himself as somewhat effeminate. He evoked this principle to explain the fact that some Urnings were attracted to young boys. He notes that Mannlings and Weiblings are also distinct in the ages to which they are attracted. For Weiblings, just as for women, the range is around eighteen to thirty-six. For Mannlings, however, the range is from nineteen down to the earliest signs of puberty, and even beyond (Memnon, 2: xv–xvi). Ulrichs was surprised when he first learned of this, for: “This whole matter of Mannlings is foreign to my personal experience” (Memnon, 2: xviii). He can only explain this by the masculine Urning being attracted to his opposite, i.e., to girlishness (Memnon, 2: xix). But he adds parenthetically: “With regard to the prepubertal, I would nonetheless take such a sexual inclination to be a sickness.”

Also outside Ulrichs’s own experience is the love of the Urning variety he labels “disjunctive Uranodioning,” i.e., who feels only “tender-sentimental” love for his male love-object. To illustrate this he quotes at length from the letter of a 26-year-old Czech who wrote to Ulrichs on 25 October 1867: I feel my strongest, purest desire in the sight of charming boyish features…. The only thing that disturbs my illusion is, when the beautiful boy grows older and a beard develops; then my passion becomes more sober. That my inclination is natural is guaranteed by the fact that it does not decrease. In addition, only quite young, tender, shy girlish boys attract me, not strong and robust ones, and indeed only those with decent and pure hearts. How I would like to often press the beautiful boy to my heart and cover his pure eyes with hot kisses: and yet I dare not! (Memnon, 2: 88–89)

       My strongest attraction is for "young (18+) androgynous black males", that will take me as a Fem-male,which many have.  ( I just wish,I had become better educated / aware of and about my gender identity about my desires -1997-2005-) I think of several guys,I really liked,which I let get away..yet Societies Norm's I believe stood in the Way,to a large part.Yet they both where late 20's,I was mid 30's.

       Though a bit over two years ago( while still in re-hab) I found myself working with a very sexy androgynous 22 year old white guy, I did find myself "wishing he could -Bone me-" and if he had showed interest,it would of really happened,I am certain.That is the last time I've been truly interested.I even now and then wish I would of asked him if I could perform "Fellatio" on him.

I personally feel ,at this current time, "It is very appealing ,the idea of going to work everyday wearing a dress,publicly being a "Fem-male",I very much would do that in a occupation which allowed it,and the idea of breast implants is appealing,as well as taking Hormones, is not out of question.

The young Lady ,above is a model that came to my home to Pose for me to sketch, I always felt she might of been,a bit of nervous about being alone with me,Vulnerable...I did tell,not to worry I have ld hano sexual motivations.I just wish I could have told her then,   " I think your beautiful,yet I am a Fem-male,of the transsexual variety "

 So for myself to relate to Blanchard's - autogynephilia- theory:

             I clearly now realize that I wish to be Like a Female,to attract a male so I can be like the Female that I wish to be.

             A -Dilemma- of my mind, I often imagine or wish that a female or a group of females are watching as I am                 being" Boned by the Men", I often have the thought," I want them to see me,as one of them"

             The "gif" of me above shows I have a erection, Now this is pose,I would not do,I don't wish to  display myself,I wish                     my penis to be tiny and " Insignificant ", and when I was actually with the guys,I wouldn't often get a                            erection, and when I do ejaculate,which was possible if they took their time "Boning me",I was always                      limp and tiny when I climaxed-(extremely intense orgasms)


             So looking back ,by 1999, I was routinely seeing about 5 different men a week,(mainly in their cars giving them a  blow-job),                I nearly always wore thigh-highs for them to seeing me as "Fem-male",if they came to my home

             Yet in this year more and more of the men, began to "Bone" me and ejaculate in my bottom.greatly enhancing my Feminine                feeling.

I always desired to appear similar to this

The "Term" for me might be :(third-gender)18th century England: Mollies  ,19th century England: Uranian  ,Femminiello, in Neapolitan culture , Southern Mexico: Muxe  ,Travestis of Latin America have been described as a third genderPolynesia: Fa'afafine (Samoan),[69] fakaleiti (Tongan), mahu wahine (Hawaiian), mahu vahine (Tahitian), whakawahine (New Zealand Māori) and akava'ine (Cook Islands Māori).[70] ,Cree: napêw iskwêwisêhot, "A man who dresses as a woman" ,Lakota: wíŋkte is the contraction of an older Lakota word, Winyanktehca, meaning "wants to be like a woman" , Berdache, Among certain Native American peoples, a person, usually a male, who assumes the gender identity and is granted the social status of the opposite sex.

Berdache. A strange word, to be sure, but one that has a long and complicated history. The Berdache tradition is a Native American/American Indian tradition that allowed for gender role change.

Gender role change is the adoption, for various reasons, of a culturally defined social role that is dictated to the opposite sex. This means that a man could adopt the social role of a woman and vice versa. In the Berdache tradition, this was almost always a permanent change. 

Kathoey or katoey (Thai: กะเทย; RTGSKathoei  [kàtʰɤːj]) is a transgender woman or an effeminate gay male in Thailand. A significant number of Thais perceive kathoeys as belonging to a third gender, including many kathoeys themselves, while others see them as either a kind of man or a kind of woman.[1] Transgender women in Thailand mostly use terms other than Kathoey when referring to themselves.

Looking at the above photo of myself,  thinking if I where actually seek any type of surgery to transition to Fem-male/third-gender in a realistic,rational / practical fashion ,I would simply have my penis replaced as a vagina. As I know I can't really be female,not look female, yet without a penis,it would make me feel much more "Feminine",


           I do know ,a big,big desire in myself,something that greatly draws my attention/turns me on,not so much sexually,yet simply                that seems "how it should be".

           I just wonder if, a surgical constructed vagina,is a reality,,and I do know I love having a man's penis in my bottom,would it still              give me that ability to feel ?- one of those things that once it is done,it's Done! "Scary"

           I already know I am very much more Pyschologically Female then male,having a penis in my bottom and sucking cock is                     great,,,fulfills the actual sexual aspect of being in female-role, so I rationalize myself right out of any great desire for surgery.

           I really just think nurturing my "Pyschologically Female" self is most important, Like moving to place ,such as a City as San                  Francisco,etc. where I can dress as I like,(wear my dresses,thigh-highs,leg warmers etc.),date Straight Men.