MichaelEmeryArt

Evolving into a: Fem-male /androgynous and hermaphroditic person )

"The wisdom of all ages and of all continents speaks about the road to our depth. It has been described in innumerably different ways. But all those who have been concerned - mystics and priests, poets and philosophers, simple people and educated - with that road through confession, lonely self-scrutiny, internal or external catastrophes, prayer, contemplation, have witnessed to the same experience. They have found they are not what what they believed themselves to be, even after a deeper level had appeared to them below the vanishing surface. That deeper level itself became surface, when a still deeper level was discovered, this happening again and again, as long as their lives, as long as they kept on the road to their depth. . . . - Paul Tillich

My earliest memory I can recall,that as stuck with me through out life,which related to my sex-identity,I often would fancy,wanting to be like Tinkerbell around the age of 8 years old,yet very much suppressed that Notion.

Tinkerbell

I can remember in 7 grade,when we had to start showering at school in the open showers,this was very awkward,and felt I should be showering with the girls!

This is also the time of my "First Contact"-becoming another boys "fem-boyfriend",him treating me sexually as a "girl"- this also short lived and suppressed due to society.(I had to be a boy,to grow to be a man)

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Starting to Buy "PlayGirl magazine"

After the relationship ended with my friend of "First Contact", I not until 18 dated another person,her and I had a short relationship,she was the first girl I had sex with in a "male role",,It just wasn't right,yet wasn't aware why. Soon I met my "to be wife,and father of my children, yet in several years,I began "Lusting for Men sexually, and began buying PlayGirl mag and other magazines showing men nude and "Erect". I had to keep them "secret from my wife,which was difficult in it's self!,I masturbated often while fantasizing, of performing "Fellatio" again, and having a man in my "Bottom".By 1986 my second child 1 year old,I began asking my wife to have sex with other men "cuckold me ",my mother dies tragically,..looking back I think she was my "role model"(I was the middle of three boys,and she often would say "Michael ,I wanted you to be a girl.before you where born! ) At this time I also had got a Vasectomy, which I welcomed, I began to fantasize of not being a Man anymore,and lusting for my "Role" as I had been in,with my friend of "First Contact". By 1990 ,my wife asks me for divorce,saying she had fell in love with another man, I clearly understood,as I by now realized I wasn't a man like I should be for her,and was glad for her.I dated several females,till meeting a Female in 1995,thought I fell in love with her,yet again ,I asked her to cuckold me,and revealing to her the facts about "first contact",to a degree she embraced the idea of me being "Fem",she began seeing a male sexually(cuckolding me),she even told me "Michael,if you want me to ,I will ask him to "bone you",I told her ,I wanted to be boned,yet he just wasn't my type,that I was turned on by "black men",she said ,if she sees a black guy I might like.she would try to "set me up". I was now modeling for Art Classes(1997),my girl friend still cuckolding me,then I met my new Boyfriend,and soon he was Boning me ,in my "Fem-male" role,soon my girlfriend drifted apart.My new boyfriend routinely "boned me" for about 6 month's,then moved away.I began seeking as many "black men"(straight),as I could,having sex,in my Fem role.


1998-Starting to tell Guys to treat me "Like I'm a Lady"

This was a turning point for me, to realize that my desire was not only sexually attracted to men,but as a female ,truly realizing I desired to be "as a Lady".I began dressing as a lady for the guys,(wearing dresses,thigh-highs etc).I began asking the guys to call me "Michelle",telling them, I wish I was really a Lady.

note-nearly all the guys I seen embraced the Idea of referring to me as a "Lady"-telling me it took the "homosexual aspect out of our relationship",the stigma of they themselves being "homosexual"

1997-Subconsciously-Unfortunately for the most part ,I simply was going through "Life", not with any motive , plan, just doing what popped into my mind .For example when I seen the ad in the "River City Reader" (a small weekly news paper),.."Artist models needed,Davenport Museum of Art", I had to Do it!,my thoughts where at time,"I love drawing,maybe this will let me meet people with similar interests".The first class was tough,due to being nervous,etc,yet I loved it.


I do know there was no sexual motive about it in my my mind, my main thoughts seem to be, "I want to do the best I can,to present myself as a Muse, just as the females do,similar to them,..I can remember thinking often " I want to be like the females whom Pose.

After about a month posing,I shaved my genital region completely smooth,thinking this looks much better,for posing,cleaner,"more Muse like".

Shortly after this, I had a black male college student("James") approach me,asking me out on a date,he clearly was inquiring in the fashion,he wished a sexual relation,with me in the " bottom role ",he wanted to "Bone me ",he told me he liked me because I seemed "fem like".

I can't tell you how excited I was,yet scared,,I truly really wanted him,,the question in my mind was "If he takes me as "fem",there is no going back-my sexual role will be changed"

I was correct,about my role change, after our first date,which I only performed "fellatio" on him,yet after he climax in my mouth,and I truly found I loved it, and we decided we both liked this type role selection- I called it "him man,me female.

The next date he "boned me",this is when I knew I wanted to be like a Female.-1997

Soon I was wearing "Thigh-Highs",when I would see him,doing all I could to present myself "Lady Like" for him,I would tell him I wanted him to pretend I was a Lady,,like call me his Lady-boy friend,I even wanted him to tell his friends, I was his "Lady-boy friend".

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I would soon be introduce to "James's friend" (a black male),they would routinely "bone me"-"double team me" as a Fem-male"

I think at this time ,I realized my "true sex identity" was female or very similar,I know I very much wanted to present myself to them,to be as "Fem-like",as possible.Wearing thigh-highs,was a important way I would dress for them,asking them to call me "Michelle",telling them I wanted to be like a female for them.I mainly powdered myself with baby powder,in order to smell good,yet began trying female perfumes,see what they might like.

At this time,I never thought of "breast implants" or any other type of trans-gender,transformations(surgery or Hormones),and still don't consider to any high degree-6/16/2018

1999- begin clearly seeing myself as a "she-male.lady-boy" type person.still not totally embracing "transgender idea" though.

Not until,I looked in the mirror one morning and said out-loud to myself,"I wish I was a Female",did it really hit me!.

A question I have often asked myself - " Is being trangender genetically determined at conception?"

A excerpt from-religioustolerance.org


                          

Is transgender identity genetically determined?

As noted elsewhere in this section a transgender person is a person who experiences Gender Dysphoria (formerly called Gender Identity Disorder), Their genetic gender is different from their perceived gender. Some describe themselves as a woman trapped in a man's body, or vice versa.

This disorder is rare. It often causes serious personal conflicts and depression, often starting in pre-school children. Their level of frustration and anxiety is often so high that many become suicidally depressed. The rate of completed suicide for transsexuals was once believed to be about 50% by age 30. Since then, gender reassignment surgery (GRS) has become more widely accessible. Also, transgender persons are now much more widely accepted in society. Many transsexuals can now have their physical appearance modified to make them appear more like the gender that they feel they are. This surgery has been shown to be generally effective, and the suicide rate among transsexuals has apparently been greatly reduced.

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I do remember at a very young age thinking " something is really wrong with me",often thinking this by 6 or 7 years old'

By this time I was routinely - stealing my mom's,my grand-mothers panty-hose and wearing them under my pants out in public.

I began also wishing - " I wish I didn't have a penis ".

I remember feeling very ashamed of acting like this.

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My big revelation though didn't come really until , I could say to myself " I do wish I was a Female,yet it is Ok to be a Fem-male"

 and this didn't really occur til about 4 years ago,(2014),,after being in alcohol rehab for a year!,thus after much self-inquiry.

I do know I am as happy as I ever have been,and ,I love being a "Fem-male"
I love I am not ashamed anymore to say " I glad that I am a Fem-male "
Know at least at home I can wear my skirts/dresses,-be Fem,...I love feeling Fem and always have,yet no longer feel ashamed of myself, for not wanting to be like a man,thus have no need to feel "manly"

                         "I can put "Flowers in my hair" and it feels right now,free from shame"
                                                            

I would say now,-The Big difficulty is over-coming the society imposed need to be "Manly"-.  It's easy for me to be" feminine "


Transgender

Transgender
Transgender people are those who have a gender identity or gender expression that differs from their assigned sex. Transgender people are sometimes called transsexual if they desire medical assistance to transition from one sex to another. Transgender is also an umbrella term: in addition to including people whose gender identity is the opposite of their assigned sex, it may include people who are not exclusively masculine or feminine. Other definitions of transgender also include people who belong to a third gender, or else conceptualize transgender people as a third gender. Infrequently, the term transgender is defined very broadly to include cross-dressers, regardless of their gender identity.

"Wanting to be Female -6/16/2018"
  

So for me, to define myself as "trans-gender" or "Third Gender", I see it as a State of Mind,much more than what my "Body" to appears to look like, the Want to be "Female",is also more,much more than to be "Male"

My interests have always been much more Like a females,for example the sports I like,how I play them, such as I could care little for competitiveness to any great degree. I'd much rather watch figure skating than any sport such as baseball,football etc,"male favored sports"

I have always preferred hanging out with the "Girls"- knowing myself ,"I psychological have more in common with them"

I have tried my best to "Want to be" Male",,yet seems not of my" Desire"

Ever since youth "fancied" looking like this

Above website explores the "Fact"- that there are many more "Transgender "types ,out there then thought.


I think in part it might be due to fact-"Transgender"people have simply considered "Gay"- personal for me there ia a very Defined difference. That being my "State of Mind",not whom I choose to have sex with,or am attracted to.

I look and "gender reassignment surgery (GRS)" -" as though setting on the "Fence",and with great empathy for those whom choose that route.

Howerver if I look at the pictures of a few "T-girls" with and without breast augmentation-I see them in the same "Light"

As far as removal of my Penis,-I look at it as "I have a way around it,by offering my bottom"- and yet, if I woke up and I found I had a vagina,I would be "Pleased"!

.I have wondered ,would I miss my penis?, seem Like Not.yet who knows?.-" It is One of those things,that once gone,it gone!"

If I was younger,and was wealthy enough, "I think, I would be more likely to consider full transformation to a "Female body"- it wouldn't be out of the Question!- and would make it easier for a straight male, to be with me.I feel from their point of view.
-now though,it isn't a desire-" I am content knowing,I want and wish to be a Lady,but can't be" -maybe why we dream-

It has taken many Years to overcome the "Social Construct of Society"- I do much better see the Dangers though of a "Homogenized Society and Conformity"

It is- "Easier Often to Stay the Same,and Not Change"

I'm against a homogenized society, because I want the cream to rise.
Robert Frost

I also think- "I am glad to be not like everybody else,nor trying to be". so embrace my being a individual and unique,not a socially constructed idea.

"I do wish to say,even though fully transforming to Female is not practical for myself,I greatly empathize with those whom do! "

I do know if I could be "Born again for a new Life", I would try to be a good Artist,yet also be a Lady"-and have a "Hot" black guy for a my "Man"

" I do see much better now, that Death is not to fear,in one's Life,......the" Real thing to Fear is Mental Freedom"

"I think we never become really and genuinely our entire and honest selves until we are dead--and not then until we have been dead years and years. People ought to start dead, and they would be honest so much earlier."
- Mark Twain in Eruption

I believe sense, going through Alcohol Rehab,and having been sober now for nearly 5 years, and continued my meditation style,self-inquiry,etc. The Path which Rehab got me started on,and allowed me to accept myself,and better accept society,allowed me to much better see the effects of "Cognitive Dissonance",of not only the "Dissonance of having the sexually indentity of much more Fem-male,being attracted to men,wanting to be very much like a "Lady" for them. The more I "Mental Mature", the I love being Fem-male,and the more also seen to feel more "Femininity" in myself,as though it has been suppressed for so long, it feels so good to Free it!  now when I say " I want to be like the Girls " it feels natural and correct.

             Yet , I still live in a Society where feeling as I do, isn't so "Cool",yet acceptance of the Transgender type is                                            improving,becoming more understood, for example when I was a youth, the way I feel ,would of most likely be titled                              "Michael is gay and homosexual", thus not understanding "Michael wants to be much ,much more Feminine then                                   masculine". This is a very big aspect of "Group Think",that is having Forgot that ,the Human Beings body,is not,the Human                 beings Total Self,only Half ,if that!,,Looks of a Person,their Physical appearance(nude,without draped with any influcences                   of imposed Identity)"Tells very little of a persons real self". As a Society ,until we can overcome this ,we remain with one                   foot in the "Dark Ages".

 

             Personally I have very few interests in any activities titled "Masculine",and the interest in activities titled "Feminine" appeal                  to myself much more as the days go by.