MichaelEmeryArt

-Cognitive dissonance and being a TransFeminine-(female roled male)


Even today I struggle with the shame imposed by society, even thought I tried my best not to be homosexual transgender type person or "HSTS"

I consider myself transsexual in the framework , that I very much wish to have my penis removed and replaced with a

female appearing " vulva ", and because psychosexually I am female like.

Mainly for myself , once I married 1982 til 1998 , cognitive-dissonance was a never ending issue, lot of depression, uncertainity, knowing in my heart I needed to be a Fem-male for straight men, thus once I started having sex with straight males in 1998, I clearly knew my proper role was to be Female roled male for Str8 men, and once the men started penetrating me anally,ejaculating in me,
it became very clear, this was the only sexual role I wanted, or could be in.

I do think if the vulvoplasty surgery was realistically attainable, by 2000, I seriously wanted the surgery to remove my penis,and have a female appearing vulva
I would say today I desire the surgery even more, as it is becoming more attainable, have had a lot of time to contemplate it etc.
Though I have been celibate last 13 years, doesn't mean if I met the right man, I would stay celibate, I would eagerly be a Fem-male 
 for him, and if at all possible get the vulvoplasty surgery. Thus for him mainly, showing I am 100% psychosexually female roled, and fully physically femininized for him, showing him I have dissolved as much of any male sexuality from myself as I can.
                                                 -Conveying to him, I wish to be as Female like as I possibly can for him-

Being able to clearly ,finally be able to say here is how I am →  "Androphilic male-to-female transsexual"

for example " In The Transsexual Phenomenon (1966), Harry Benjamin writes that "Other transsexuals find prostitution a useful profession for emotional as well as practical reasons..."[8]:50–51 Benjamin goes on to say "How much more can his femininity be reaffirmed than by again and again attracting normal, heterosexual, and unsuspecting men and even being paid for rendering sex service as a woman? (though my men knew how I was)

                                                                                           

I do know that until I completely accepted the Fact that I am a Female -roled- male transsexual person, then embrace it, did I have the ability to beat my " Life long Depression, then my Alcoholism ". Once I at least knew where my Cognitive Dissonance developed in my mind, then I knew the root of my problem.

Even though at age having sex with a Female for first time, sure it was pleasing / nice, yet some didn't seem right, yet society says this was the male role, so I tried to accept it for 18 years until I finally meet a man whom seen I was Feminine inside, and the sexually then began to treat me " lady-like ", and once I had his penis up inside me, I knew my role, knew it was 100% true, even he would say to me often " Michael, you very much should have been a Female "..which I loved hearing.

Yet learning to be a Transsexual in a World where it is not " Normal " , and having thus having no real guidance of what it is to be ;   " Normally Transsexual ", also created another dilemma.

                     I love this video above, as Like her, we are both struggling to be in our " Roles " be Feminine

                                                "Only thing she could of done to improve might be " Flower in her hair "

I made video above  in 2000, at this time I had taken the role of Fem-male completely, I was having sex with men as often as possible,daily ,with as many men available whom met my liking, I fully realized I had no desire to be in male role, 

comparing-why I do not like what is hanging between my legs-

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excerpts from above article ; "In other words, it’s not that transgendered individuals think they are a different gender than they actually are. It’s that they’ve had the profoundly crappy luck to be stuck with bodies that are a different gender from who they actually are"


Automatic categorization by gender is deeply ingrained. This was shown subtly in a study. In the first part of the study, subjects are shown a series of photos of guys in basketball jerseys, each paired with a sentence, such as “You were the ones that started the fight.” Half of the players are white and half are black; all are dressed the same. Afterward, subjects are asked to match the player with his particular remark. When subjects pick the wrong player, there’s a greater than 50 percent chance the misidentified player will be of the same race as the person who uttered the sentence. That tells us our minds make automatic categorizations by race. As subjects search to remember who made a particular remark, they’re not thinking, “Hmm, I’m not sure, it was definitely one of the guys with square shoulders, but which one?” They’re thinking, “Not sure, but it was definitely one of the [whichever race] guys.”


There are many advantages to thinking categorically. It’s easier to remember things that have been categorically labeled, and easier to manipulate, organize, and make executive decisions about information that is categorically digital rather than on an analog continuum. For a traditional hunter-gatherer, a beneficial automatic categorization would probably have been “animals that I do/don’t have to run away from ASAP.” An example from our Westernized lives is so ingrained it’s hard to appreciate: “Red means stop and green means go.” If we were in a foreign country whose red lights were a different shade than our own, that sure wouldn’t make us hesitate about stopping at a busy intersection."

                                                                                                                                                                      - .Robert Sapolsky

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                                          I thought the person in above video is honest / and helpful in many ways

For myself , I see my self 100% sexually female and psychologically, yet with no real desire to appear Female (only when nude), then with small breasts and not to have a penis,thus at least a vulvoplasty (a vagina )..but publicly I dont wish to appear / pass as Female.

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Ideally this is how I feel I should look for a partner , male or female

Because I feel sexually female, naturally I desire a Straight male and his penis, yet if I did meet a female ,we became very close, I could be with her in a non-male role ,in essense a Lesbian role , for example my psychology / beliefs no longer allows me to get erect in order for me to use my penis as a male. No matter who some is, I can not , will not use my penis for sex .Don't even want anyone to touch it in a sexual fashion, this would very much under-mine my identity as sexually female.

This would be more perfect,yet having a vagina is my real great desire

For example , I can still ejaculate,have a orgasm, yet if I met a man today, we decided to have sex, thus say he is boning me, which in the photo/gif above, I am imitating being boned, I would climax tiny and limp, even if I wish to masturbate, I ejaculate tiny and limp.


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I have for a long time wondered why there are not more Studies on Fantasy, as it is a huge part of everyday human life.

          If I could find right man, would love to start having real sex again

Comparing

I know I have become much more empathetic for transgender persons whom desire to " Pass " as female, the hardship of it, like myself knowing that most likely you'll never likely be able to fully be as you feel you should, and finding a self-image that hopefully will be satisfying at least. Where in my case I have never had a great desire to fully pass as Female, my desire mainly to appear publicly more Feminine, yet nude for myself and posing nude for artists I do desire to appear transsexual (Male to Female) and as well with a sexual partner.

                                            And of Coarse, I naturally desire to look as that on the right  

It would be great if in future a " Transfeminine " person like myself might be able to go out in public looking like myself in above video

I'd like to have necklace similar to these, to show my interest in black men
5/25/2019

Definition of Stigmatization
We will be considering the self-esteem of individuals who are members of a stigmatized or oppressed social category. By this, we mean social categories about which others hold negative attitudes, stereotypes, and beliefs, or which, on average, receive disproportionately poor interpersonal or economic outcomes relative to members of the society at large because of discrimination against members of the social category. Thus, our analysis applies to individuals who by virtue of their membership in a social category are vulnerable to being labeled as deviant, are targets of prejudice or victims of discrimination, or have negative economic or interpersonal outcomes. It is useful to distinguish between a stigmatized group and an outgroup. A stigmatized group is an outgroup relative to the dominant group in a culture or society, whereas an outgroup is defined by reference to any particular ingroup, regardless of which group holds the dominant position in the social hierarchy. Although some of the dynamics of interaction between stigmatized and nonstigmatized individuals are generally characteristic of ingroup-outgroup relations, stigmatized groups are devalued no t only by specific ingroups but by the broader society or culture.

A lot of good research papers on minority stress site above.

9/9/2019

                   " Think mainly , The great desire to be; Anatomically correct for my Female Role, is a fact of life that can't be corrected.

                                 Followed by societies unability to accept transsexual /third-gender people, and the problems this causes for;

                                                                         finding and having a long term relationship

friend boning me I think I liked this position,so men didn't have to see my penis
I wanted my men to see my tiny penis slap about,as I told them how lady-like they made me feel as they boned me

          "For me it was always very important , for me never to be erect when in presents of a man whom I was having sex with."

                                                         I spent a lot of time just getting quick lunch break "bonings"

     For me to be physically "emasculated" by having a vulva instead of a penis, would help with my own self image of being ,

     very psychologically female like, and also help take the homosexual stigma away, as I desire heterosexual males to mate with.

     And silly it may sound, my biggest desire it to be " impregnated " accept their semen up inside me.It was important that they be           able to not use a condom, and be able to fully ejaculate up in me. Even if they ejaculated in my mouth,it was important I swallow it       all so as to make them feel good, and a symbolic gesture of myself being fully femininized by their actions,as well as a thank you         for the Attention they just gave me. Once he and I established this routine, he knew he could have me as often as he wished, that       time allowed. Often he might introduce me to friend whom would have me for a "Fem-male " as well. My goal from 1998-2005,was     very much to have a cock in my mouth and/or bottom at least once a day, every day, the more the better.


             I do know with almost certainty, if the Role of Fem-male,ladyboy,berdache, were accepted in U.S. in 1975, when I first was having sex as a girly-boyfriend, 1, I likely would have never selected to have sex with a female. 2. I would of dressed a lot more like a girl. 3. Very much I would of kept having sex with males and Only in Female role, 4. Would of had the vulvoplasty surgery to remove my penis.


                                      All my Men , clearly knew I wanted to feel lady-like, as I'd clearly state to them; 

                                                      "Please make me feel like a Lady, please "impregnate" me "

                   Pederastic relationships

In Japan, pederastic relationships were known as wakashudo ("the way of the young"), or shudo. Such relationships often occurred in Buddhist monasteries and among the Samurai class.

In the monasteries, the nenja ("lover/admirer," Japanese equivalent to the Greek erastes) would be a monk, priest, or abbot. The younger male was known as the chigo, and was usually a student or acolyte. As in Greece, it was expected that both parties be fully committed to and serious about the pederastic relationship, and both parties were expected to be civil.

pederasty was also widespread:
"From religious circles, same-sex love spread to the warrior (samurai) class, where it was customary for a boy in the wakashū age category to undergo training in the martial arts by apprenticing to a more experienced adult man. The man was permitted, if the boy agreed, to take the boy as his lover until he came of age; this relationship, often formalized in a brotherhood contract', was expected to be exclusive, with both partners swearing to take no other (male) lovers. This practice, along with clerical pederasty, developed into the codified system of age-structured homosexuality known as shudō, abbreviated from wakashūdo, the 'way (do) of wakashū'. The older partner, in the role of nenja, would teach the wakashū martial skills, warrior etiquette, and the samurai code of honor, while his desire to be a good role model for his wakashū would lead him to behave more honorably himself; thus a shudō relationship was considered to have a "mutually ennobling effect". In addition, both parties were expected to be loyal unto death, and to assist the other both in feudal duties and in honor-driven obligations such as duels and vendettas. Although sex between the couple was expected to end when the boy came of age, the relationship would, ideally, develop into a lifelong bond of friendship. At the same time, sexual activity with women was not barred (for either party), and once the boy came of age, both were free to seek other wakashū lovers.

Like later Edo same-sex practices, samurai shudō was strictly role-defined; the
7/6/2014 A History of Pederasty | Think About It, Know About It.
http://www.thinkaboutit-knowaboutit.com/2013/03/an-objective-history-of-pederasty.html 6/11
nenja was seen as the active, desiring, penetrative partner, while the younger, sexually receptive wakashū was considered to submit to the nenja's attentions out of love, loyalty, and affection, rather than sexual desire. Among the samurai class, adult men were (by definition) not permitted to take the wakashū role; only preadult boys (or, later, lower-class men) were considered legitimate targets of homosexual desire. In some cases, shudō relationships arose between boys of similar ages, but the parties were still divided into nenja and wakashū roles."


"Like so many early civilizations, ancient China institutionalized pederasty of boys, child concubinage, the castration of small boys so they could be used sexually as eunuchs, the marriage of young brides with a number of brothers, widespread boy and girl prostitution and the regular sexual use of child servants and slaves. Under the popular ancient sim pua system of marriage, parents would adopt a girl during infancy, bring her up as a sister to their son and then force them into a marriage that must be considered as incestuous in every way except genetically. Alternatively, they could adopt a son to marry his sister. Sexual use of adopted girls was said to be common. Parents would send their boys to aristocratic households for sexual use – if volunteered as a eunuch, the parents would have their boys’ genitals cut off, which the parents carried with them in a jar. In some areas, male marriage to boys was so popular that there are records of sacrifices to patron deities of pederasty." -- Perversion in Ancient China: Pedophilia and Incest?
 

                                                                                            

                                                          "Breaking the Male Mindset"

                                           Even though I wanted so much to be fully emasculated into the " Female Role " sexually;

                                                        in a way I was like a " Wild horse " which needed to be " Broken "

                                                                                         1995 images of me

                                 It's so difficult to explain, as it was so difficult to realize how much I was enculturated into thinking ;

                                              " I was suppose to be in the Male role sexually !, yet that seemed so wrong "

                                                Yet when I stood back , then realized I never thought about wanting to;

                                      to dream to have sex with a female, it was simply what men do!, cause it felt physically good"

                                        " But I thought, had always thought about wanting a Man to treat me sexually like a lady"

                            " My whole life I wanted to be a Man's girly-boyfriend, dreaming all the time of having a man's penis up in me"


        " Well I want to be a Man's girly-boyfriend , not because it feels physically good, because it feels right in my heart and mind "

                                    Even after 1998, after I'd been in "Female role" with men, I battled being " Fully Emasculated "

                                        It took me awhile to realize, yes I was trying to attract men to me ,and treat me sexually

                                        like a female, I was also still projecting my " Male erection ", this " Had to Go! "

                       I had to surrender and accept reality or forever remain in a severe state of "Cognitive Dissonance"

                                                 I had to in Essense ; " Un-Learn " being or trying to be sexually like a Male

               I love this movie " Horse Whisperer ", as it is as Much about the psychology of Pilgrim(horse) as anything, and the ;

             Great " Cognitive Dissonance " Pilgrim holds in his mind, so much so, it has turned to inability to trust, and pure anger.

                                                  Pilgrim in a way must be hobbled, be shown " trust " Grace again.

                                                                  (must see whole movie to fully understand)

But hobbling isn’t only helpful for keeping your horse close when you’re out of places to tie him up. It teaches him countless other things. It teaches him how to yield to pressure, and might save his legs if he were to get caught in a fence.  It teaches them patience.  It teaches them to think things through. It makes a big change in your horse if done right.

                   It was for me like a Huge Process of Deprogramming

Deprogrammer Carol Giambalvo writes in the 1998 text "Deprogramming to Thought Reform Consultation":

It was believed that the hold of the brainwashing over the cognitive processes of a cult member needed to be broken – or "snapped" as some termed it .


Submitting to a Man in the Female role

      For myself , like a bucking bronco, I needed alot of Men to " Mount me " ejaculate in me, break me into a totally " Female role "


                                                    Which I very Much needed to be!, and Wanted to be, " Fully Female roled "

              Sure, Now I know I am, 100% fully emasculated psychologically "female" sexually, yet it was a battle to break myself of ;

                                                            " I should be a male sexually , because I look like a male "

                                                              Yet I very much did not wish to be Male, at least sexually