-Cognitive dissonance and being a TransFeminine-(female roled male)

I do know that until I completely accepted the Fact that I am a Female -roled- male transsexual person, then embrace it, did I have the ability to beat my " Life long Depression, then my Alcoholism ". Once I at least knew where my Cognitive Dissonance developed in my mind, then I knew the root of my problem.

Even though at age having sex with a Female for first time, sure it was pleasing / nice, yet some didn't seem right, yet society says this was the male role, so I tried to accept it for 18 years until I finally meet a man whom seen I was Feminine inside, and the sexually then began to treat me " lady-like ", and once I had his penis up inside me, I knew my role, knew it was 100% true, even he would say to me often " Michael, you very much should have been a Female "..which I loved hearing.

Yet learning to be a Transsexual in a World where it is not " Normal " , and having thus having no real guidance of what it is to be ;      " Normally Transsexual ", also created another dilemma.

                     I love this video above, as Like her, we are both struggling to be in our " Roles " be Feminine

                                                "Only thing she could of done to improve might be " Flower in her hair "

I made video above  in 2000, at this time I had taken the role of Fem-male completely, I was having sex with men as often as possible,daily ,with as many men available whom met my liking, I fully realized I had no desire to be in male role, 

comparing-why I do not like what is hanging between my legs-


excerpts from above article ; "In other words, it’s not that transgendered individuals think they are a different gender than they actually are. It’s that they’ve had the profoundly crappy luck to be stuck with bodies that are a different gender from who they actually are"

Automatic categorization by gender is deeply ingrained. This was shown subtly in a study. In the first part of the study, subjects are shown a series of photos of guys in basketball jerseys, each paired with a sentence, such as “You were the ones that started the fight.” Half of the players are white and half are black; all are dressed the same. Afterward, subjects are asked to match the player with his particular remark. When subjects pick the wrong player, there’s a greater than 50 percent chance the misidentified player will be of the same race as the person who uttered the sentence. That tells us our minds make automatic categorizations by race. As subjects search to remember who made a particular remark, they’re not thinking, “Hmm, I’m not sure, it was definitely one of the guys with square shoulders, but which one?” They’re thinking, “Not sure, but it was definitely one of the [whichever race] guys.”

There are many advantages to thinking categorically. It’s easier to remember things that have been categorically labeled, and easier to manipulate, organize, and make executive decisions about information that is categorically digital rather than on an analog continuum. For a traditional hunter-gatherer, a beneficial automatic categorization would probably have been “animals that I do/don’t have to run away from ASAP.” An example from our Westernized lives is so ingrained it’s hard to appreciate: “Red means stop and green means go.” If we were in a foreign country whose red lights were a different shade than our own, that sure wouldn’t make us hesitate about stopping at a busy intersection."

                                                                                                                                                                      - .Robert Sapolsky


                                          I thought the person in above video is honest / and helpful in many ways

For myself , I see my self 100% sexually female and psychologically, yet with no real desire to appear Female (only when nude), then with small breasts and not to have a penis,thus at least a vulvoplasty (a vagina )..but publicly I dont wish to appear / pass as Female.


Ideally this is how I feel I should look for a partner , male or female

Because I feel sexually female, naturally I desire a Straight male and his penis, yet if I did meet a female ,we became very close, I could be with her in a non-male role ,in essense a Lesbian role , for example my psychology / beliefs no longer allows me to get erect in order for me to use my penis as a male. No matter who some is, I can not , will not use my penis for sex .Don't even want anyone to touch it in a sexual fashion, this would very much under-mine my identity as sexually female.

This would be more perfect,yet having a vagina is my real great desire

For example , I can still ejaculate,have a orgasm, yet if I met a man today, we decided to have sex, thus say he is boning me, which in the photo/gif above, I am imitating being boned, I would climax tiny and limp, even if I wish to masturbate, I ejaculate tiny and limp.


I have for a long time wondered why there are not more Studies on Fantasy, as it is a huge part of everyday human life.

          If I could find right man, would love to start having real sex again


I know I have become much more empathetic for transgender persons whom desire to " Pass " as female, the hardship of it, like myself knowing that most likely you'll never likely be able to fully be as you feel you should, and finding a self-image that hopefully will be satisfying at least. Where in my case I have never had a great desire to fully pass as Female, my desire mainly to appear publicly more Feminine, yet nude for myself and posing nude for artists I do desire to appear transsexual (Male to Female) and as well with a sexual partner.

                                            And of Coarse, I naturally desire to look as that on the right  

It would be great if in future a " Transfeminine " person like myself might be able to go out in public looking like myself in above video

I'd like to have necklace similar to these, to show my interest in black men

Definition of Stigmatization
We will be considering the self-esteem of individuals who are members of a stigmatized or oppressed social category. By this, we mean social categories about which others hold negative attitudes, stereotypes, and beliefs, or which, on average, receive disproportionately poor interpersonal or economic outcomes relative to members of the society at large because of discrimination against members of the social category. Thus, our analysis applies to individuals who by virtue of their membership in a social category are vulnerable to being labeled as deviant, are targets of prejudice or victims of discrimination, or have negative economic or interpersonal outcomes. It is useful to distinguish between a stigmatized group and an outgroup. A stigmatized group is an outgroup relative to the dominant group in a culture or society, whereas an outgroup is defined by reference to any particular ingroup, regardless of which group holds the dominant position in the social hierarchy. Although some of the dynamics of interaction between stigmatized and nonstigmatized individuals are generally characteristic of ingroup-outgroup relations, stigmatized groups are devalued no t only by specific ingroups but by the broader society or culture.

A lot of good research papers on minority stress site above.


                   " Think mainly , The great desire to be; Anatomically correct for my Female Role, is a fact of life that can't be corrected.

                                 Followed by societies unability to accept transsexual /third-gender people, and the problems this causes for;

                                                                         finding and having a long term relationship