MichaelEmeryArt

Evolving into a: Fem-male

My earliest memory I can recall,that as stuck with me through out life,which related to my sex-identity,I often would fancy,wanting to be like Tinkerbell around the age of 8 years old,yet very much suppressed that Notion.

Tinkerbell

I can remember in 7 grade,when we had to start showering at school in the open showers,this was very awkward,and felt I should be showering with the girls!

This is also the time of my "First Contact"-becoming another boys "fem-boyfriend",him treating me sexually as a "girl"- this also short lived and suppressed due to society.(I had to be a boy,to grow to be a man)

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Subconsciously-Unfortunately for the most part ,I simply was going through "Life", not with any motive , plan, just doing what popped into my mind .For example when I seen the ad in the "River City Reader" (a small weekly news paper),.."Artist models needed,Davenport Museum of Art", I had to Do it!,my thoughts where at time,"I love drawing,maybe this will let me meet people with similar interests".The first class was tough,due to being nervous,etc,yet I loved it.


I do know there was no sexual motive about it in my my mind, my main thoughts seem to be, "I want to do the best I can,to present myself as a Muse, just as the females do,similar to them,..I can remember thinking often " I want to be like the females whom Pose.

After about a month posing,I shaved my genital region completely smooth,thinking this looks much better,for posing,cleaner,"more Muse like".

Shortly after this, I had a black male college student("James") approach me,asking me out on a date,he clearly was inquiring in the fashion,he wished a sexual relation,with me in the " bottom role ",he wanted to "Bone me ",he told me he liked me because I seemed "fem like".

I can't tell you how excited I was,yet scared,,I truly really wanted him,,the question in my mind was "If he takes me as "fem",there is no going back-my sexual role will be changed"

I was correct,about my role change, after our first date,which I only performed "fellatio" on him,yet after he climax in my mouth,and I truly found I loved it, and we decided we both liked this type role selection- I called it "him man,me female.

The next date he "boned me",this is when I knew I wanted to be like a Female.-1997

Soon I was wearing "Thigh-Highs",when I would see him,doing all I could to present myself "Lady Like" for him,I would tell him I wanted him to pretend I was a Lady,,like call me his Lady-boy friend,I even wanted him to tell his friends, I was his "Lady-boy friend".

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I would soon be introduce to "James's friend" (a black male),they would routinely "bone me"-"double team me" as a Fem-male"

I think at this time ,I realized my "true sex identity" was female or very similar,I know I very much wanted to present myself to them,to be as "Fem-like",as possible.Wearing thigh-highs,was a important way I would dress for them,asking them to call me "Michelle",telling them I wanted to be like a female for them.I mainly powdered myself with baby powder,in order to smell good,yet began trying female perfumes,see what they might like.

At this time,I never thought of "breast implants" or any other type of trans-gender,transformations(surgery or Hormones),and still don't consider to any high degree-6/16/2018

At this Time,after being with James and his friend,this would be in all reality the end of myself desiring to be in the" male role ",and thus I stopped seeing females.

I realized I truly loved the role of "Fem-male",and felt it my "True-Self "- this is the point for myself where the "discovery of myself as a "Fem-male" really began,,where I truly accepted that- "I wish I was a "Female".



Not until,I looked in the mirror one morning and said out-loud to myself,"I wish I was a Female",did it really hit me!.

A question I have often asked myself - " Is being trangender genetically determined at conception?"

A excerpt from-religioustolerance.org


                            

Is transgender identity genetically determined?

As noted elsewhere in this section a transgender person is a person who experiences Gender Dysphoria (formerly called Gender Identity Disorder), Their genetic gender is different from their perceived gender. Some describe themselves as a woman trapped in a man's body, or vice versa.

This disorder is rare. It often causes serious personal conflicts and depression, often starting in pre-school children. Their level of frustration and anxiety is often so high that many become suicidally depressed. The rate of completed suicide for transsexuals was once believed to be about 50% by age 30. Since then, gender reassignment surgery (GRS) has become more widely accessible. Also, transgender persons are now much more widely accepted in society. Many transsexuals can now have their physical appearance modified to make them appear more like the gender that they feel they are. This surgery has been shown to be generally effective, and the suicide rate among transsexuals has apparently been greatly reduced.

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I do remember at a very young age thinking " something is really wrong with me",often thinking this by 6 or 7 years old'

By this time I was routinely - stealing my mom's,my grand-mothers panty-hose and wearing them under my pants out in public.

I began also wishing - " I wish I didn't have a penis ".

I remember feeling very ashamed of acting like this.

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My big revelation though didn't come really until , I could say to myself " I do wish I was a Female,yet it is Ok to be a Fem-male"

 and this didn't really occur til about 4 years ago,(2014),,after being in alcohol rehab for a year!,thus after much self-inquiry.

I do know I am as happy as I ever have been,and ,I love being a "Fem-male"
I love I am not ashamed anymore to say " I glad that I am a Fem-male "
Know at least at home I can wear my skirts/dresses,-be Fem,and not feel ashamed to myself,have no need to feel "manly"

I would say now,-The Big difficulty is over-coming the society imposed need to be "Manly"-.  It's easy for me to be" feminine "


Transgender

Transgender
Transgender people are those who have a gender identity or gender expression that differs from their assigned sex. Transgender people are sometimes called transsexual if they desire medical assistance to transition from one sex to another. Transgender is also an umbrella term: in addition to including people whose gender identity is the opposite of their assigned sex, it may include people who are not exclusively masculine or feminine. Other definitions of transgender also include people who belong to a third gender, or else conceptualize transgender people as a third gender. Infrequently, the term transgender is defined very broadly to include cross-dressers, regardless of their gender identity.

"Wanting to be Female -6/16/2018"
  

So for me, to define myself as "trans-gender" or "Third Gender", I see it as a State of Mind,much more than what my "Body" to appears to look like, the Want to be "Female",is also more,much more than to be "Male"

My interests have always been much more Like a females,for example the sports I like,how I play them, such as I could care little for competitiveness to any great degree. I'd much rather watch figure skating than any sport such as baseball,football etc,"male favored sports"

I have always preferred hanging out with the "Girls"- knowing myself ,"I psychological have more in common with them"

I have tried my best to "Want to be" Male",,yet seems not of my" Desire"

Ever since youth "fancied" looking like this

Above website explores the "Fact"- that there are many more "Transgender "types ,out there then thought.


I think in part it might be due to fact-"Transgender"people have simply considered "Gay"- personal for me there ia a very Defined difference. That being my "State of Mind",not whom I choose to have sex with,or am attracted to.

I look and "gender reassignment surgery (GRS)" -" as though setting on the "Fence",and with great empathy for those whom choose that route.

Howerver if I look at the pictures of a few "T-girls" with and without breast augmentation-I see them in the same "Light"

As far as removal of my Penis,-I look at it as "I have a way around it,by offering my bottom"- and yet, if I woke up and I found I had a vagina,I would be "Pleased"!

.I have wondered ,would I miss my penis?, seem Like Not.yet who knows?.-" It is One of those things,that once gone,it gone!"

If I was younger,and was wealthy enough, "I think, I would be more likely to consider full transformation to a "Female body"- it wouldn't be out of the Question!
-now though,it isn't a desire

It has taken many Years to overcome the "Social Construct of Society"- I do much better see the Dangers though of a "Homogenized Society and Conformity"

It is- "Easier Often to Stay the Same,and Not Change"

I'm against a homogenized society, because I want the cream to rise.
Robert Frost

I also think- "I am glad to be not like everybody else,nor trying to be". so embrace my being a individual and unique,not a socially constructed idea.