-Cognitive dissonance and being a Sexual Invert-(female roled male)

Even today I struggle with the shame imposed by society, even thought I tried my best not to be homosexual transgender type person or "HSTS"

I consider myself transsexual in the framework , that I very much wish to have my penis removed and replaced with a

female appearing " vulva ", and because psychosexually I am female like.

Mainly for myself , once I married 1982 til 1998 , cognitive-dissonance was a never ending issue, lot of depression, uncertainity, knowing in my heart I needed to be a Fem-male for straight men, thus once I started having sex with straight males in 1998, I clearly knew my proper role was to be Female roled male for Str8 men, and once the men started penetrating me anally,ejaculating in me,
it became very clear, this was the only sexual role I wanted, or could be in.

I do think if the vulvoplasty surgery was realistically attainable, by 2000, I seriously wanted the surgery to remove my penis,and have a female appearing vulva
I would say today I desire the surgery even more, as it is becoming more attainable, have had a lot of time to contemplate it etc.
Though I have been celibate last 13 years, doesn't mean if I met the right man, I would stay celibate, I would eagerly be a Fem-male
for him, and if at all possible get the vulvoplasty surgery. Thus for him mainly, showing I am 100% psychosexually female roled, and fully physically femininized for him, showing him I have dissolved as much of any male sexuality from myself as I can.
                                       -Conveying to him, I wish to be as Female like as I possibly can for him-

Being able to clearly ,finally be able to say here is how I am →  "Androphilic male-to-female transsexual"

for example " In The Transsexual Phenomenon (1966), Harry Benjamin writes that "Other transsexuals find prostitution a useful profession for emotional as well as practical reasons..."[8]:50–51 Benjamin goes on to say "How much more can his femininity be reaffirmed than by again and again attracting normal, heterosexual, and unsuspecting men and even being paid for rendering sex service as a woman
                                                                                             (though my men knew how I was-me)


I do know that until I completely accepted the Fact that I am a Female -roled- male transsexual person, then embrace it, did I have the ability to beat my " Life long Depression, then my Alcoholism ". Once I at least knew where my Cognitive Dissonance developed in my mind, then I knew the root of my problem.

Even though at age having sex with a Female for first time, sure it was pleasing / nice, yet some didn't seem right, yet society says this was the male role, so I tried to accept it for 18 years until I finally meet a man whom seen I was Feminine inside, and the sexually then began to treat me " lady-like ", and once I had his penis up inside me, I knew my role, knew it was 100% true, even he would say to me often " Michael, you very much should have been a Female "..which I loved hearing.

Yet learning to be a Transsexual in a World where it is not " Normal " , and having thus having no real guidance of what it is to be ;   " Normally Transsexual ", also created another dilemma.

                     I love this video above, as Like her, we are both struggling to be in our " Roles " be Feminine

                                                "Only thing she could of done to improve might be " Flower in her hair "

I made video above  in 2000, at this time I had taken the role of Fem-male completely, I was having sex with men as often as possible,daily ,with as many men available whom met my liking, I fully realized I had no desire to be in male role, 

comparing-why I do not like what is hanging between my legs-


excerpts from above article ; "In other words, it’s not that transgendered individuals think they are a different gender than they actually are. It’s that they’ve had the profoundly crappy luck to be stuck with bodies that are a different gender from who they actually are"

Automatic categorization by gender is deeply ingrained. This was shown subtly in a study. In the first part of the study, subjects are shown a series of photos of guys in basketball jerseys, each paired with a sentence, such as “You were the ones that started the fight.” Half of the players are white and half are black; all are dressed the same. Afterward, subjects are asked to match the player with his particular remark. When subjects pick the wrong player, there’s a greater than 50 percent chance the misidentified player will be of the same race as the person who uttered the sentence. That tells us our minds make automatic categorizations by race. As subjects search to remember who made a particular remark, they’re not thinking, “Hmm, I’m not sure, it was definitely one of the guys with square shoulders, but which one?” They’re thinking, “Not sure, but it was definitely one of the [whichever race] guys.”

There are many advantages to thinking categorically. It’s easier to remember things that have been categorically labeled, and easier to manipulate, organize, and make executive decisions about information that is categorically digital rather than on an analog continuum. For a traditional hunter-gatherer, a beneficial automatic categorization would probably have been “animals that I do/don’t have to run away from ASAP.” An example from our Westernized lives is so ingrained it’s hard to appreciate: “Red means stop and green means go.” If we were in a foreign country whose red lights were a different shade than our own, that sure wouldn’t make us hesitate about stopping at a busy intersection."

                                                                                                                                                                      - .Robert Sapolsky


                                          I thought the person in above video is honest / and helpful in many ways

For myself , I see my self 100% sexually female and psychologically, yet with no real desire to appear Female (only when nude), then with small breasts and not to have a penis,thus at least a vulvoplasty (a vagina )..but publicly I dont wish to appear / pass as Female.


Ideally this is how I feel I should look for a partner , male or female

Because I feel sexually female, naturally I desire a Straight male and his penis, yet if I did meet a female ,we became very close, I could be with her in a non-male role ,in essense a Lesbian role , for example my psychology / beliefs no longer allows me to get erect in order for me to use my penis as a male. No matter who some is, I can not , will not use my penis for sex .Don't even want anyone to touch it in a sexual fashion, this would very much under-mine my identity as sexually female.

This would be more perfect,yet having a vagina is my real great desire

For example , I can still ejaculate,have a orgasm, yet if I met a man today, we decided to have sex, thus say he is boning me, which in the photo/gif above, I am imitating being boned, I would climax tiny and limp, even if I wish to masturbate, I ejaculate tiny and limp.


I have for a long time wondered why there are not more Studies on Fantasy, as it is a huge part of everyday human life.

          If I could find right man, would love to start having real sex again


I know I have become much more empathetic for transgender persons whom desire to " Pass " as female, the hardship of it, like myself knowing that most likely you'll never likely be able to fully be as you feel you should, and finding a self-image that hopefully will be satisfying at least. Where in my case I have never had a great desire to fully pass as Female, my desire mainly to appear publicly more Feminine, yet nude for myself and posing nude for artists I do desire to appear transsexual (Male to Female) and as well with a sexual partner.

                                            And of Coarse, I naturally desire to look as that on the right  

It would be great if in future a " Transfeminine " person like myself might be able to go out in public looking like myself in above video

I'd like to have necklace similar to these, to show my interest in black men

Definition of Stigmatization
We will be considering the self-esteem of individuals who are members of a stigmatized or oppressed social category. By this, we mean social categories about which others hold negative attitudes, stereotypes, and beliefs, or which, on average, receive disproportionately poor interpersonal or economic outcomes relative to members of the society at large because of discrimination against members of the social category. Thus, our analysis applies to individuals who by virtue of their membership in a social category are vulnerable to being labeled as deviant, are targets of prejudice or victims of discrimination, or have negative economic or interpersonal outcomes. It is useful to distinguish between a stigmatized group and an outgroup. A stigmatized group is an outgroup relative to the dominant group in a culture or society, whereas an outgroup is defined by reference to any particular ingroup, regardless of which group holds the dominant position in the social hierarchy. Although some of the dynamics of interaction between stigmatized and nonstigmatized individuals are generally characteristic of ingroup-outgroup relations, stigmatized groups are devalued no t only by specific ingroups but by the broader society or culture.

A lot of good research papers on minority stress site above.


                   " Think mainly , The great desire to be; Anatomically correct for my Female Role, is a fact of life that can't be corrected.

                                 Followed by societies unability to accept transsexual /third-gender people, and the problems this causes for;

                                                                         finding and having a long term relationship

friend boning me I think I liked this position,so men didn't have to see my penis
I wanted my men to see my tiny penis slap about,as I told them how lady-like they made me feel as they boned me

          "For me it was always very important , for me never to be erect when in presents of a man whom I was having sex with."

                                                         I spent a lot of time just getting quick lunch break "bonings"

     For me to be physically "emasculated" by having a vulva instead of a penis, would help with my own self image of being ,

     very psychologically female like, and also help take the homosexual stigma away, as I desire heterosexual males to mate with.

     And silly it may sound, my biggest desire it to be " impregnated " accept their semen up inside me.It was important that they be           able to not use a condom, and be able to fully ejaculate up in me. Even if they ejaculated in my mouth,it was important I swallow it       all so as to make them feel good, and a symbolic gesture of myself being fully femininized by their actions,as well as a thank you         for the Attention they just gave me. Once he and I established this routine, he knew he could have me as often as he wished, that       time allowed. Often he might introduce me to friend whom would have me for a "Fem-male " as well. My goal from 1998-2005,was     very much to have a cock in my mouth and/or bottom at least once a day, every day, the more the better.

             I do know with almost certainty, if the Role of Fem-male,ladyboy,berdache, were accepted in U.S. in 1975, when I first was having sex as a girly-boyfriend, 1, I likely would have never selected to have sex with a female. 2. I would of dressed a lot more like a girl. 3. Very much I would of kept having sex with males and Only in Female role, 4. Would of had the vulvoplasty surgery to remove my penis.

                                      All my Men , clearly knew I wanted to feel lady-like, as I'd clearly state to them; 

                                                      "Please make me feel like a Lady, please "impregnate" me "

                   Pederastic relationships

In Japan, pederastic relationships were known as wakashudo ("the way of the young"), or shudo. Such relationships often occurred in Buddhist monasteries and among the Samurai class.

In the monasteries, the nenja ("lover/admirer," Japanese equivalent to the Greek erastes) would be a monk, priest, or abbot. The younger male was known as the chigo, and was usually a student or acolyte. As in Greece, it was expected that both parties be fully committed to and serious about the pederastic relationship, and both parties were expected to be civil.

pederasty was also widespread:
"From religious circles, same-sex love spread to the warrior (samurai) class, where it was customary for a boy in the wakashū age category to undergo training in the martial arts by apprenticing to a more experienced adult man. The man was permitted, if the boy agreed, to take the boy as his lover until he came of age; this relationship, often formalized in a brotherhood contract', was expected to be exclusive, with both partners swearing to take no other (male) lovers. This practice, along with clerical pederasty, developed into the codified system of age-structured homosexuality known as shudō, abbreviated from wakashūdo, the 'way (do) of wakashū'. The older partner, in the role of nenja, would teach the wakashū martial skills, warrior etiquette, and the samurai code of honor, while his desire to be a good role model for his wakashū would lead him to behave more honorably himself; thus a shudō relationship was considered to have a "mutually ennobling effect". In addition, both parties were expected to be loyal unto death, and to assist the other both in feudal duties and in honor-driven obligations such as duels and vendettas. Although sex between the couple was expected to end when the boy came of age, the relationship would, ideally, develop into a lifelong bond of friendship. At the same time, sexual activity with women was not barred (for either party), and once the boy came of age, both were free to seek other wakashū lovers.

Like later Edo same-sex practices, samurai shudō was strictly role-defined; the
7/6/2014 A History of Pederasty | Think About It, Know About It.
http://www.thinkaboutit-knowaboutit.com/2013/03/an-objective-history-of-pederasty.html 6/11
nenja was seen as the active, desiring, penetrative partner, while the younger, sexually receptive wakashū was considered to submit to the nenja's attentions out of love, loyalty, and affection, rather than sexual desire. Among the samurai class, adult men were (by definition) not permitted to take the wakashū role; only preadult boys (or, later, lower-class men) were considered legitimate targets of homosexual desire. In some cases, shudō relationships arose between boys of similar ages, but the parties were still divided into nenja and wakashū roles."

"Like so many early civilizations, ancient China institutionalized pederasty of boys, child concubinage, the castration of small boys so they could be used sexually as eunuchs, the marriage of young brides with a number of brothers, widespread boy and girl prostitution and the regular sexual use of child servants and slaves. Under the popular ancient sim pua system of marriage, parents would adopt a girl during infancy, bring her up as a sister to their son and then force them into a marriage that must be considered as incestuous in every way except genetically. Alternatively, they could adopt a son to marry his sister. Sexual use of adopted girls was said to be common. Parents would send their boys to aristocratic households for sexual use – if volunteered as a eunuch, the parents would have their boys’ genitals cut off, which the parents carried with them in a jar. In some areas, male marriage to boys was so popular that there are records of sacrifices to patron deities of pederasty." -- Perversion in Ancient China: Pedophilia and Incest?


                                                          "Breaking the Male Mindset"

                                           Even though I wanted so much to be fully emasculated into the " Female Role " sexually;

                                                        in a way I was like a " Wild horse " which needed to be " Broken "

                                                                                         1995 images of me

                                 It's so difficult to explain, as it was so difficult to realize how much I was enculturated into thinking ;

                                              " I was suppose to be in the Male role sexually !, yet that seemed so wrong "

                                                Yet when I stood back , then realized I never thought about wanting to;

                                      to dream to have sex with a female, it was simply what men do!, cause it felt physically good"

                                        " But I thought, had always thought about wanting a Man to treat me sexually like a lady"

                            " My whole life I wanted to be a Man's girly-boyfriend, dreaming all the time of having a man's penis up in me"

        " Well I want to be a Man's girly-boyfriend , not because it feels physically good, because it feels right in my heart and mind "

                                    Even after 1998, after I'd been in "Female role" with men, I battled being " Fully Emasculated "

                                        It took me awhile to realize, yes I was trying to attract men to me ,and treat me sexually

                                        like a female, I was also still projecting my " Male erection ", this " Had to Go! "

                       I had to surrender and accept reality or forever remain in a severe state of "Cognitive Dissonance"

                                                 I had to in Essense ; " Un-Learn " being or trying to be sexually like a Male

               I love this movie " Horse Whisperer ", as it is as Much about the psychology of Pilgrim(horse) as anything, and the ;

             Great " Cognitive Dissonance " Pilgrim holds in his mind, so much so, it has turned to inability to trust, and pure anger.

                                                  Pilgrim in a way must be hobbled, be shown " trust " Grace again.

                                                                  (must see whole movie to fully understand)

But hobbling isn’t only helpful for keeping your horse close when you’re out of places to tie him up. It teaches him countless other things. It teaches him how to yield to pressure, and might save his legs if he were to get caught in a fence.  It teaches them patience.  It teaches them to think things through. It makes a big change in your horse if done right.

                   It was for me like a Huge Process of Deprogramming

Deprogrammer Carol Giambalvo writes in the 1998 text "Deprogramming to Thought Reform Consultation":

It was believed that the hold of the brainwashing over the cognitive processes of a cult member needed to be broken – or "snapped" as some termed it .

Submitting to a Man in the Female role

      For myself , like a bucking bronco, I needed alot of Men to " Mount me " ejaculate in me, break me into a totally " Female role "

                                                    Which I very Much needed to be!, and Wanted to be, " Fully Female roled "

              Sure, Now I know I am, 100% fully emasculated psychologically "female" sexually, yet it was a battle to break myself of ;

                                                            " I should be a male sexually , because I look like a male "

                                                              Yet I very much did not wish to be Male, at least sexually



  I personally believe the Male post-orgasm Refractory emotions ;

                                                                                can be seen as a type of Cognitive-Dissonance

Under ideal circumstances, the chemical releases follow a predictable and pleasant cycle from arousal to climax to afterglow.  Ideally, you get a shot of pair bonding chemicals after sex that keeps you interested in your partner.  If you get that shot of chemicals and you don't actually like your partner, the cognitive dissonance between intimacy and mistrust can cause guilt, shame and depression to overwhelm those happy chemicals.

 Testosterone, nitrous oxide, serotonin, adrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin and all kinds of  other chemicals and stimuli work together to provide desire, trust and comfort.  If any of them is consistently missing, you may have something interfering with the normal operation of your brain.  Or maybe you are in the wrong relationship.

In my refractory period / post orgasm

For myself , I quickly felt the contrast of having sex with females verse having sex with men in my   " female role " , with females there was always the shame / just not well being feeling, verse with men, all was great, I felt that the role I had played was exactly right for me, with no doubt, I very much want to do this again, no real loss of interest, other then a mild decrease in intensity, yet compared to being in male role, I had no need to be concerned about getting a erection. The little bit of time , after a man had made me climax while boning me, that it took to just relax a few minutes, get a wash cloth,clean us both up, I was ready to get boned again, and start sucking. So in Essence , the Refractory period with women was always unpleasant for me, verse with men, there is simply a short time were sex drive is reduced, yet emotional I feel very good. Thus being "female roled " is right for my emotional well being - me

excerpt from  ;    Post-orgasmic states are often dismissed as a haze of pleasure, desire, and gender-distinct post-sex experience (men sleep, women talk), but they're actually significantly more complicated, especially considering many orgasms don't involve penis-in-vagina sex. An orgasm is a major event for the body no matter its sex, involving huge coordination between the genitals, the organs, the hormones, and the brain; it stands to reason that the come-down, as it were, is also a very complex process. It may not be pretty — imagine the clean-up after a massive music festival — but it's crucial for understanding why, post-O, people may sometimes feel needy, angry, sullen, or even disoriented.

A study published in 2011 showed that male- and female-bodied people manifest this happiness in different ways. (It's important to note that not everyone with a penis identifies as a man, and not everyone with a vagina identifies as a woman, and the system of hormones that governs these reactions isn't dependent on someone's gender expression.) Male-bodied people, it turns out, do not just roll over and go to sleep, as 1950s cartoons would have it; they eat, smoke, ask for favors, or drink — in other words, they keep looking for another source of pleasure after the orgasm has ended. Their dopamine hit is over, but they want to recreate it in some other way. Female-bodied people, meanwhile, like to communicate, touch bodies, and experience bonding with their intimate partner by staying in the same room. They're busy enjoying the after-fuzzies, not looking for another high." - bustle.com

Dr. Emily Nagoski talks about the dual control model and how sex works in the brain, how attachment with our partners affects our sex life and the societal factors that affect women’s sexuality.

I like where she talks of  " Attachment behavior "


Sexual Paradox is a research site, which is continuously updated as new research and news articles come in. It was originally written as a book, so is organized into chapters, so it can be read in sequence as a book or a single chapter can be used for research. Each chapter has a list of research updates at the end of the web page.

 excerpt from  

Is it  possible to be an“anatomical”male and have a female gender identity or vice versa, as is the case for transsexuals. One’s “gender role” is determined by the complex interaction between one’s sex and the culture’s determination of what is expected of or appropriate for women or men to be and do. On this basis men and women are said to be masculine or feminine. For example, it is acceptable for an anatomical female who understands herself to be a woman to wear traditional men’s clothes, i.e., trousers. In the United States such is regularly the case. It is not usually acceptable for an anatomical male who understands himself to be a man to wear traditional women’s clothes, i.e., skirts. In the United States such a person is a cross-dresser; in Scotland he may be in traditional garb—a kilt.



         Kinsey's sexual orientation scale

  • 0 Exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual experience
  • 1 Predominantly heterosexual, only incidently homosexual
  • 2 Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
  • 3 Equally heterosexual and homosexual
  • 4 Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
  • 5 Predominantly homosexual, but incidentally heterosexual
  • 6 Exclusively homosexual, with no heterosexual experience

Type Five: True Transsexual (moderate intensity)

Gender Feeling: Feminine (trapped in male body)
Dressing Habits and Social Life: Lives and works as woman if possible. Insufficient relief from dressing.
Sex Object Choice and Sex Life: Libido low. Asexual auto-erotic, or passive homosexual activity. May have been married and have children.
Kinsey Scale: 4-6
Conversion Operation: Requested and usually indicated.
Estrogen Medication: Needed as substitute for or preliminary to operation.
Psychotherapy: Rejected. Useless as to cure. Permissive psychological guidance.
Remarks: Operation hoped for and worked for. Often attained.

Type Six: True Transsexual (high intensity)

Gender Feeling: Feminine. Total psycho-sexual inversion.
Dressing Habits and Social Life: May live and work as a woman. Dressing gives insufficient relief. Gender discomfort intense.
Sex Object Choice and Sex Life: Intensely desires relations with normal male as female if young. May have been married and have children, by using fantasies in intercourse.
Kinsey Scale: 6
Conversion Operation: Urgently requested and usually attained. Indicated.
Estrogen Medication: Required for partial relief.
Psychotherapy: Psychological guidance or psychotherapy for symptomatic relief only.
Remarks: Despises his male sex organs. Danger of suicide or self-mutilation, if too long frustrated. ( for myself not having a penis has always been a wish / dream, yet able to deal with it, and if the surgery was more realistic / feasible I would have it done )

Myself , I relate to type 6 above,especially " Feminine. Total psycho-sexual inversion ", need to feel female like sexually. Desire to be in Female sexual role for a Man only.

Simply having the desire to only be in the female receptive role, thus to feel psychologically as feminine as possible. At least for myself ,the most feminizing / emasculating thing in the world, is having a man's penis up inside me, thus for me, the only surgery I have ever really desired is penis changed to female like vulva.

          " In a way, it could be said it is like a battle to be Feminine, always wanting to be female like, yet got born male like ! "