A misconception I believe the public holds about people like myself is that we are "traditionally homosexual", yet for example I don't want a boyfriend whom is bi-sexual,homosexual, I don't want a boyfriend whom has any interest in my penis, I don't want a boyfriend whom is feminine like myself, female roled sexually like myself.
" I don't wish to say I am female, yet I think I understand why so many transgender people do, it took me a long time to find a description of myself that fits me, and I think ; "Transfeminine/female-roled male third-gender" fits me best, and I think " seeing myself as a person with a male body, yet having a highly feminine psyche / high desire to be in female role sexually.
I can't help I have a male body of course, yet I love to wear dresses, skirts, thigh-highs with garters, like I sure many females do, I desire to feel sexy for a male partner,, perform well sexually for a male partner in as feminine a way possible.
I do have some what control over how I act !, at least do my best to be in control
I do know , I never felt better in my own Skin, you might say, as I do now, finding a identity that Fits me, now embracing , loving my feminine self, knowing wanting to be as Feminine as I can be to myself, and with a partner if where to meet such a person.
I do know after all my Research, which has been vast, show throughout human history,in every culture,as far back in time of all records,there has always been a "Third gender variety" of peoples.
♣ Though not a high percent,in any culture,nearly always seemly common in the "Percent" 1 in 200 or half of 1 percent.What I have read about the cultures,those that embraced,accepted the "Third-gender types", they where regarded as having a better understanding of the "Big Picture view of Nature",highly empathtic,spiritual beings.-looking out for the "Tribe's best interest"
♣ So it isn't being "Normal" that's for Sure, yet most Creators,most great Artist's,most people that thought of anything "New",where not thinking " What's Normal !".
♣ Normal,what really is that word→ I personally can only look out into Nature at this time to know, cause Humanity has constructed so many Ideas of "Normal", I get confused.
“What we call normal in psychology is really a psychopathology of the average.” ~ Abraham Maslow
I know " I'm not Normal ", yet not harmful to Society either or mental ill, as for so long, so many have wanted to believe.
Yet I know or experience - Minority stress, which Society imposes
Minority stress describes chronically high levels of stress faced by members of stigmatized minority groups. It may be caused by a number of factors, including poor social support and low socioeconomic status, but the most well understood causes of minority stress are interpersonal prejudice and discrimination. Indeed, numerous scientific studies have shown that minority individuals experience a high degree of prejudice, which causes stress responses (e.g., high blood pressure, anxiety) that accrue over time, eventually leading to poor mental and physical health. Minority stress theory summarizes these scientific studies to explain how difficult social situations lead to chronic stress and poor health among minority individuals. It is an important concept for psychologists and public health officials who seek to understand and reduce minority health disparities- wikipedia
I would say if I was younger,secure in say a Self-employment type job,lived some where that being a "Androgynous/Fem-male",I could transition by means of-Vaginoplasty and breast augmentation,where dresses in public,have a feminine hair style-8/11/2018
I think Schopenhauer said it best: “A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants.”, I like to change what he said though a bit, more like this " A person may be able to do as they want, yet can't choose what they want ". I also know,we can't always have what we want !
I in mind I see myself as a " Transsexual " variety, yet have never had the desire to " pass as a Lady ", or to dress up as aLady and be in public. Say for example as the individual below ↓ , I think this person is very attractive, and I might date them, I don't desire to define myself to the degree or way they have selected to appear Feminine. Yet I would love to get " boned " by this person.
For myself ,if I where to date again ,seek a black straight male, I only wish to if I can actually have had my penis removed, thus have the Vulvoplasty surgery. Thus a paradox, in that ;
I wish to stay Celibate unless I can present myself as a transitioned Fem-male without a penis .So I can appear as I do above for them. I have always referred to my "bottom" as my female alternative "vagina", and I am so accustomed to having men penetrate me in my "bottom", I'd be content with the Vulvoplasty type surgery.
However that isn't the reason for desiring the Vulvoplasty surgery, as if I did have the surgery done, I very much may remain celibate, as my desire for actual sex isn't that great, yet the desire to appear without a penis, for my own self image is very great.As well as my sexually orientation is 100% ,that of a bi-sexual female. I have no masculine/male desire, no desire to ever be in male role sexually...…..Though it would be nice, or is very appealing to have a functioning vagina, instead on having the need for being penetrated anally. (needed to take time for getting clean in order to take a penis in my "Bottom" )
I recorded the above video in 1998, at this time I had transitioned into my " Fem-male role ", I was routinely asking men to treat me sexually as a female.I was getting "boned " a lot by this time, Though I desired a "Vulvoplasty" , wasn't 100% sure. I at times regret not having the surgery then , yet that the way life goes, I simply wasn't so sure then as I am now.
Then when making this video, I made myself erect, and realized I was turned - off by seeing myself in that way of " Male-ness "
A high degree of confusion set in, as far as my identity, did I wish to be Feminine completely or male, or what? In away it forced me to realize, I wanted so much to be Feminine, that I had to come to terms with a life long (childhood/as well as for ever fear) that I was a transsexual type person.I remembered for example when James Bond film For Your Eyes Only had Caroline Cossey a transgender woman, came out in 1981, I very much identified with being similar to the way she was/is.
Now I do know, I am very much like Caroline Cossey, yet not to the degree of passing as Female.
In 2012 I made this video, I had been celibate quite a few years already, when I realized I very much realized I was very much psychologically, much more Feminine then male, and realized I should of gotten the "Vulvoplasty" surgery, I think one of the men I was having sex with, as well might of taken me as a partner, in a Fem-male role if I would of had the "Vulvoplasty", say by 2003. Who knows?, plus I still not sure these surgeons are well versed in the surgery.
Until I really started looking at myself without a penis (via paint-shop altering ) did I realize how much better I felt or how much better it fit my identity, not seeing a penis, yet seeing myself, female like via → " with a vagina "
My goal at this time in life is to hopefully get the "Vulvoplasty" surgery done in next few years.
I do knowing I having spent a life time trying to figure out my identity, asking myself why I feel a need to look, feel so much more female like, and not wanting to be male like, then why?. Well I am tired of asking why, being a carpenter, if I am told to " Clench Nail " some thing together, I know how, why, the effects, and my identity is well "Clenched " as being much more Female like,then male like.
Like a Female , I don't want to look in the mirror and see a penis, or when with a boyfriend sexually project " maleness "
Why is this " Needing to have to convince others to Repect ?"