"First Contact"

Believe me I have thought of excluding this page from the site, yet it is important part of understanding history of myself.

I tried to write it out as I felt at time.

Becoming a "Girly-boy friend"

(based on actual events), granted my writing skills need improving, honestly trying to take old memories and put them into words.) The year was 1975(age 13), I was approached by a fellow student…(a black male, which I did not know, never met, same age as myself)..out of the blue he came and whispered in my ear one morning ,as I was walking down the hall of my then, junior high school…he said to me “I can tell that you would like to suck my cock”…then he smiled ,as he preceded down the hall ahead of me, with a walk, a female might intentionally partake in to define her self, a role as ,”see what I got”. I was in horror!, trying to imagine, that what just happened, “to the point of stopping in my tracks, I turned and dashed to the first exit to the outside world, feeling tainted and inflected by a idea of ,or was the shock of being discovered?

All day, All night, the next day, all the time!….like be taken by a spell, I couldn’t escape.

I didn’t want to even go to school, in fear, that ,he might spot me again, omg! , what then. and what would I do!, what if my friends found out, so now it was really “Top Secret”.

I had to go to school!..

I walk in the door of my study room class, by now it’s been all morning , I haven’t seen “Him” again and believe me, that’s all, I’ve been able to do all morning, is keep a eye out for him, at least sense “First Contact”.

I set at a table next to a friend,at least wishing a friend!, setting my books in front of me, getting seated, I naturally scan the view of my surroundings, OMG!, its “Him”!, semi concealed next to a large column, setting two tables away,…and staring at me!, with the biggest brightest smile a human could possible have!

My mind is over-whelmed, I can’t think, can’t do, it’s like I am frozen to my seat, I open one of my books, but it doesn’t matter which one, cause I have lost all ability to even read, I know he is staring at, “Me”, his “prey !, I truly have become!”, 5 minutes pass or no maybe it really was only 30 seconds, I have no idea of time any longer, I am processed by “Him” in my mind!

I want to flee, but where?..home?,no he will follow me! I can’t ..besides,that means standing up,..that will bring more attention upon “Me”,,,then,,in a moment of pathetic bravery ,I conjure up some survival instinct, maybe, it must of been that, primitive need to flee, thus needing to map one’s escape route!,..so with one eye,,as though a pretend periscope, I take a peek!….OMG!..he has his lips puckered, and with quick flick of his hand, throws “Me” a kiss!,,I am defeated,,like a terrified squirrel,,with books in hand,I jump up and race out the door!

Relief,,yet what do I do in this “Freedom of the Hall”?..I panic..then head the direction called “Away”,…away is a good word I can grasp at the moment,..yet a new image just impressed into my mind,”Those two big lips,”!..I think of church,,then what happens to those whom have done bad!,,I ask,..”what have I done bad?”..all can think of is “maybe I am cursed”,,then think..OMG!..”I said “Dam” last week when I cut my thumb”..

I wandered around the halls,trying to look as though, I knew where I was heading, yet wasting time till my next class, which was gym, last class..a bit of hope!

Going down the stairs,to locker rooms, I did my best to get undressed, get gym shorts and shirt on,.I couldn’t talk to anyone,due to fact that ,most likely ,I would simply start mumbling something to the effect of,..”Him,Him,,two lips”,in a fashion that of which primitive man,..200,000 years ago may have conjured up when,, processed by some unknown deity.

I made it up to the old gym,directly above the lockeroom/showers,seen a person I knew,I wish I could call him friend,yet at this point,,I no longer knew if he knew of my new contact,my new found admirer,,that I called,…”Him”.   I envisioned,the rumors spreading to all the people I knew!..oh my,..in another day, maybe two, or every single soul in this school will think “Him”,is my new Friend.

There is a track above,a track for running laps if one had the liki’n to, built maybe I think, when Carl Sandburg was young,didn’t really know,at this point, and any thought,,I could conjure up, that might bring hope,was fine by me.

I look up,,just to simply look!,I wasn’t searching for anything,had no real intent,wished no harm to anyone,..what do I see?..”Him”,…I’m beaten!,my face falls into the palms of my hands..I wish to weep even bawl, yet must be a man!.     looking up, he has the biggest smile, I maintain contact,eye in a attempt to prove my bravery..he doesn’t flinch!,,anger builds up in me,,it must be like the fight instinct, a little bird  has just before being eaten by a cat!,…not much good!

“Him” then smiles, gives me a little blow kiss, I try to tell myself that someone who doesn’t like me, has hired him to do this!, then ,he sends it floating down to me, with a flick of his wrist, I can no longer think, it’s  as though I was on a acid trip, living in a world surreal,…..I turn away in defeat.

I guess I functioned up on the gym floor, though I have no real clear memory of what really happened 30 seconds ago. Yet , now found myself in the locker room below, with all my every  effort to get dressed, and seated next to some one, whom looked like someone from my past, he talked to me like he was my friend!, then, as I looked up to this friend, as I struggled to tie my shoe, “Him” was there!..he stood behind  the one I think was my friend, then as if in a flash and rubbing his towel onto his chest, all wet from the showers, he stood behind and to side of my friend. All I could do now was stare at what had my attention, a black cock,,the size of a bottle of pop!, hanging  right there in my view!, “Michael”- Him said,….I couldn’t look up I was held by a trance, a complete denial set into my mind. Then I heard what I thought was. “It’s just for you! Michael ” and  he was gone,,my friend ,the one sitting next to me, then said to me “Why he say it was just for you for?”…I had no reply for his request, I stood and fled.

I remember running home, least  parts of the journey, yet  now found myself undressing, the focus was” I must take a shower , that will wake me up from this dream!”

I remember the water felt so good, warm  and good, the  soap smelt good, yet I was processed!,,now in my mind was a “big black dick”!,,and looking down to my feet to see if they where there!,,as a feeling from down there,from somewhere new,,I see I am erect,,now something inside me is starting to come out,,like I was throwing-up ,yet from my own erect!,,I started to feel spasms inside me from it,,started jerking about,with my hips.Quick I turning the water off, at the same time a great contraction,then spasm hit me from down there,,then a huge glob of what looked like spit ,shot out of the tip of my cock,,buckling me over,,another shot out,moan-out like I was hurt,,yet not hurt,,it felt so good,,OMG!,,what as Him done to me now?..I touched this stuff that looked like snot,,cautious,,wondering what it was,then I touched my cock,,it was very touchy itself,.I stood there think how did he cause me do what he did just now..and it did feel so very good,,and it seemed I was awaking from the dream,,I just was in.

I ate my dinner when called to the table,mom I remember asked “how was your day?”..I could not explain,so just said “good”,,then ate all I could.

In my room,I stared at the walls,all violet they where,the color I picked,when asked awhile back,”what color you want for your room? Mom wanted to know.   I drifted off to sleep with visions of “Him’s” cock in my head,,,I dream’t,,not sure of what,,yet “Him

was in it,,when I awoke..I felt wet as though I “Wet the Bed!”,yet upon inquiring..that was it,,omg,,it happened again in my sleep!..I smelt the sheets..I had never known a smell like this before,,grabbing the sheets up,I headed for the laundry..

I made it to school,,the dream seemed at least distant,yet in the back of my head,visions of Him,sliping in and out of my view,along with what happened in the shower last night and what was that dream, that made me do it again?

Last class was gym,..I figured I would see”Him”,yet the class was broken up,and he went with another group.My group went out side,the others ran laps inside on the track. About 15 minutes we went in early as it began to rain, coach told us to just shower up, I could hear what I thought where the others running up on the track,,so I thought, so I hurry, get a shower, …before “Him” gets down here..I was actually the first one in,hurried,,finished rinsing off,wrapped towel around myself..I head toward my locker..here is “Him”,but 20 feet coming at me ,towel around his neck,not his waist,doing his girlie walk,his big black cock swaying about with each step,,he says”Hi Michael”..to my amazement,,in a meeking sissy voice I say “hi”..as I look downward submissive like as I step aside of him letting him pass,,at the same moment,.thank God for my towel,,for I was instantly erect!..I hurry to my locker,,sat down,,sat there waiting for my cock to un-harden,then,the more I waited,,it more it throbbed,the more I thought,,the more I thought of the view I just got of “Him”..then suddenly sitting right there..what happened in the shower was happening right here in public,sitting in front of my locker,I just lost control,,and began shaking,my rock hard cock and hip as though began jerking as though a mind of their own,then then I lurched forward from the spasm as the first shot of snot erupted into my towel ,which I had covering me,,with three intense jerks and spits from my cock,,thanks fully I was able to get my locker open..reaching in grabbing my jeans,I quick got my legs in,,pulled them up and on,the next thing I did was get my towel in my gym bag after getting my shirt and sock out,,I was dressed in less the 2 minutes,and headed for home alone.

On the walk home,all I could think of was what is happening to me,How did seeing him,…why does thinking of him,seeing him and his cock, give such a great feeling,the most pleasure I ever known?

I was able to get a little home work right away,did the few chords mom had asked me to do,I then went and started doing some doodling/drawing in my room..I was fine for a short while,,the thoughts of “Him”,,suddenly,almost instantly filled my mind,,thoughts like “what is he really like,..he was nice today,,he really has always been nice,,he is good looking..I wonder if he likes drawing?..then the thought of,”I wonder if his cock does what mine’s does!”,OMG!,,my cock was instantly stiff and tight inside my jeans,I hurried as though some one sick and ready to throw up,made a dash for the bathroom.Once inside the bath door shut and locked..I relaxed a bit,seated now on the edge of the tub, I pulled my jeans down along with underpants, and set there touching my very erect cock..and in awl ,,asking myself as I looked down at it..”why is it getting so hard like this,what is this stuff called that spits out the tip then some inter desire over came,I leaned over,,seeing it was leaking a clear liquid , licked the tip..Omg!,,this tastes beautiful!,,thinking to my self,” why have I never done this before?..leaning over further, I easily took the tip in to mouth,again thinking…why didn’t I do this before,I began with focused vigor sucking,,just sucking like I couldn’t get enough,pulling this part of myself deeper into myself,,sucking hard to get it in,at the same time forcing and pulling my mouth to it. Then the image of “Him’s large cock” filled my mind,and with a burst of energy,I pulled myself down my own throat,no more to go,with my lips pressed to my balls,,and imagining Him and what it would be like if my cock now was his cock,,I began to jerk with the spasms,forcing me to lean back a bit,as the first glob,burst into mouth,I held my cock firmly in my mouth,as with every spasm,came a powerful jerk along with another squirt of this new snot like stuff!,I bucked about through the strong six or seven forceful spasms and ejections of my juices,as the spasms subsided,I began swallowing what was already in my mouth,,then began sucking with a vigor,,all that I manage out of the tip,till I became to  Sensitive,and had to give up.

My mind was racing with excitement/disbelief/and wonder,of what I had just done,,as I lay alone on my bed,,day dreaming,wondering if I should be now ashamed,for I had just created a special secret,mine alone..now thinking maybe cursed in the eye’s of God!..but yet it felt on the other ,it felt natural,as well as a revealing of a truth I sensed.

For some reason, this morning wasn’t as difficult to muster of the will to go to school.I even found that for some reason I wasn’t nearly as worried about seeing “Him”,except for gym..I was worry about ,doing again what I did yesterday,..however to remedy that,..I decided I would just wait and go home and take a shower…the day went good over , all seen “Him” in gym class,did” my sissy hi “to him again when said ” hi Michael”..I heard some class mates whispering loudly,,something to the effect of “Michael likes him”,..then I dashed home,,the whole way home walking as fast as I could take a shower,and now do what I did yesterday which felt so good,,I got to my house,dropped off my books and stuff ,..then raced to the shower,undressed,,stepped in to the warm water..by now fully erect to the point of hurting,,I didn’t dare touch it in fear of causing me to lose control.  I finished drying off,,I stepped out..all I could think about was,,sucking my cock,,I soon was sitting on the toilet seat,doing just that,,taking my time..forcing it down my throat,then out to suck it all in,,now though the whole time wishing it was “Him”. Seeing his cock in my mind, now was graving ,I wondered

Walking down the hall toward my second period class,I felt a tap on my right shoulder,it was “Him”..I said hi quickly,,then as he walked along beside me..he said” you know the woods down by the “dairy”..I reply “yes”…Him..just said” meet me there right after dark, 7pm,..if you want me”..then he hurried ahead of me,,Omg!..it was like having a “Hot potato burning my hand,and I can’t let go!.All the rest of the day,..again under his spell,..after lunch..I had to rush to a stall in the bathroom ,because I had been erect nearly the last two hours, “from imagining what meeting him would bring”..again I was mentally in that state of surreal!..

At home we ate dinner normal at 6pm..and being in 7th grade now,our curfew was at 9pm..and normally we were never asked what we where going to do,just the “Law was back by nine!,don’t make me come looking for you!(we had a step-father but he was like a stranger in the house,he did what he wanted, when he wanted us boys didn’t care,as long as he wasn’t around us!)..and tonight I really didn’t wish to see,,so I went out ,jumped on my bike,,and pedaled to “anywhere”..sense all that I could think of ,..is “what happens at 7pm”. I rode around making my general direction,point north,the way of the “Dairy”,..in the dairy was a clock, and the dairy was similar to a modern day convenience store..getting to the store I grabbed some bubble gum,looked at the clock, it said 6:58..Omg!..I was no longer calm..I walked out,in a daze,,got on my bike.started to go,pulled out,a car I pulled in front of slammed the backs on to avoid running me over,..I pedaled fast and right for the woods..as I approach down a narrow dirt path,,I seen “Him” sitting up the hill a bit on a old stump.I waved the walk was only about 100 feet,,so soon was near him,,my heart was beating out of my chest..as soon as I was about 10 feet away.he hopped off the stump,,and said “follow me”,,I did, as if a trained puppy. Being familiar with this place and growing up playing here,,I was certain where he lead me,,,we said nothing, and there business in the air.

My guess was correct,he lead me to very small space in the woods,a place I always liked,..due the the fact you were well concealed,yet one could easily see anyone approaching,,suddenly I had a sense of being at ease with “Him”.Stopping he turned to me,as he unbuttoned,then unzipped his pants,I could only watch with wonder,He softly said” it will be good for you,,I know”,as he slid his pants down,,omg!,his cock was already erect and pointed toward the sky,I watched it move about,swaying side to side as he stepped out of the,all the while watching me. Some what folding his pants into a pad,he the placed upon,the old tree stump he was in front of,then sat down on them,”Come here now for me,I really at this point would of jumped of a t.v tower for him I believe!..it was though by some long lost natural instinct,I knew what to do,,and very much want to do it!.

Destiny for myself was being set at the moment my lips and tongue touched and tasted the tip of his cock,I didn’t know it then,yet I do now.”Lick it awhile, we going spend a lot of time together,you and I,so no hurry”,I liked a lot when he said that,..omg!,did his juices taste good,his smell,the feel of it, as I slowly took more and more into my mouth,all the while my tongue busy feeling,tasting..all I wanted was to devour it,swallow it all,and that was my goal.My world was perfect,here on my knee’s in front him,pleasing ,him wanting him like nothing I wanted before,as though I was trained for this,,I sucked it,then swallowed it ,I couldn’t believe it,down my throat and so big!..I my self was soaked from the juices flowing from my limb little cock…I wondered why I was erect,didn’t care,,I was having a contant climax in my mind,,the juices where pouring out of my cock much more then when,I climaxed when alone..he then said,,”I am going feed you my cum,,in just a few,when I tell you ,I want you, to let me take it out of your mouth,keep your mouth open though,”.With it my gripping him,,he was moaning now,and jerking about,he had one hand on my shoulder the other stroking his cock for me,”OK.ready.I opened mouth up..watching and waiting,then,,he was huffing,stroking.then as I watched the head of his big thick cock,heard him moan out”awwww,yyy”,and quick thrust,the head of touch my lower lip,as a huge wad of cum impacted the roof of my mouth,with another wad shot out as he squealed out,,then he moaned out,”take it just in your lips”..steader he was,,I did as he said,softly holding the “head”..”ok Michael..just let it pump in”.I savored it beyond imagine,as it pumped in steady,by little gushes his juices pumped out..,,I wasn’t climaxing by way of my cock,yet I was having intense spasms..once he had stopped having the little convolutions,,I began to swallow his cum,hoping all the while ,just maybe more would come..”Michael,,,oh you did so well”then pulled me into his lap.I took the head in my mouth and gently held..as I laid my head on his thigh.

I think our second meeting was some what defining that I was not like a normal young male..I asked him “would you like to go in my bottom“,,He even cautioned me” if I do,you really are fem”

We met at same place,” once he was up inside me and climaxing”..I never climaxed at any time,yet the most “Psychologically” pleasure I have ever felt..I climaxed “physically”,just walking home from the “thought of what happened“our minds are powerful things!

It’s “Psychologically” been my secret role my whole life….that how society oppress’s the individual with their belief’s

Our next encounter was a Saturday ,there was a very large wooded area,I spent a lot of time exploring,skinny dipping in the large beaver ponds along it’s stream..I asked him if he’d like to see where it was, he was, so we decided to many a day of it,it was warm sunny etc. We packed lunch and hit the road on our bikes.

Opon getting there we,hid our bikes in the bush,and set off,..getting to the beaver..I reached in ,tested the water,,it was very warm,,,I turned to him and said “lets swim”..so we shedded clothes..I dove right in,,he reluctantly waded in til above his knees,,and splashed the water at me!..paddling over to him,,watching his cock swaying about..I was instantly wanting it in me,..so when I got to him..I took it in my mouth,in moments he was fully erect,,I stood ,turned,he mounted as he pushed into me, I pulled him into deeper water,,which we found,,help with “lube” aspect of getting it in me.Thrusting hard for maybe 5 minutes,he climaxed in me.We explored about the woods ,then would come back to pond,,he would Mount me in the water,climax,,thru the course of the day we repeated this 5 times,,then had to head home.

At school we talked that morning a bit in the hall,,I remember quite a few students slowing to stare at us,,which odd,yet the gay term popped in my mind,,I had to ask him what “Gay” meant?..so next break from classes upon seeing him in hall,I went up to him and whispered “what’s gay mean?”..he kind laughed quiet like as he said” men who like men sexually”..I replied “so”..(I didn’t in reality know it was bad).

The next day…the word I was gay was though out the school..omg!

Him and I met are usually place by the Dairy,,I told him I could hear students whispering as they walked past me in the hall today..he replied” that’s cause their White Daddy’s   telling them about blacks and gays bad”..as he got his cock up in me,bending me over the stump,,as he slowly went in and out of me..he asked “your folks don’t talk bad about blacks do they ?”..Trying to think as I squirmed about,and whined as he thrust…”no,no,”I moaned”…he was in me this day for longest ever maybe 15 minutes before climaxing up in me.Upon getting dressed,,we sat and talked,he told me to not pay attention to those others about being gay,he said then” your a lot me,just a lot more girl in your mind,you like violet,art etc.”..”yep” I do,,don’t know why,just do”..He said then “you really like me up in your bottom right…?./.yes/.he then asked “ok…I have a good friend,he seen us together Saturday, he asked me to ask you,,if he could go in your bottom..so I asking”..my reply was quick”who is he?”…”you don’t know him ,he is 16,lives by me”.. I said ” not sure. is he nice like you?”…replying to me “yeah,,he very good,,he has really big cock too”..I replied “How big?”,,”he replied” really,really big,,he and I measured it one day with yard stick..ten and a half inches”..my reply was “your eight right?..guess that two and half more inches could go in me, you’ll be with me right??”..replying he said” don’t worry..we will lube him good with vasoline,it will slide right in and up in you,,he has had it in my bottom many times”..replying to him” you like it to?”..he replied “he is the best,,I will tell him you will tonight when I see him,,,see you at school tomorrow at school”..he jumped on his bike and rode off.

Meeting “Him’s” friend….It was Friday after gym class was over,escaping and out the exit,I headed home,once out the door,,I was happy to feel free from school, and looking forward to exploring the woods,..the weather was great for a september day,very warm and just great. Hearing a voice behind me,,I turn to see to see “Him” approching on his bike, soon he was next to me walking his bike ,and asking “Can we go to the beaver pond tommorrow?”….I was hoping all day,,”day dreaming in classes”, him might ask what he at that moment did.,,So feeling though he had read my mind,..I felt a bit embarrassed,shy,found out and needy all wrapped up in one,..my reply was like that of what a “13 year old boy whom had just got caught putting on girls clothes or playing with dolls”…wimpisly, I replied “Yes!”..he said then,..”my friend said he could meet us at the dairy tommorrow(sat),,right after lunch ,,and we could then ride out to the beaver pond”.(then he jump up on his bike and headed off). A vision instantly popped in my head of this young assitant coach whom often took showers with us,,,who had a huge cock,,whom a few days ago ,,Him..told me “michael ,my friends cock is bigger this his!”..Omg!,I thought,in seconds my penis was fully erect,,I began to walk fast..wanting to run,,then the convulsions( Orgasmic) starting to over take me,..up ahead was a large maple tree right next to the side walk,I run to it ,with both hands almost place to the bark,I lean into the big tree just as the convulsions start jerking my pelvis involuntarily jerking my whole body,(,what Him calls “Cum”),I feel it squrting out,inside the confines of my jeans,,3 very powerful convulsions,,-(as though having the dry heaves I must of appeared to a friend whom rides up to me),asking me .”You ok?”)-then they reduce enough,,that I can reply to my friend-…”I think I ate something bad,thought I was throwing up”.

Saturday morning I awoke..day look great,,sunny,warm already,,my mind began to soon take me to the idea of” what will happen today,..then how can I get ready,,what do I do?.
The image of that big cock of the assitant coach,,only “black”..was in my head,,imagining it erect!..Omg!..now I was erect!,,I had to stay in my room now..omg!..I thought what can I do?..(at this point,believe or not I had never even truly just alone masturbated..I had only been sucking my self)..I laid back on bed.lifted my legs up and over me ,so they where pressed against the wall behind my head,,took my cock in my mouth,and swallowed it,sucked it hard,,in 15 seconds the cum began to pulse into my mouth as I jerked about with convulsions.

I rested a second,swallowed all the cum,,then…almost squeamishly went to bath room in the hall out side my bedroom,,got a drink..,then realizing how powerful this “climax thing is,by climaxing I can now “think” at least rationally!

I thought of what “Him” had said earlier about “need to get lubed up good for his friend”…so I began searching for a jar of vasoline,,soon discovering it in the medicine cabinet,…holding it as though it was “My best friend!”..I quickly got back to my room,..thought to my self,..”Ok, what am I going to wear?”…short and shirt of course!,,”Ok, what to take?..my knap sack for lunch/sacks/drinks!..of course!, so finding my knap sack,,I got my vasoline secured inside of it,in a sock,,sock under a towel,case before I leave my house and mom happens to look in it, at least it is not seen upon a quick look in!.

My turn to mow the yard,so I set off doing that,..which we had a big yard,and only a push lawn mower, which normally if I did it properly,mow and do trimming(there was no such thing as weed eaters then)..it took about two hours,that was if I didn’t get to talking to my neighbor the “Mechanic”..whom I liked to very much to..to learn of working on cars.

Lawn done,..I went in house..got drink and looked at clock, it saying 11:00, I headed for the shower,,first made sure I “poopied”..then jumped in shower,,got go and clean..”I want to look good for them,,I wanted them to want me”…I thought ,”what can I do ,how they may like me to appear?…what do girls do to look good?,,,flowers,pink,bows,,,I instantly thought of my “secret barbie dolls”..(they I had in toy closet )..I went and took a peek at them quickly,..thinking maybe they would give me a idea..” A neck-lace “..I had made one ..with a craft kit we had!..it I saved,and had in my room..so headed there to find it!.

Finding it,..I thought to myself..”I made it for my step-sister..but she wouldn’t be visiting til next week end,,plus her and I often did crafts,played with the barbie’s ,girl things we did together..so she would understand..she was the only one I would be able to talk to about..”me having “Him and now his friend as my boyfriends”…the idea of telling her..helped me feel better ,,just then.

It was 11:45 ,my brother was watching T.V still.(no one else was around)…I yelled at him..”I am going to the woods”..all my family knew what I, mean’t by Woods..as I began running a Trap-line there when I was 10. He replied..K!..as he watched some show.

I grabbed my knap/sack,,put my neck-lace in it,..my thought, was I would stop shortly before arriving at the “Dairy and see them”..I would put my neck-lace on.

There was a long dirt path through a semi-wooded lot which lead to the dairy,a short cut and the normal way,and very near where “Him” and I had been meeting so he could “breed me”. it lead to the back side of the dairy.

I was near enough now to the back of the dairy,,so I stopped,,got my neck-lace out,,and put it around my neck.then preceded to ride on around to the front of the dairy,,at that moment two black guy turned the corner coming from the front,,,It was Him and his friend..they pulled up in front of me ,as we came to a stop..placing our feet on the ground.Him quickly introduced his friend and I ,,then said..”Lets go..his friend and I followed behind.

I was thinking to myself..”this new friend is very tall at least 6 foot,,yet trying to convince myself as I peddled behind them on the street that lead out of town, “he did talk like he might be 16,his face looked 16,..so he was 16..good enough,,I convinced my self!.

Getting to the beaver Pond,,…Him was the first to say “Lets get undresses as he instantly began unbuttoning his shorts,,his friend and I followed his lead..Standing there completely and nude,,I looked at this new friend,,my eyes where glued to the biggest erect penis I could imagine…and it was right there,..and like my father’s it was un-circumcised!. Him’s voice woke me from my trance…”Michael,Michael..you like it?”..squeamishly…I said “yes”,,Him then said in a half way commanding voice(which I think I needed at that moment)..”he loves sucked on,,go try it”..Omg!..my knee’s where shaking as I stepped near him..as soon as I neared him,,I dropped my knees to the ground,more in need of I was afraid they would buckle and I would fall!,…

My knees fell upon some sticks,so I got them cleared,then look up at this massive cock,un-circumcised,now a clear line of liquid hung from the tip,Him’s voice I heard then from the side,” Now get your lips around the tip”..I did..”Now slowly take your fingers and side the skin back, his looks like ours..that skin just covers the head of it..you get a nice surprise”…I took my fingers and did as Him said,,holding the tip in my mouth I slid the skin back.Omg!…a huge amount of that clear liquid(pre-cum I know now it is called),..flowed in to my mouth!..as like some innate instict,I began suckling,,like a baby on a breast,,swallowing all I could get..even Him said “easy Michael..before you make him cum,let’s get your bottom ready for it,,,”Him” came around behind me,helping me get on my knees so my bottom was up and in Mounting position..”Him” had gotten vasoline out,which he brought himself,,he began lubing my bottom,as I sucklied on “Friends”,,then Him said” I am going to squirt some lube up in your bottom,so don’t be alarmed”…I felt something like a finger sized thing enter me,,then the liQuid..”Ok try to hold that in you til “Friend” gets his cock started in you a bit”..Him said

Moving over to the old fallen tree….”Him”,..then said to me “Lets get you spread eagle over on that fallen old smooth tree,I picked it out..last time just for this moment”. Helping me up as I allow “friend’s cock free from my mouth,,I allowed myself to be guided to the tree,..Him layed a towel that he brought,,on the tree,, then told me to lay face down,so my cock was on the towel, my leg on the side of the tree..I did as directed,,Him asked me “you have ridi’n horse before,this kinda like bare-back riding!,,I will set in front of you,so you can have my cock if you want…but wait a bit while “friend” get you loosen up,..he and I have talked,,and he knows you have never taken 10.5 inches,,and he is going to go slow,,and give you a very long mount,,a half hour maybe”..just then I felt “Friend’s”..left hand grip my left hip firmly,then the pressure of his cock head against my bottom opening,..then more pressure, then ..a plop as the mushroom head of his cock sunk totally in,,I involuntarily jerked hard and wimpered out..”..I now had my head laying in Him’s lap,”Him”began talking as he gently ran his fingers thru my hair”Michael,,relax,.he is going slide it up to about 8″,,then you feel some pressure,,there is ,it kinda curved like..it just his cock going round that curve is all..so there will be another “plop”,kinda like when his head entered you,,so relax,,let yourself be taken,,it well be fine”.

“Friend”was sliding up in me slow..being un-circumcised felt different yet not sure how..but very,very good!sinking up in me..then I could feel the pressure,I tensed a bit,and moaned out,,then “Him” said “ok Michael ,,now let it in,,I’ll hold on to you”..then I could feel “Friend” pushing harder into me…then,..it was more like a intense internal,and lots of pressure..then like a stomach cramp,,I began wimpering and squirming ..grasping.”Him”‘s legs tight,,”Michael..one more inch and he is in”..I just started crying out,with moans,wimpers,,non stop now.”Michael,his is in ,,now he is going keep there for a while,and just barely move it in and out,you wiggle on it,,soon it will be driving you wild..”..I couldn’t be quiet,except for the moments I would get Him’s cock in my mouth,then let let it drop out as “friend” pushed a bit,.then bawl out again,,,then friend,,slowly started to with draw it..omg..I gobbled up Him’s cock quickly..swallow all 8 inches..like I wished his cock to gag me,and shut me up,nearly out of me,.. “Friend” stopped his withdraw from me,..then with ,Like a slow swing of a batter hitting a ball,,Friend sunk all of himself back up in me..scream out and clinging.. to Him even tugging,,as I wrapped my arm around Him’s waist now,holding on,,again,did same.again..then again..til he was moving fully,out ..I was shaking terribly now,I couldn’t have got up on my feet if I tried..”Friend ” began to moan out,then he start convulsing,,just a few short thrusts,,then he stopped,moaning out loudly.he started jerking about..I felt the warmth his cum as it drained into my bottom,,then “him” said “Michael get my cock in your mouth,,I am ready to cum to,,I got Him’s cock head just inside my mouth,when the first pulse of cum,spat out and onto my tongue,Him jerked about,squirting another,,til as least 5 loads collected in my mouth,,wrapping my lips firmly around the head I carefully suckled out the last amount,,all the while,driving Him crazy,,making him squirm..til ,he finally..had to pull away..then saying “Michael..you driving me crazy..”…I giggled a bit,,still swallowing cum..I said”I had to get a little revenge after what happened to me!”..we all laughed.

to be continued-2-20-2018  


                   I have thru self inquiry ,trying to recall memories of my earliest signs of sexual identity type "markers", I do know my mother was my role model, I had no male role model (after my mother and father divorcing -my age six),this was lost, I did not really care for my step father.did never admire him, verse very much admiring my mother/her role.

                   I think I might of be some how pre-disposed to being feminine/wishing to be in female role, and by circumstances,timing,                      meeting my friend above whom offered the opportunity, timing on my part being had just began to ;                                                        masturbate/auto-fellatio, then to suddenly meet "Him", he offers me the chance to fellatio himself, I very much desired to                      and once I actual was performing fellatio on him, him saying I really should of been a girl-which I loved when he said.                          I think though ,once he started penetrating me anally,and the fact I psychological loved it, -

                                                    " my Role was set for Life "  female role

Not until 1994 when becoming involving with a female in a what I thought was "being in Love" type sexual relationship, then within a year myself "begging her in essense,to cuckold me with a male she knew,she was hesitant at first,yet soon was seeing him, she would describe their sexual exploits to me,this went on for some time,then one day she asked me if I would like to really watch them, I told her,yes,,after seeing his cock in real life (which it is very large),she asked me if I wanted to suck it, I told her "I think I do". She said she would ask him, yet I chicken out at last minute,though I really did want to. Then not until after starting to model,then meeting a man on my own,yet still seeing her,telling her I wanted this new man to "treat me like a Lady", she told me,"Michael,admit it your a feminine type guy at heart,go for it!" So since I have only been in "Lady role for men"

So to this Day,even though I tried very much to play the conventional role as a "Real Man",I realize that I want just to be a another Real Man's "Girly-boy friend"

In school at that time 1975,I think that the fact that the girls,where openly calling me "gay",the rumors,making fun etc.was very tough to handle,even though true,I liked being in the role of being a boys "girl friend",I wanted to be like his girl friend for him,I loved him for making me feel so girl-like,he'd give me flowers,candy,tell me how pretty I looked.

Just a "Fem-boy"
me at age of "First Contact "

Schools and Transgender youth

  I often wonder what if? it would of been like if they had Unisex showers along with boys and girls showers for gym class. (after first "Contact" I stopped taking showers at school, as I felt I was supposed to be another boy's,fem-boy friend and I was aroused by wanting perform "fellatio" or be in the receptive role(have a boy "bone me".

  I read about President Obama's Law;

I believe it would just be easier to have Unisex bathrooms (one person in at a time),we don't at home use bathroom togerther,when I was in Rehab,we had individual showers.

I can Imagine; Say at the Time of my " First Contact " what it could of been like if Society(American) had already accepted the Third-Gender, I could of gone to school wearing a Dress,everybody would have simply know I was Third-gender,I could of had a boyfriend whom was straight (if he was brave enough),I could of played with the girls to a degree(at least they would have accepted me,as someone Accepted,and not made fun of me for liking boys sexually)..Yet I know it tough for most to envision, by studying all the Cultures which have accepted the Third-gender for thousands of years, maybe we could escape our augmented reality,thus stop creating negative,ever creating Evil!watch Leo video....my Good Wolf vs.Bad Wolf page    "What is the Devil?"


I think one can wonder " Only what if ", til blue in the face, yet now in the present, I have to ask myself what if the "Third-gender", say as the the United States had accepted a  ‘Fa’afafine’ type culture, say even a single state,where this culture resided, like a large Native American reservation, yet large like a state,say Like Florida,in that State it is clearly defined Third-gender,trans-gender type reserve,yet all genders allow, a State when entering it,you are completely aware of this. For example when you go to the store,it is common to see people as myself,a male wearing a dress,bra..my identity is clearly known,I am a feminine male.At the time I was of age,as my body and mind where clouded by desire,and when this male seen me "Him" (first contact), he was as well,naturally, he desired me, just as any cisgender male might desire a girl, no difference,other then I was the type of person he desired, a feminine,androgyous male, by presenting his self to me as he did, was not wrong, he made it very clear the role he wished me for,and it just so happened the Timing was perfect, I was ripe for the taking, and I was willing to submit, I very much wanted what he had to offer, I can't say my being attracted to his offering was innate,as if by Natures (God)design I was Androgynous,who but Nature can know, After it had happened,it didn't feel wrong,or un-natural,,not until returning to the realm of societies rules,did I feel shame.

 I truly don't think the public understands how important " One Identity " is, Yet all one has do is look around,  "Self Identity" is a major problem in American ,,just look at the Tattoos,,"Study Examines Role of Tattoos in Construction of Personal Identity"

 Sexual Identity might be the number one driving Force to even Live!, those whom are not of Third-gender variety, that are just straight/cisgender,,can't be expected to know unless shown, one way might be to simply ask them to become celibate for at least 2 years,I am sure females would have easier time,as long as they didn't get raped or something not good, cause men will not do it,it will not happen!..the crime rate would soar!

Now One knows what it is like to hide your identity, you can't go to the store, the movie,nearly anywhere with a date,without being stared at, etc. Alone cisgender people meet a mate by being out in public,being seen in their real identity, the very basis of Life it's self, This is not a reality today for a Third-gender person, Then people wonder what all the fuss is about!

I have not read this book,yet would like to soon-

The End of Sexual Identity

Why Sex Is Too Important to Define Who We Are

by Jenell Williams Paris  .ivpress.com

Excerpt from "Personal Sexual Identity" ;

           "After reading a recent blog by Dr. Lisa Firestone, Identity, Sexuality, and Societies Assault on the Self, which is an analysis of John Irving’s book, In One Person, I immediately began to reflect on the role that sexuality has played in my life and how my sexual identity has contributed to shaping me into the individual that I am. Sexual identity is fundamental to a persons overall sense of well-being, it is an important part of how we interact with others. Identity formation, and specifically sexuality are of the most basic and essential aspects to being a human. In order to have a healthy process of this formation of the self, it is important to allow others to freely express themselves without discrimination."

What does anyone really know about human sexuality, unless personal have experienced it to know for self. I have read what Freud thought,,seemly focused on "need for physical pleasure which he called the ‘libido’ " then his student Erik Erikson developed a  8 stage Personality development theory

Neither of which I can find helpful, 

I can relate to Jung's view here;

                 " Jung believed that “homosexuality is a result of psychological immaturity and, consequently, [is] abnormal and disturbed” (Hopcke, 1988, p. 68). Along with this view, he held the theory that male homosexual personhood is the result of an infantile relationship to the feminine, variously termed a “mother complex,” “anima identification,” and “unconscious matriarchal psychology”, as my parents divorced when I was 6 years, and my"Mother became my role model, as well as my "Grandma", so maybe I am abnormal,I already know that, disturbed, yes maybe by society,other then that, I just see world from a different point of view, and it seem a lot less disturbing then the way the majority do.

I do like this; 

                                  Eugene Monick, in his analysis of the homosexual immaturity and femininity positions of analytic psychology, concludes that they are at heart “naturalistic fallacies” (1987, p. 116; see Hillman, 1975, pp. 84ff). He asks, is one man more in tow of the Great Mother because he avoids  her earthly counterpart while another is less so because  he cannot live without her? Is one man frozen in the Great Mother’s  embrace because he is not drawn to her breast while another  is free of her chains because he is? (Monick, pp. 119-120)
 Monick is sharply critical of analytical psychology’s approach to homosexuality: “The effort to dictate who a man should love is perverted theology. It is the psychological counterpart of monotheism, dominated by patriarchal triumphalism, demanding adherence to the patriarch’s one true god” (p. 120). Hopcke, in the most detailed discussion of Jung’s views on homosexuality and personhood to date, is equally harsh in his summary: Jung’s view of homosexuality as psychologically “immature”  or “infantile” is based on a rigid sexual teleology, and genital  heterosexual practice in the telos. Such a view is neither accurate  empirically in light of subsequent research nor, for that reason  is it particularly useful in gaining a better understanding of  homosexual men and women. (1988, p. 69)

In the above responses to Jung's ideas on Homosexuality, he is very much - not agreed with, and I follow suit, I don't think Jung cared to study Homosexuality, maybe because he was so biased about, never the less,as a respected person,his personal opinions should have been kept to himself.

However here it says ;  "Jung emphasized the feminine in his analysis of homosexuality, just as he did in many other areas, such as his treatment of parental origins (Monick, 1987, pp. 51ff). Perhaps in actuality gay male psychology is deeply involved with the masculine. This is suggested by Jung’s third theory of homosexuality, that it represents “an incomplete detachment from the original archetype of the hermaphrodite” (Hopcke, 1988, p. 75), a symbol of wholeness, of the Self. If one of Jung’s theories of homosexuality characterizes an “incomplete detachment” from the psychological feminine, then in terms of achieving an individuated hermaphroditism there needs to be a corresponding theory of “incomplete detachment” from the masculine, a theory of homosexual relationship to the archetypal male. To 

However here Jung seems to have realized, the harmful effects to a statement such as "abnormal and disturbed” , 

 Here he says; "


Usually characterized psychologically by identification with the anima. (See also mother complex.) Jung acknowledged the potential neurotic effects of homosexuality, but he did not see it as an illness in itself.

In view of the recognized frequency of this phenomenon, its interpretation as a pathological perversion is very dubious. The psychological findings show that it is rather a matter of incomplete detachment from the hermaphroditic archetype, coupled with a distinct resistance to identify with the role of a one-sided sexual being. Such a disposition should not be adjudged negative in all circumstances, in so far as it preserves the archetype of the Original Man, which a one-sided sexual being has, up to a point, lost.[“Concerning the Archetypes and the Anima Concept,” CW 9i, par. 146.] 

Here I relate to "incomplete detachment from the hermaphroditic archetype"


--------------Scott Pearson's writing---------------------------------------

This thesis contends that the European colonization of North America has led contemporary American society to lose reverence for the embodied balance of masculine and feminine, the divine balance of androgyne, and the interconnectivity humans share on the spectrum of sexuality, race, and gender. It is the argument presented here that this disconnect creates little respect, understanding, or tolerance for present-day members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, queer, questioning, and two-spirited (LGBTQ2S) community. It is further postulated that in many indigenous societies of North America and Canada, the two-spirit (feminine-spirit man, masculine-spirit woman) held a special place in the community, often being revered as great shamans and healers and powerful warriors within the family and community systems. 

This thesis explores how the restoration and appreciation of archetype, two-spirit theory, and identity formation throughout the process of a gay male’s individuation process could increase awareness and acceptance of Karl Jung’s idea of the Self, or the process of integrating one’s personality. This process also has implications for the interconnectivity of sexuality, race, gender, and the sacred among adolescent and young adult gay males.

The transition from childhood to adolescence is a significant developmental phase in which a child develops a sense of self and identity. Developmental theorist Erik Erikson (1956) contended, “In order to experience wholeness, an adolescent must feel a progressive continuity between that which he has come to be during the long years of childhood and that which he promises to become in the anticipated future” (p. 91). Historically, rites of passage and rituals have been important personal and cultural events (Campbell, 1949; Eliade, 1995; Turner, 1969; Van Gennep, 1960). They served individuals and communities by creating and providing a framework for transitioning between developmental stages and with incorporating new conceptions of identity (Slayton, 2002; Woodman, 1980).

One way to approach this transition into adulthood seems to be an effective, consciously designed curriculum that can serve as a rite-of-passage experience for gay men as well as an introduction to alternative strategies for gay men to gather and share their experiences. Further, such a curriculum might promote an evolving awareness of the value of both the masculine and the feminine and empower the community to support a young man’s transitional life stage by providing a program that can be facilitated by other caring men. The author’s personal and shared experience of these transitional stages along with the current lack of significant rite-of-passage rituals for gay men in contemporary society have provided motivation for this inquiry.

Social psychologist Francis Dane (2010) used the term action research to describe inquiry conducted to solve a social problem (pp. 10-11). In this viewpoint, the creation of a rite-of-passage program would address the problem that these types of rituals are important and necessary, yet they are lacking in contemporary society (C. Jimenez, Vice President, Liberal Religious Educator’s Association, personal communication, August 5, 2013). Lacking acknowledgment and support during these transitional times, youth transitioning from childhood to adolescence can subsequently have difficulty navigating and incorporating a positive self-image (Allan & Dyck, 19

1987; Woodman, 1987).

This issue engages me because it speaks volumes about who I am as a member of the LGBTQ2S community and the struggles and triumphs I have experienced because of it. It also holds a special place of reverence for my Blackfeet Nation ancestry, which I hold in high regard. Further, I feel more work needs to be done in the area of indigenous and LGBTQ2S rights and justice. If I can in some way increase acceptance of Self and acceptance of community in regard to sexuality, gender, and race among gay men by researching and creating a beneficial workshop curriculum, then my research will have been successful.

My own personal journey of recognizing my own two-spirit identity and embracing the androgynous, masculine, and feminine energies within me is of primary interest. Shamanism and my indigenous heritage have always spoken to me through my connection with nature, animals, and my ancestors. I will incorporate these ideas into my psychotherapy practice and the formation of this thesis and its birthing of a workshop.

Guiding Purpose

Through research, synthesis, creative interpretation, and clinical application, this thesis examines ways to engage adolescent and young adult gay men and possibly their partners with experiences that support their new and emerging androgynous, masculine, and feminine identities. It culminates in the production and presentation of a curriculum and workshop geared toward various gay adolescents and young adult males that encourages them to begin to celebrate their own interconnectivity and diversity through exploration of worldview, shamanism, movement, archetype, sexuality, race, and gender. Another goal of the workshop curriculum is to facilitate a process of individuation in gay men and the groups, communities, and organizations they represent.

I will post the complete article at Androgyny page

Though I think that I was born with maybe " pre-disposed "(Natures way) leaning toward feminine, as I most of my life have felt different from so called "normal male " activities, I have never had desire to be masculine, to be honest I don't relate to men in many ways at all.

excerpt from above site   ;   "Children in early latency (five and a half through seven years old) initially responded to parental separation with extreme pain and sadness, and experienced great difficulty finding relief for their distress (Kelly & Wallerstein, 1976). Later latency-age children (eight to 10 years old) initially seemed more poised than younger children (Wallerstein & Kelly, 1976). They were energetically intent on the mastering of their fears and emotions (through play and fantasy) in order to achieve a sense of coherence. However, they experienced intense anger and a shaken sense of identity. By the one-year follow-up, responses to parental separation had become less intense, with anger the most enduring response. Half of the children were more disturbed than they had been initially."

                                         I think for myself this was most traumatic event in my life. the world got turned upside down

           I have searched internet much on topic of this above "effects of early childhood divorce ", little have I found.

           In my case, I was middle child of three boys- 4,6 and 8 years old, myself 6 years old. the year was 1968 divorce not common

                 My mother then quickly married a man, whom didn't care about us , now I know,after studying "sociopathic behavior";                          he showed all the signs to be labeled as a sociopath. examples; 

                            Callousness/Lack of Empathy
                       Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others'                            feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. 

                     Grandiose Sense of Self

                       Feels entitled to certain things as "their right." 
                     Glibness and Superficial Charm 
                      Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle my mom,paid most the bills.
                        Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor                         work ethic but exploits others effectively.

                   My point here is I had no Male role model, I truly believe it effected my two brother as well in different ways,                                                                                  note.(my real father was a very good man, just not there as a Role Model

Going back to the Zuni culture, here is a so called primitive culture , they had a evolve system of caring for the children in the case of a marriage break up, very well knowing the great impact divorce has on the developing child.

We need to ask ourselves …." How really developed are We as a Society?"

I think this is good place to bring up " Beliefs "

   First off, anyone whom has a religious belief knows how difficult it would be to change their Belief  " Just try it "

     My guess is 99.9 % of adults whom where raised as a child from birth, learning/living in a culture of a set belief can not change            the Core belief , one may look at other beliefs, like some aspects of them, yet will never completely dispose of the original belief.

     This one reason people Whom try to impose their Beliefs on to others of another belief, is so damaging, and is so Naïve, If one            looks at the studies of trying to convert the Native Americans to European beliefs, the only success was the very young, and then        they had to removed from their existing culture.

Thus myself or to myself , or anyone to themselves , your " Core Beliefs ", are pretty much not likely to change, one might said they have,act as though they have in a public way.,  Yet like One's Identity Belief, it is not likely to change. and most likely a stronger force even then a religious belief. Thus to change One's sexual identity belief, is unlikey, believe me I tried, call it a mental illness, a distorted mind. that's seems to be Society's way. 


                                                          Yet it is a Belief

Religion definition, a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.

Religion may be defined as a cultural system of designated behaviors and practices, worldviews, texts, sanctified places, prophecies, ethics, or organizations, that relates humanity to supernatural, transcendental, or spiritual elements. However, there is no scholarly consensus over what precisely constitutes a religion.[1][2]

"Its dynamic allows two people to find a life that could not be found alone, for a marriage becomes greater than just the two persons," Kennedy wrote of marriage. "Rising from the most basic human needs, marriage is essential to our most profound hopes and aspirations."

"It is of overwhelming importance, however, who it is that rules me," he  continued. "Today’s decree says that my Ruler, and the Ruler of 320 million Americans coast-to-coast, is a majority of the nine lawyers on the Supreme Court."

Your content goes here...

     First Impressions, first of experience,the first Sight of,  

This is a Topic of great interest to me, and has been for a long time, concerning why I prefer seeing Black men.

             I think the way " Him " ..Handled me made the most lasting impression, physically seeing him nude in locker room walking toward me for the first time, feeling so excited,is a impression I carry with me. How he said " his cock was just for me ", and on the walk home,  knowing I very much wanted.

           ♥  I think the fact that he had put me in my Role, and I very much felt naturally good about this role of being his femboy friend, it became my own first impression of my own natural sexual role.

             He didn't ever handle me forcefully, always gentle. ,say if I had his cock in my mouth, and he was about to ejaculate, he always warned me, so to be ready, thus not choke me,or if boning me using lube, etc.

             How he reinforced to me " it was ok to be Feminine, and some guys simply prefer to be in female role"

             I think also he never showed interest in switching roles, in my mind I was the girl ,he was the boy, and I loved being the                    "girl.", I loved him up inside me, how he jerked about as he climaxed,was so good for me, just the fact I could make him feel                 so good, made me feel so good, so by being girly like, maybe reinforced wanting to be even more feminine like, I didn't                      realize until after we had been having sex,  the social aspect (the anti gay stuff etc.)...of me taking the girl role, yet my mind                  was set I believe, this way my "Role"

           ♥  As much as I have tried to change my Role, just as violet has been my favorite color all my life, so is being Fem-male