MichaelEmeryArt

10/19/2019

psychosexual development of a " Female roled male "

“man is very imitative and obtains his first knowledge by imitation, and then everybody takes pleasure in imitation”- Aristotle

         Dissolving my masculine ego, liberation from self, and over-coming Pre-concieved notions of psychosexual identity 
                  
                                                            Seemed to be always things I been confronted with

           "gender is a function of sexuality and, while that does crystallise over childhood, very soon after puberty, it is fixed. Gender is not a construct; it is the primary interface that humans use to relate to other humans. It cannot be dispensed with or changed."
                                                                                                                                                                   -   Rod Fleming  

                                            "And mine , I feel, got fixed some how in a very feminine way"

                                                                                                                                  - me


    " Even though when seeing myself, sure I seem to have a male body, yet inside is a very Feminine being, and that
      very, very much needs to be like a Lady for a  Str8  Men, or I have " Female Spirit " in me "

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              My 10 stages to coming to fully be a Female-Roled-male /  psychosexually female  


                         1.Yet it begins with how I was so traumatized by events of divorce of my mother and father at age 6.

                         2. The trauma of witnessing my mother and new step father having sex, completely not understanding what was                                      going on, and hating this man, thus "Identifying" with my mother completely, as though a ;

                             "forced total empathy in a certain way", " I had to Identify,completely with her, there was no choice", she became;

                              100% my role model.


                                         “man is very imitative and obtains his first knowledge by imitation, - Aristotle

 

                          3. I was soon sneaking her panty hose or thigh highs, wearing them as often as possible, wondering what it would be                               like to have a penis in my mouth and bottom , thus the event of witnessing the actual sex my mother was involved                               in made me wish to experience it as well, thus a same age 6 year old male friend let me suck his penis, and I liked                             it, thus became common for him to let me do that. ( imitative of seeing my mother performing fellatio/getting boned)

                               and soon I was asking him to try sliding his penis up in my bottom, which he'd do on occasion.

                               Thus by 13, I was comfortable sucking another boys penis and liked to. 

                          4. At age 13, puberty I started having orgasms and ejaculating, found I could autofellate, thus started sucking my own                               penis, ejaculating in my mouth then swallowing my semen.

                          5. Now I was in 7th grade ,new school, open showers in gym class, now I was exposed to seeing other males nude,

                             and found myself "lusting", and wanting to suck many of the classmate's and one of the gym teacher's cocks.

                          6. Soon as by fate, (7th gade)I was approached by a sexy black male my age, whom wanted me to suck his cock,                                    though I fought the urge,desire, soon I was routinely sucking his cock, then in a short time he was penetrating me                                anally, and I loved it. To me the was the determining factor as if I remained female roled, and because I loved it,                                     this role was very much set then, (looking back), or in hind sight. Yet due to societies view,buried it in my mind

                               As from age 13 til 1998, my true desire sexually has been " having a man boning me then ejaculating in me ",

                               even if masturbating,or when having sex with a female that what I've always were my thoughts went .

                               Looking back, I can never recall a time when I was free of the desire to be a man's "girly-boyfriend"


                                                Then being sexually assaulted by a scout leader didn't help matters at 14

                                                      I know sticking our heads in sand, like in 1975 don't work!,

                                                           The law, scouts, parents,of all us boys, sweep it under the rug,no counseling nothing,

                                                                  The Offender walked alway freely. 


                          7. Though I tried to be  psychosexually male for the next 20 years, in my heart I was psychosexually female

                          8. Finally in 1998, again a sexy black male asked me to suck his cock, and took me as female-roled-male for sexual                                 purposes, or his girly-boyfriend. I knew full well my role for him was sexual, he wanted a female-roled-male that 

                             was easily often available to sexually pleasure him.Once he'd taken me anally, my role was set!

                          9, And he was very helpful in introducing me to some male like minded friends, whom routinely used me for sexual 

                              pleasure.Treating me Lady-like, taking me anally.ejaculating up into me;  "Impregnating me" (in my mind)

                             , I soon was routinely getting "double teamed" (which was wonderful, as I wanted "boned" as often as possible)

                         10. At this point I knew I was fully 100% emasculated(could never be a psychosexually male), ;

                              and was fully psychosexually female, just in a male body.

                                Yet , becoming hypersexual, searching for a Straight male whom was able to take me as a full time partner, was                                   clearly not going to happen, thus became celibate in 2005.

                              Wrote "Terrace" concept of Straight male,Straight female,Female-roled-male partnership as option for person like                                   myself, as well as the benefits for the partnership as a Whole.

                             Seriously began wishing to have my penis removed, thus surgery to have a female appearing vulva, thus allowing                                   me to look physically "not male" or unable to perform as a male sexually, and match my psycholocially female                                       character, my need to be like a female sexually as best possible. I think it's a need more Not to have a penis,                                       then the need to have a female like vulva, as a penis suggests I am sexually male, and I very much am not, 

                                in all respects,  I am 100% sexually female psychologically.   

                               Yet with a high male type sex drive (Hypersexuality), I very much control urges now, yet between 1998-2005, 

                                 I almost would of had men boning me all day every day if possible, even if I ejaculated, didn't matter, I a man or                                  men could keep boning me, or I was ready to take ejaculations orally. Often I'd masturbate-ejaculate , before                                       seeing a man, thus helping keep my penis limp.I never wanted a man see me with a erection or ejaculate.


                               In terms of Gender identity , I always felt " tomboy " like female.

                                         Growing up I identified with Jodi Foster, in terms of appearance of physical look of gender identity

                               In terms of sexuality identity, 100% female like, have always wished to be a female for a straight male.

                                         Since 1975 (age 13) I've known I only desired to be as a female sexually, even though tried being in male

                                          role sexually, found very much not correct for myself (for me having sex with a female is like same sex,                                                 sex,or like homosexual sex ), I much prefer feeling female, being treated like a female by a man.

                        

                                            I simply don't like feeling like a man in the sexual context  

                                                Thus makes it difficult, a mental conflict, especially to use my penis for sex,

                                                for example; I have performed oral sex on a lady, not that conflicting or if she uses a strap-on dildo,

                                                on me.

                                                 Or even , fact I am much more comfortable socially with a group of women nude, and would never be                                                     sexually excited, say taking open showers, when I posed nude, etc.as I identify as female much more                                                  then male



                                     

                                      


                                                                                                      ♦

                                                 Maybe one of most defining aspect at early age was wanting to be a;

                                                                                      " Tomboy "

                           One is not born but becomes a woman,

                                                                        Simone de Beauvoir  argues that;
                                                                   ‘one is not born but becomes a woman’.,
                               According to her, gender roles are a result of the environment in which an individual develops 

                     For myself, I could see as time passed,older more mature I developed, the more Lady-like I've wanted to be.

 Growing up , I was familiar with the Travesti " of Brazil and felt as though I was similar ,"male that wished to be in female role "
                                            I just never had the great need to look so drag-show, dressed up lady-like,
                        For myself it's always been more important to be known by my male friends I am female sexually in my mind . 

                                              And , I rather focus on having the gential surgery to have a female like vulva, 
                              Thus being both mentally and physically totally emasculated as sexually like a female as possible,
                          as long as I have a penis there is the inter conflict of not wanting to be male sexually, yet still having a penis

If anything first are foremost I want to be known as being totally emasculated into a female sexually

The Freudian construction of sexuality: the gay foundations of heterosexuality and straight homophobia.

Abstract

In developing his theory of male sexual preference, Freud asserted that heterosexual as well as homosexual preferences required explanation, that neither could be assumed to be innate. His theory of the oedipal complex, however, held that the heterosexual outcome was the "normal" resolution, while the homosexual outcome represented arrested sexual development. In the normal resolution the boy identifies as a male with the father, gives up the mother as a love object, and later substitutes another woman of his choice for the mother. The author of the following article, following the theorizing of Laplanche, claims that there is an unavoidable homosexual component or residue in the heterosexual resolution which is implicit in Freudian theory. In the resolution of the complex the boy has the choice of both parents as love objects or as persons with whom to identify.In the heterosexual resolution the boy identifies with the father as a rival for the mother's affection. But love and identification are not entirely discrete processes. The identification with the father involves love for the father. The heterosexual resolution of the oedipal conflict is bought at the price of the homosexual resolution which, however, is not completely surrendered. The homophobia of heterosexual males, the author asserts, is the result of the remnants of homosexuality in the heterosexual resolution of the oedipal conflict.


For whatever reason , I feel I identifies with my mother. -me " a theory "


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                                                             - Letter from Freud -


In 1935, Freud wrote to a mother who had asked him to treat her son's homosexuality, a letter that would later become famous:


" I gather from your letter that your son is a homosexual. I am most impressed by the fact that you do not mention this term yourself in your information about him. May I question you why you avoid it? Homosexuality is assuredly no advantage, but it is nothing to be ashamed of, no vice, no degradation; it cannot be classified as an illness; we consider it to be a variation of the sexual function, produced by a certain arrest of sexual development. Many highly respectable individuals of ancient and modern times have been homosexuals, several of the greatest men among them. (Plato, Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, etc). It is a great injustice to persecute homosexuality as a crime –and a cruelty, too. If you do not believe me, read the books of Havelock Ellis.

By asking me if I can help [your son], you mean, I suppose, if I can abolish homosexuality and make normal heterosexuality take its place. The answer is, in a general way we cannot promise to achieve it. In a certain number of cases we succeed in developing the blighted germs of heterosexual tendencies, which are present in every homosexual; in the majority of cases it is no more possible. It is a question of the quality and the age of the individual. The result of treatment cannot be predicted.

What analysis can do for your son runs in a different line. If he is unhappy, neurotic, torn by conflicts, inhibited in his social life, analysis may bring him harmony, peace of mind, full efficiency, whether he remains homosexual or gets changed." - Sigmund Freud


 

Homosexuality in Adolescent Males

W. J. Gadpaille

It is my clinical position that preferential or exclusive homosexuality represents an adaptation enforced by a disturbance in normal psychosexual development: the natural and undisturbed outcome of psychosexual development would be preferential heterosexuality. This adaptation is apparently subjectively successful for some people. But an adaptation to any disrupted development is inevitably more fragile and constricting than could ideally result from an undisrupted developmental process. This view is in contrast with those of some current vogue that regard homosexuality as a normal alternative sexual orientation.

I will focus essentially upon issues relating to treatment, scanting the details of etiological theories and psychodynamics except where necessary to illuminate specific therapeutic problems. I will limit my attention to adolescent males for a simple and practical reason: I have never seen in my practice an adolescent female homosexual. I have no explanation for that skew, since my heterosexual patients are quite evenly distributed between the sexes. - pep-web.org


                                                                             


         An association between male homosexuality and reproductive success

It has been demonstrated in previous studies that homosexual men have superior linguistic skills compared to heterosexual men. This may be the result of an adaptive feminising effect on the male brain and apply to many practising heterosexuals. Other adaptations to the recent ancestral environment may include enhanced empathy, fine motor skills and impulse control. By drawing together these contributing factors an evolutionary basis for homosexuality can be demonstrated.


In some polls and studies of heterosexual people's attributions for homosexuality, it has been demonstrated that when individuals believe that homosexuality is a matter of personal choice, their attitudes toward gay men and lesbians tend to be more negative, whereas more positive attitudes toward gay men and lesbians are associated with attributing homosexuality to something people are “born with” (Schneider & Lewis, 1984; Whitley, 1990; Wood & Bartkowski, 2004). Weiner et al.'s (1988) research concerning people's attributions for psychosocial stigmas also found that attributing the cause of a social stigma to something believed to be uncontrollable and immutable (such as genetics) is related to more positive attitudes. A focus on genetic origins also serves to counter the assertions by religious fundamentalist groups that homosexuality is a chosen “sin” and is “unnatural.” These findings have led some individuals and groups to assume that identifying a genetic causal role for homosexuality will result in more tolerant attitudes, as well as social and legal gains for gays and lesbians.

           Free-Will debateRobert Sapolsky of Stanford University explains free-will is very,very limited 

As I research the topic of " psychosexual development " , mainly all there is, is " Freud's Psychosexual Theory of Development".

  How can there be so little knowledge on a topic, so important to being "Human";

                                    now I can grasp better the far reaching

   ramifications , damage Judaism / Christianity has directly or in-directly been apart of !

     Destroying family relationships, making sex in general so taboo ,etc. follower, fear to question, and thus allow self's to          be homogenized , not accepting " divergence is needed for survival "


When Judaism demanded that all sexual activity be channeled into marriage, it changed the world. The Torah’s prohibition of non-marital sex quite simply made the creation of Western civilization possible. Societies that did not place boundaries around sexuality were stymied in their development. The subsequent dominance of the Western world can largely be attributed to the sexual revolution initiated by Judaism and later carried forward by Christianity.


Thus no research


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                                   Humans could not have survived without being highly diverse

And when society accepts that homosexuality is adaption,a divergence, just as a "female-role-male", simply a " Divergence "

Culture
Accordingly, the researchers discussed how an oversized brain led to culture, a product of thinking and social learning facilitated by language, creativity and innovation. The passing on of knowledge from generation to generation is metaphorically referred to as a cultural "ratchet effect," which creates greater complexity of culture over time.

In the wild, a lone human would not be able to survive without culture, explained evolutionary theorist Rob Boyd of University of California, Los Angeles. "Think about what is necessary to live in Alaska," he said. "You’d need a kayak, a harpoon, a float to not sink. Nobody invents a kayak. People learn the proper way to make a kayak from others." - scientificamerican.com


                                                                   

Argentina, the Comoros, Haiti, the Dominican Republic, Rwanda and Uruguay rank as the world’s least diverse countries. Argentina may be a surprise, what with all those Germans and Italians pouring into the country after one world war or the other. But Spanish is nearly universally spoken in Argentina, 97% of the country is white and more than nine-in-ten Argentines are at least nominally Roman Catholic, according to the CIA’s World Factbook.

                 Though it has taken nearly a life time to figure out why;

                                   I am " psychosexually female ", or in other words a "Female roled male "

myself after fishing,near age 13, yet I dreamed of looking as the person below
similar of how I would dream of looking like at 13 and beyond
At 13 This is how I began masturbating, and have most of life

As a element of my becoming a Fem-male, I think because I loved the feeling of having a cock in my mouth, liked to swallow my semen, once my friend at school invited me to suck his, I very much wanted to, knew how to, once I started sucking his, him ejaculating in my mouth, I loved it better!


                                 "Though good thing I can't suck myself anymore, as I might not want to go to Work!"

                                                                                Stage 5

Entering puberty, wet dreams, ejaculations, then masturbating by hand thus realizing what great feeling it was to have a orgasm and ejaculate " And the fact that I could make myself do it! ". Very soon, by curiousity I tried getting my erect penis in my own mouth, by surprise I could bring my legs up over me, and with little effort get most of my penis in my mouth, and just take my time sucking it, until I'd finally reach orgasm, ejaculate in my mouth and swallow it all.After that,it was the method I nearly always used to masturbate.


Entering 7th grade, where we now have to take showers(open showers), this in it's self a culture shock, taking showers with group   of boys nude. 

                                           Then realizing , I didn't fit, as I was sexual excited by some of these boys.
                                           Then soon to have one boy becoming attracted to me, and soon start to
                                           pursue me for sex "Seduce " me . → " my first experience as femboy page "

                     His Seduction of me soon worked, and he asked me to be his "girly-boyfriend" then took me sexually as ;
                     a girly- boyfriend,told me what a girly-boyfriend does, and soon I was sucking his penis,
                     then he was penetrating me anally and ejaculating in my bottom. I would normally at least give him a blow-job once a                          day,if could sneak away more I suck him as often as he wanted me to one day for example I did 3 times and after school                      if could, had time etc. we meet so he could penetrate me and ejaculate in my bottom. Soon he would introduce me to a                        older friend, whom wasn't in our school, yet he met us on our out of school encounters, he  really liked penetrating me                          anally.So they routinely began double teaming me, one would ejaculate in my mouth,one in my bottom.
                      The rumors at school started, students making fun behind my back type behavior, even then I wanted to be with them,
                      continued to as often as possible, they even then they where asking me if I'd like to be introduced to some other friends
                      of theirs, I told them they could if they where fit,clean etc, and promised to treat me good, this never happened due to                           the trauma of the shaming got worst, and had to stop seeing them, as well as being advised by a few friends whom                             knew. Yet I likely would of started having sex with as many as possible, selectively- whom I found fit.

                                                                                "This was very Traumatic"


                     Traumatic in many ways ,I didn't realize until a Life-time of personally inquiry, learning, recognizing.

                                                    1. the trauma of realizing I wanted to be his "girly-boyfriend" - really be like a girl
                                                    2. Once I actually was having sex with him and his friend, knowing I loved being in this role.
                                                               And it wasn't the Normal thing a boy does!
                                                    3. Realizing I liked being female roled sexually. now what! , I'm I stuck like this ?
                                                    4. Being discovered,public shaming,being made fun of.
                                                    5. The realization that no part of me wanted to change, that I didn't want to be like a boy sexually
                                                        I very much only wanted to be like a girl sexually, Trauma of "Not" having the want to change
                                                                                              "The Free-Will dilemma"

                                                       "One might do what they want, yet can't want what they want "

    In 1975 , even though teachers were aware of the shaming, it was so taboo, they buried heads in sand, instead of educating the                      student body on the fact that, same sex attraction is a normal, yet a divergent element of human evolution!  - 
                                                                                 clearly recorded in history!

   And what different can be done ? 
                                                               I've often thought of the idea of having a school just for transgender type individuals
                                                               male to female,(whom are only sexually attracted to males) yet select heterosexual girls as 
                                                               well, as I do think for myself friendship with females is important, as that is whom we are                                                                        trying to be like, Then at least we'd be known to be Transsexual types or;
                                                                         " males that are psychosexually female "
                                                                        as at this stage my sexual orientation was set,
                                                           and knew I only had desire to be a girly-boyfriend for a boy

                                                       We could dress as feminine like as we felt right for ourselves.
                                                       We could be taught about how to safely have sex with a boy (anal sex,etc)
                                                           as that will likely be the norm for rest of life .


                              My role at time was similar the Ancient Greeks (as a female roled male)

An elaborate social code governed the mechanics of Greek pederasty. It was the duty of the adult man to court the boy who struck his fancy, and it was viewed as socially appropriate for the younger man to withhold for a while before capitulating to his mentor's desires. This waiting period allowed the boy to ensure that his suitor was not merely interested in him for sexual purposes, but felt a genuine emotional affection for him and was interested in assuming the mentor role assigned to him in the pederastic paradigm.[citation needed]

The age limit for pederasty in ancient Greece seems to encompass, at the minimum end, boys of twelve years of age. To love a boy below the age of twelve was considered inappropriate, but no evidence exists of any legal penalties attached to this sort of practice. Traditionally, a pederastic relationship could continue until the widespread growth of the boy's body hair, when he is considered a man. Thus, the age limit for the younger member of a pederastic relationship seems to have extended from 12 to about 17 years of age.


              For example; Say in our modern society there was a "berdache" (female-roled-male ) tradition.

                                              Thus everybody is aware of it, Once I entered puberty, my sexually was very clearly known
                                              within my "tribe" ,school etc. as Female roled, thus I could be mentored in the role
                                            
                                        ♦  There could be a ethics established, like what age group males I could have sex with.
                                        ♦  I could be educated on such things as " preparing to be penetrated anally " safely and cleanly.
                                        ♦  How to perform fellatio
                                        ♦  A issue today clearly is the Age thing, a male over 18 now and in 1975 would of been breaking law,
                                           Yet for myself,I was clearly ready for a very attractive male gym teacher to sexually take me in my female                                              roled, and very much wished him to.
                                           Thus I could envision a select set of of 16 year old straight boys, I could date. they themselves instructed                                            how to have sex with boys like me. Thus by 14 years old I'd safely been instructed, socialized, the 16                                                    years ,now 17 they could no longer have sex with me again til I was 18, they now being 21.
                                           All the boys are educated in how to be a straight male or a Fem-male like myself, Thus at 14, I can select                                             those I wish to have sex with within age group 13-16, with mutual consent
                                         Once I reach 18, no one below my age can I have sex with, yet now I can start having sex with any males                                            older then 18. (just a concept)

                                           And I realize how real it could of been that " I might of actually been performing fellatio on,and allowing                                                  my young gym teacher to bone me, all he would of had to do was ask !,
                                               Even today I still fantasize of performing fellatio on him! 
                                         I was clearly attracted to older males, more adult size cock I wanted after having sex with my 16-18?                                                     friend(I never knew actually)he just always told me; "oh I'm about 16 "

                                                                 All the while Guided by a Very trained School Counselor 13-18

                                                                             "Very Good School Counelors needed"

                                                  I believe the whole School counselor System needs very much looked at and evolved

                                                      "  To help students develop the academic and social skills needed to succeed." 

                                                          For example, The Counelor has to become friend of the youth, and has gone over
                                                                                 the aspects of puberty with me for example,wants me to be open about
                                                                                 masturbation if I've started to yet, if I have had sex attractions to others and,or
                                                                                 have others shown attraction to me. Hopefully the Counselor's and I have a 
                                                                                 good relationship, I then could of explained a male student was asking me to
                                                                                 be his girly-boyfriend, and I very much want to be. 
                                                                     The Counselor could get my boyfriend and I and another counselor, the parents all                                                                                  together explain the consequences of he and I wanting to have sex, set up to get tested                                                                          for "STD's", in my case being Transgender and explaining I would be in the female role,
                                                                     I could be instructed in how to keep my "bottom" clean, as my boyfriend instructed on that 
                                                                     he be gentle, help keep me lubed. type of lubes, (like I only use a Slink dildo for cleaning,
                                                                     and vasoline) Actual sex K-y jelly.

                                                                                    I don't have the answer, except , not seeking to improve isn't the answer

                                               The best Role for myself once older, having gone though the "prostitutional" like stage, 
                                               would be to join with a traditional married heterosexual couple to live with as a form of;
                                                                                           " Fem-male / Au pair "
                                   Thus being part of the family , sexually pleasuring the male, yet being very close to the female as helper.

                                                                                             reason my idea for writing "Terrace"
                                   In Terrace we all love each other, William in a very altruistic way/allows me or gives me sex, Jodi and I have                                        Platonic non sexual love.

                                                               Au pair / wikipedia
                                                 
This was about 2002, last time really tried to self-suck, was able to only lick cock head the ejaculate in my mouth

                                              Stage 6

                      Age 13,  Looking back at the events that took place, the shame trauma of being discovered performing fellatio, being                                         anally penetrated by my two boyfriends, trying then to put it out of my mind, only caused much, much greater                                       problems.

                                 As I think in essence my "Role " was very much set, "I wanted to be a girly-boyfriend for a man ", yet on same                                         token, if I had not tried to be a "normal / regular man ", see the contrast, I'd never known, and by having to                                           constant craving to be back in my "Female" role, I clearly wanted it much more, wanted to be lady-like for man.


                                It was especially tough not having,knowing my true sexual role identity, Society was saying the role I wanted was

                                terrible, wicked, that I must be like the very boys that I wanted to be a "girly-boyfriend" for,it was as if being lost,                                   getting left behind, and having no method of navigation.So I just continued to "auto-fellate", then in summer of                                      1980 , met a female, ended up having sex with her, yet within few weeks, realized being in the male role was;

                                                                                                           not "correct"

                                Thus ended the relationship, soon though met another female, I liked being part of her family,so felt I could settle,

                                                                                               Thus married,soon had a child.

                                 She knew I sexually " autofellated" , so I continued to self-suck, yet my height had grown to point by this time, I                                      could barely get my cock head in my mouth to suck it til I ejaculated, the yearning to have a man's penis would                                    not go away.Though I never revealed to her, my sexual encounters at 13.

                                 Soon my wife and I started hanging out with a same age couple, whom also had child same age (about 11/2),

                                   I began to really start day-dreaming of sexual fantasy, read all Nancy Friday's books about sexual fantasy, then                                    at this novelty store found this "strip-game, a board game, soon I suggested to our friends we all try playing it,                                     we did on several occasions , all of nude hanging out, it felt good for me, the "profound" aspect of it was,

                                  I felt good felt good being with the girls nude in a non-sexual way, then the last time we all played the game,

                                 our two friends("him and her") began to have sex, my wife and I watched, and seeing "him's" penis going in and                                    out of her, I very much wanted "him" to bone me next as the two ladies watched., After my wife and I where                                  alone, having sex I mentioned to her how I felt, hoping by chance that could really happen next time, 

                                                                                                we all played the game.

                                                       There would never be another game, my wife made sure we'd never play again.

                                                                      I put it out of my mind, our friendship ended with the couple, 

                                                                                   due to fact that they soon divorced.

                                    And next I would ask my wife to start " cuckolding " me, my lust for a man ever increasing, soon she was                                                                              seeing another male, soon she asked me for a divorce.(1990)

                                                                          Which was very traumatic for me, again lost.

                                                       If I even thought of being a "girly-boyfriend" for a man again,I'd put it out of my mind.

                                                                            The Magic Johnson hiv ordeal was unfolding , 

                                    And even though I was wanting to be with a man in my female role, I kept myself from it,

                                         simply having short attempts at being in the male role with females, yet clearly it wasn't right.

                                     Thus by 1995, I was wanting " cuckolded" by a girlfriend, which she did, and routinely,


                                                               This Time, I clearly knew, I had to stop trying to be as a " Man" sexually,

                                                            and start being a 100% female roled, yet it took til 1998 to get the chance, 

                                                                                                                

                                                 The Hiv scare was fading (Facts About HIV: Life Expectancy and Long-Term Outlook)

                                             

Kaiser Permanente researchers found that the life expectancy for people living with HIV and receiving treatment increased significantly from 1996 on. Since that year, new antiretroviral drugs have been developed and added to the existing antiretroviral therapy. This has resulted in a highly effective HIV treatment regimen.In 1996, the total life expectancy for a 20-year-old person with HIV was 39 years. In 2011, the total life expectancy bumped up to about 70 years.

                                                                                                                                     

        Thus, I believe this was a factor in many Straight males being willing to take me,as a "Fem-male" in a prostitutional role

                  I have always thought of myself as Kathoey (ladyboy)or shemale type person in regards to the prostitutional    

                   aspect of my self image of being a prostitute for my men, which in essence I was, just didn't get paid by money,

                               I got paid by the men having sex with me as though I was a lady, making me feel lady-like,

                                                              I actually felt like I should of been paying them,

                       Thus being horny with a very high male type sex drive of a 36 year old, yet wanted to be lady-like,

                                      I was ready for all the sex with men I felt that I could selectively,safely get.

 

                                                                          10 Types Of Prostitutes In History

                                                                             Male prostitution / Wikipedia

                                                     Even though I wasn't paid, it was very much postitutional like.

                                                          Nevada gives 'green light' to its first male brothel -2010

                            


                                       Thus when a man would finally ask me to be his "girly-boyfriend" for sexual purposes,

                          He was very kind, gentle, just great!, yet made it clear, he wanted me for sucking his cock and boning me

                                                                when he wanted it. And lucky for me,he wanted it a lot,

                                                                        and introduced me to friends that wanted it a lot.

                                     Within only a few months I was nearly having a sexual encounter daily,often on weekends,3-4 a day.

                                 

                                 Yet, don't exactly know how it could of played out, if say I started dressing female like,as I wanted too, even now                                     that would be tough, as American society is so far from having a wide range ability to adapt to;

                                    " Female-roled-boys"......that is playing out now, in 1975 imagine ?

                                  I personally think , I'd start wearing skirts, leg warmers 

                                                                    Try to look similar to Fem-male below↓
                                                     and as a Fem-male, this role is only proper role-please your Man!
                                                             Thus I do it with same  "vigor" as fem-male below
When society can walk into reality, realize we are different in that in our minds we feel female like, only then society can improve

The whole " Not being able to see a thing for what a thing really is" the Core concept of Allegory of Cave, Pre-Concieved Notions, and clearly what has Haunted Humanity for a few thousand years, This is a Huge problem!

                              Why did Society as a Whole stop psychologically evolving over 2000 years ago, and only small few did?

                                                  As far as the aspect of 13 year old males of post puberty and sex ?

                                                     What is natural, and how does a modern society deal with it?

                                                            I know sticking our heads in sand, like in 1975 don't work!

                     At times I even have thought my desire for the vulvoplasty surgery(total castration), might of been partly due the sexual

                     assualt, because he clearly wanted my penis, thus by not having a penis, people like him would not be attracted to me.

                  Yet, I had the desire prior to the event, the desire to not have a penis and appear girly-like my mom and step-sister.

                      Which has always been a clearly defined desire, yet thankfully not a obsession.

                  I would never date anyone til summer of 1980, met a girl we had sex few times

                  Then met my wife to be, married, few kids....American Dream ?

                By 1985, I was asking her to cuckold me, she soon started to, and then 1990 divorce

                   Tried being with females in male role, yet in the back of my mind, I knew I needed to be back in my Female sexual role.


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Like when 13 and now, in a advanced society it be good to walk down road,wear a skirt,be a Fem-male and not be ashamed

   10/20/2019                                                                     Stage 7

        By about 1996, I was seeing a female, in a steady sexual relationship, yet was lusting to be "cuckolded", I started telling her

                     that I fantasized about her having sex with another man. With much persuading, she soon said that she'd try to find a                          guy, which was soon, she found she liked having sex with him, I beg hear to give me the details, and willingly and 

                     honestly she did. It became routine,soon there after usually once or twice a week she'd have sex with him, then on day                        she asked me if I'd ever suck cock, telling her about my experience in 7th grade, and being a open-minded person that                        she was, she asked me if I thought that if I had the urge to now ? I explained to her that ; in the back of my mind, I                                believed I had never lost the need to be a Man's "girly-boyfriend", and have sex with me like I'm a girl, she told me, if I                          wished ,she ask her boyfriend if he'd might do that. However I was reluctant, putting off saying yes or no, she thought                          continued seeing him routinely, and by 1998 I started posing nude for Art classes, and within a few months, was asked                        by a male art student  if I like to suck his cock. I was very,very much ready to be taken by a Man, as a girly-boyfriend.

                     I explained to him,of  my experience while in 7th grade, and my desire was to be taken by him in that same way, I very                        much wanted treated sexually as though I was a lady......his reply was, that is what he wanted me for, friendship sure,                          yet he wanted a "femboy" type male, he could get a blow-job from, or penetrate anally.

                       Once my new boyfriend started routinely "boning" me, I knew that this was very much my "Role", and what I'd wanted                          and needed all my life since 7th grade, it just felt "So" right, and correct. I had to soon explain to my girlfriend                                        though,and soon her and I went our own ways, yet remain friends to this day.

                     A problem soon arouse with my boyfriend though, and that was only due to fact that I could only get a very limited                                  amount of Attention from him, he was heterosexual, so he was dating females, school. work etc. Thus soon he'd only                          find time to " bone " me once a week, and maybe a quick blow-job once a week, and I was literally in "Heat", at that                              time, 3 times a day 7 days a week wouldn't been enough, all I wanted to do was get "boned". Telling him this, he was                            very empathtic, and asked me if I'd mind if he asked a few guys he knew, if they would be interested in meeting me?. 

                       I told him, I like to try if he wouldn't be jealous, he laughed,told me he'd love to watch me, as I got "boned" by a friend.

                     Soon, I was introduced to one of his friends, we liked each other, routinely pleasured him, soon he introduced me to                              friend. Like dominoes falling, in about 6 month's I had a tribe of 10# str8, 100% top men, ages 19 to 45, routinely                                  seeing me for sex, either just getting a blow-job,hand-job,or boning, some form of sexual pleasuring I'd give them.

                       And like any profession, if doing a good service, by word of mouth alone, my "Tribe" grew to point I could if had the 

                        time, easily have sex everyday, which I very much tried to do if at all possible.

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                                                                             Stage 8

                            What was really was evolving in my mind that was, now that I was taking men anally and having them ejaculate up                                in my bottom, it became my main " objective " getting literally impregnated, my desire to dress female like for the                                  men increased greatly, I started telling them of my desire to get surgery in order to have a female like vulva.

                                   (yet even today,I don't think the vulvoplasty MtoF surgery is advanced enough,nore the Hormone taking needed, or else I'd be;                                                       actively seeking to actualy have the surgery)

                            Thus I called it " I had become 100% emasculated into a psychosexually female ". My men agreed that would                                   be right for me, even some telling me that I was as feminine sexually as any female they ever knew.

                            As I explained to them though " how many females are consciously trying to be a Female, they already are !, where                               I am a male whom is consciously trying not to male, and trying very,very hard to be Lady-like ! "

                                    I have to take much more effort to even get " boned ", in way of getting and keeping my "bottom" clean and                                            ready to get "penetrated ". Which is well worth the effort, due to fact when a man's up in me, makes me very
                                     very much feel lady-like, and my men very much liked the tightness of my bottom.

                                   So in essense I could say " I'm psychologically castrated,and or transsexual psychologically "

                                       " And if the surgery was really feasible, I get a vulvoplasty MtoF surgery in a heart-beat "

                                  Once I started studying on the ways of the berdache, I came across writings such as the following;

                                   " berdaches served a communal purpose, for instance, as sex servants for young braves who would otherwise                                        violate the marriageable girls of the community. All in all, the berdaches in these early settings served                                                   demographic, prostitutional, and economic functions that maintained hierarchy. 
                        
                                     Thus very much related to being a "berdache" type, very much reinforcing my role as "female-roled-male",
                                     by knowing there had been many males like myself whom desired to serve a tribe of horny males sexually.

                                  And this in turn motivated me to try harder at learning to please my men to best of my ability, "I had a Mission ".

                                     Plus besides just being sexual, they could talk to me,tell me their troubles,dreams,just be friends.

                                          And I needed the ability to not feel ashamed of being like a berdache in a culture, that shamed being,
                                                                         being "different" in one's sexual role.

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Vulvoplasty is a male-to-female gender affirming procedure that removes the penis, scrotum and testicles, creates the labia and clitoris, and re-positions the urethral opening. Unlike Vaginoplasty, Vulvoplasty does not include the creation of the vaginal canal, though in most cases, a vaginal introitus dimple can be constructed (ie, Shallow Depth Vaginoplasty.) The surgery is shorter and risks to adjacent structures such as the rectum are decreased. (Salim, et al.)

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I do agree with Freud, in that if a male has taken the role of female truly for "Role", not simply for sexual pleasure, they can not be changed back to being a heterosexual male.

    For myself, in 1998 I was 100% emasculated into a psychosexually female roled person, and never again could I ever have sex as    a male, nore have I had the desire to be with a female in that capacity.


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Sex and Repression in Savage Society is a 1927 book by anthropologist Bronislaw Malinowski. It is considered "a famous critique of psychoanalysis, arguing that the 'Oedipus complex' described by Freud is not universal.

If I relate to Blanchard's two types transsexualism;

Blanchard categorized trans women into two groups: "homosexual transsexuals" who are attracted exclusively to men, and who seek sex reassignment surgery because they are feminine in both behavior and appearance; and "autogynephilic transsexuals" who are sexually aroused at the idea of having a female body-wikipedia


                    I am very much of the homosexual transsexual, my desire to look feminine is from a "practical " standpoint, I want to                             define myself as psychosexually female, so a Str8 male knows my role sexually is 100% female, and desire to be

                      treated just as though I were female.

                      My desire to have surgery in order to have female vulva, and not have a penis, is due fact I don't want the "maleness"

                    that obviously a penis projects, thus I showing my man, that I am fully emasculated, fully committed to my female role.


                    My main desire, when with a man, is my behavior, I have a great desire to be as feminine as possible, sexually pleasure                       him as though I am really am a female,in best way possible, 

                    Try to project to him, he is not homosexual by having sex with me, so I have always been aware not to threaten his                                 masculinity, for example , I encourage my men to call me, and or, describe me as "lady-boy", "fem-male".


The homosexual type corresponds to what is known as early-onset in other sources, while the autogynephilic type corresponds to what is known as late-onset in other sources. Homosexual transsexuals are proposed to be motivated by being very feminine in both behavior and appearance, and by a desire to romantically and sexually attract (ideally very masculine) men. Autogynephilic transsexuals are thought to be motivated by their sexual desire and romantic love for being women ….(.for my self , sexually attracting certain type male, would be how I define it)

For example ; I have a need to feel "female-like ", when a male is having sex with like I am a female (copulating with me,as his penis up inside of me), then the pleasure I am getting from him is very much more psychological, as he is making me feel female, sure I like the physical pleasure, yet have no desire to ejaculate, I have never even had a erection when with a man, seldom ejaculate, if I do , 

I have always been completely limp, I never ever want a man to see me with a erection,this as always been important, as I don't want to project to him that I am masculine in any way. Even if I played with myself,say when giving a blow-job, I couldn't get erection, as I was 100% pyschologically in a female mind-set.

For me, my man's role is " letting me be lady-like with him", and, or " Allowing me to have his penis up inside me, and giving me his semen ", as well as simply being kind ,empathtical in order to psychologically make me feel very Feminine, accepting the fact that, my desire is that, and not thinking I am mentally ill, etc. like society has done.

Eonism

Ellis studied what today are called transgender phenomena


Ellis found eonism to be "a remarkably common anomaly", and "next in frequency to homosexuality among sexual deviations", and categorized it as "among the transitional or intermediate forms of sexuality". As in the Freudian tradition, Ellis postulated that a "too close attachment to the mother" may encourage eonism, but also considered that it "probably invokes some defective endocrine balance".[12]

                                     Stage 6, dilemma

                   All my memories return to the sexual encounter with my two friends as to what most shaped my sexual orientation.

                            1, To me I view it as point when I lost my " virginity "

                            2. I very much didn't want to stop being a girly-boyfriend, for a boy or boys, very much wanted that role

                                Yet there was no room in society for that role ?

                                Does one move to a Different country?Does that country even exist?

                            3. The male refractory mood swing after ejaculation when having sex in my Female role,(at 13) if I did was nearly                                     was very mild.

                                Yet with female it was as though I did something against my nature, shameful, I'd often get depressed (.at 18)

                            4. And not until 1998, once I was taken as a Female-roled-male again by a man, would I truthly feel good again                                         after sex. This was very Contrasting and Clear psychologically. In a short order he had me 100% femininized/

                                emasculated, The best thing that could of happened, as my whole life sense 13 to then seemed a " Lie ".

                                Trying to be a heterosexual man, when all along I was a Fem-male,female roled person.

 For myself , Normal after sex with females, sadness occured

The phenomenon is first mentioned by the Greek doctor Galen, who wrote that "Every animal is sad after coitus except the human female and the rooster."[2] The philosopher Baruch Spinoza, in his Tractatus de Intellectus Emendatione, wrote: "For as far as sensual pleasure is concerned, the mind is so caught up in it, as if at peace in a [true] good, that it is quite prevented from thinking of anything else. But after the enjoyment of sensual pleasure is passed, the greatest sadness follows. If this does not completely engross, still it thoroughly confuses and dulls the mind." 

 Then again my routine was normally to avoid ejaculation until after my man had finished ejaculating,we departed company, I'd gone home, and alone, often simply wouldn't ejaculate, yet often did at this time.For myself I felt very good from the stand-point of, "he made me feel Lady-like ", my main psychological need. And for myself to ejaculate in a man's presence, he usually, by intent give me a slow, lengthy " boning", (have the time).

When I started desiring to look female (not have penis)

 I am not entirely sure, the Renee Richards ordeal was going on soon after, my first sexual encounter which made my wonder   if, I was really maybe like this person in the news, which did scare me, because I wanted so much to be female like as well, yet it        seened a distant thing, and such a thing (being transformed into a female) was a rich people thing.

Renée Richards (born August 19, 1934) is an American ophthalmologist and former tennis player who had some success on the professional circuit in the 1970s, and became widely known following male-to-female sex reassignment surgery, when she fought to compete as a woman in the 1976 US Open.

(which I even then felt very wrong, it even be considered this person can now compete against women,still do)

Caroline Cossey (born 31 August 1954) is a transgender British model. She has appeared in the James Bond film For Your Eyes Only, and in 1991 was the first trans woman to pose for Playboy.[2]

(I remember simply kinda having a kinship with Caroline Cossey, yet never have felt "I am a woman",only in psychological sense )

I do remember in 3rd grade , I began having this re-occurring day-dream, still even do, " of;  "Tinkerbell trapped", as well as I had started wearing my mom's panty-hose alot under my jeans, to school.

I know I liked "idea" of being like"Tinkerbell " at age 8

                                                First memories of performing "fellatio "                                           


At this time (age 8)a neighborhood friend and I would go to woods alot, get totally nude play around, and I'd usually suck on his penis.He was same age, thus didn't ejactulate, yet he would get erect.I did very much like the feeling of his penis in my mouth.

 For some reason he and I drifted apart, as far as hanging out together by 7th grade, yet I do remember right before I actually had my first " ejaculation " ,in the showers at school one day, he talked about the fact that he had already started ejaculating, I did at the time, know what he mean't, yet Soon, I found out !. At times, I wished it was he, whom I'd lost my "virginity" too! as a "girly-boy", as I know him prior to kindergarden, he lived only a few houses always growing up....in 1997 he died of Hiv  (I knew he was homosexual)

 

 A funny thing that happened in 1980 though, my mom asked me to call him, set a date so he,her and I could go bowling together, which I did, we all went bowling, yet I never ever had a chance to ask her why she wanted to do that, then she suddenly died in 1986.

 At the time I was seeing a girl sexually, or I might of ( I remember thinking while bowling) asked him if he might let me be his girly-boyfriend, or at least start " boning " me on occasion. As I clearly had seen then the contrast of "Roles ", and I felt that I should be in the female role much more. liked the female role a lot more. And I remember being upset , by not asking him if he'd let me be in the female role with him, so I'd known better if that would be better for me.


Call it the Trapped Tinkerbell Scenario, as I fantasized of being like Tinkerbell (as I was sexual attracted to Peter Pan,wanted to suck his penis in the dream)or trapped like her, I'd have that same dream all my life  not understanding it, tell after finally after 1998, and getting to be in my Female role . Then after studying Cognitive Dissonance , which simply is the root of so called Gender Dysphoria 


A excerpt about Kazimierz Dąbrowski's Positive Disintegration


Regardless, the idea I stress, which I have somewhat drifted away from, is that these unique individuals who break away from the safety of group think are brave souls. They were burned as witches, and our scientists and philosophers, even Jesus, put to death. Now idolized and revered, in their time they were the brunt of much abuse and cruelty. Our heroes of today who walk the path of Positive Disintegration face much of the same fate. Only now they aren’t yet seen as heroes. They are still the outcast and the joke, both ridiculed, ostracized and even killed.

Now, not everyones disintegration takes them such a divine route but it still must be noted that one of the very first steps, of breaking away from societies expectations can be the very hardest as it is against our very nature of self preservation." intpintp.wordpress.com


                                                                                                                  ↑ Cognitive Dissonance ,


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I do know now, if I lived in a society where being a "berdache" type male was a accepted normal, I'd dress in public like below images

, And very much "Not " try to completely pass as Female, as I see myself as psychologically much more female,psychosexually 100%   female,yet biologically male thus " Female Roled male "
least at beach

For myself, this "Divergence from gender Normal " needs seen "Symbolically", as a step in Societial evolution ,a "Thresold", that must be reached, passed through, or many other higher planes of development will not be reached, in essence we reached a "stall point ", in progress, with this issue as well as many others, yet the " Gender Divergence " issue is Front and Center.

              At aprox. 28:56 Steve Pinker says something that every American should be aware of, and be asking Why ?

                                "A stall or stagnation point " culturally

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                    Developmental profile of 200 male and 100 female transsexuals in Singapore - .springer.com


Two hundred male and 100 female transsexuals compared with 100 male and 80 female heterosexuals were studied in Singapore. Transsexuals started their psychosexual development earlier than controls. Transsexual feelings started in childhood. Male transsexuals went through a homosexual phase followed by a transvestite phase, before they became transsexual. Female transsexuals did not go through distinct phases. Cross-dressing was one of the early signs of transsexualism and started earlier in females. None of the transsexuals were married, in contrast to reports showing that up to 50% of Caucasian transsexuals had been married. Cultural differences may explain the contrasts between Singapore transsexuals and patients from Western countries.


        (most likely, like myself .....trying to be heterosexual by getting married, yet found it just could not work)

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“[Fa’afafine is] basically a Samoan boy who grew up to be a girl in the family….The word fa’a means ‘way of’ and fafine is ‘woman’ in Samoa so basically if you look it in those terms its ‘way of a woman’...and in Samoa we have fa’afafine meaning boys or males who take up the female gender roles within their families and not necessarily just within their families. They [fa’afafine] go from family, in the church and at work, in the workplace and basically it means living life twenty-four seven as a woman….We (fa’afafine) place a big value on our family”. – Athena 
 

Fa’afafine are born not made
As revealed in Chapter 2, how one becomes a fa’afafine is a complex
matter. Similar to Kaltenborn’s (2003: p. 75) findings, all fa’afafine
narrators in this study assert that they were born and not made fa’afafine;
nature was the root cause, not nurture:
 
“I think I was born like that and I think most of us [fa’afafine] are [born that way]”. – Max
 
“Fa’afafine is nature…born that way…it’s in their nature being fa’afafine…No-one influenced me to being a fa’afafine”. – Athena
 
“Well to my understanding and my own personal experience...fa’afafines aren’t made they are born as fa’afafine…fa’afafines are just born as fa’afafines….”. – Honey

As myself ;  I believe I could of been pre-disposed to be " Feminine ", yet when my wanting / desire to actually be " Like the girls ", I can't be certain, only after puberty did I know I desired to be " Like a girl sexually for boys ", which was very defined.


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Are fa’afafine gay?
Most fa’afafine narrators argue that fa’afafine are really distinct from gay,
men and women who they say have a same-sex orientation. Gay sexual
preference and sexual orientation, they claim, is different to that of a
fa’afafine, and the term gay is western in origin: 


“I see gay guys that go with gay guys…and then with fa’afafines, I don’t think they go for that type. They will probably go with a straight guy rather than one that’s gay…I wouldn’t see one fa’afafine going out with another [fa’afafine] but I would see them going out with a straight man”. – Max
 
“Well gay is European, it’s not a Samoan term and there’s no term for gays in [a] Samoan context…Gay refers [to] a male who likes another male, wants to go out with another male…”. – Lia
 
“When the term gay pops into my head, I think of two men having sex. It doesn’t [mean] a fa’afafine having sex with a man. Fa’afafine is not a sexual term…. whereas the term gay…labels men who are attracted to other men, or women who are attracted to other women. So there is a big difference…I live my life as a woman, my family respects me as a woman…”. – Honey
 
“Gay men are men who like men. Fa’afafine is simply a man who has taken up female roles…and also you throw in the feelings and emotions [of being a female]. But there’s a difference here right. Men for men is simply men for men. But fa’afafine in Samoa have taken up the identity of women like going as women. 
 

Fa’afafine…have this basic belief that they are all women ….we go around as women….The fa’afafine perspective of them liking men it’s like a female, a normal female, liking another male....[M]ost of us fa’afafine in Samoa…we only like straight males…we don’t go around liking …gay men or other fa’afafine for sexual conduct…. 
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We have people from abroad who...have no idea of Samoa. They come in and in their observation and with their conclusions they usually say that the relationship of a fa’afafine with another man is a gay relationship. But you know you have to come to understand where the fa’afafine is coming from. The mind set of a fa’afafine going out with another guy…is that she is a ‘she’ and he is a ‘he’….our relationship with the men we go out with are [categorized] as a normal female and male relationship, a heterosexual relationship, unlike a gay man going out with another gay man. That’s where homosexuality comes in”. – Athena

Myself I would have to  narrate it as ;  It has always been against my "characteristic ", desire to be in the male sexual role, for example, I have never wished to use my penis to penetrate a female,male,anything period, never have I ever penetrated a male nore could if tried,I have with females, yet always was in conflict with it mentally, have never wished a female or male to perform fellatio on me, both of which I would never allow today;  as it is → very much a source of Cognitive Dissonance, is very much against my "character", as I 100% ; →only desire to be in the "female role sexually "


                  " I have always made it clear to men, I want to be sexually like a female "


                                                                                                ♦                                                                                                                  

        " My very clear, number one objective sexually, has seemed to be " get with a man that I like, and get him to impregnate me"


                                                              I don't really desire to be sexually pleasured myself, 

                                                           I want to get his penis in me, so he can ejaculate in me

                                                    It may sound strange, yet it clearly is " I want to breed with him "


                                                                    "Social Expectations"

             I am fairly certain if it were not for the Social Expections of how a "Male " should be sexually, which in 1975 was clearly;

                                                                                "Man only mates with Woman "

                           there would of been a very good chance that I would of never even imagined having sex with a female,

                or may of a few times, and quickly realized this isn't right for me, and gone back to being in the "female role for males"


                                  And because I did want to not only continue my female sexual role with my two boyfriends,

                       I continued to wish certain other males would ask to have sex with me , which if it were not for the shaming,

                      I clearly would of been routinely performing fellatio on them, as well as letting them "practice breeding " me

                               Sexual imprinting, learning and speciation

Abstract

Learned mate preferences may play an important role in speciation. Sexual imprinting is a process whereby mate preferences are affected by learning at a very young age, usually using a parent as the model. We suggest that while the origins of learning appear to lie in the advantages of individual recognition, sexual imprinting results from selection for recognition of conspecifics. This is because efficient early learning about one’s own species is favoured in the presence of heterospecifics. If different species are hybridizing, both sexual imprinting and learning to avoid heterospecifics during adulthood promote assortative mating and hence speciation. As a result of sexual imprinting, speciation may also be completed in allopatry when divergence between populations is sufficient to prevent interbreeding when the populations reunite, even in the absence of genetic evolution of mate preference. The role of behaviour and learning in completing the speciation process is relatively overlooked. In particular the evolution of sexual imprinting as a result of selection against hybridization warrants more study.- nature.com  (pdf) can be downloaded

For myself,   ↑  (age 6 ) due being exposed to secretly seeing my mother and new step-father having sex,(routinely being woke by them,and fact that my bedroom was attached to my mothers room by a seprate door)  The great trauma of the divorce, some how I was sexually imprinted to have my mother's role (female role).


As soon after I very much remember starting to routinely suck a neighbor friend's penis, as well as having him try to penetrate me anally. Thus at least steering my way toward female sexual role.

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                                              Donating my body after death;

                           to check for other male "DNA" through  Microchimerism process

                              Due to fact I have had so many males ejaculate in me anally and orally, is there a chance ?

I think finally someone is seeing how Evolution occurs first by tribe, and the individuals in the tribe must be made of divergence traits.

  He talks of how a male went to prison began to get "boned" by stronger males, and thus started developing female traits!

It is well known that sex steroids, particularly estrogen, play a crucial role in the attainment and maintenance of peak bone density in all people. Transgender (trans) have been frequently observed to have low bone density prior to initiation of gender-affirming hormone therapy.    Why is this ?

We need to remember


It was barely 100 years ago that girls were getting married at 14 or 16 years of age, but then the life expectancy was so much lower. The most fertile years for a woman are between 13 and 25 and that's when nature intended for women to have babies. We've postponed child-bearing later and later over the past decades as more women choose to have careers and get them established and then have kids later. We also have a longer life expectancy now, so having children at 40 now means that you will probably live long enough to see them grow up. Decades ago that wasn't the case. Also, families used to have a lot more children than they do now so that there would be sufficient help working the family farm, and also because child mortality rates were higher back then, so if you had 8 kids you could hope that at least some of them would live to grow up. However, we have pushed puberty even earlier with the use of hormones in cattle and chickens which we then take into our bodies when we eat. These hormones are thought to be causing children to start maturing at younger and younger ages.

                                          Why is the average onset age of puberty dropping? - blog.mylola.com

the degree of feminine I wish / felt I should look without vulvoplasty surgery similar to how
Ideally though I best look like this to fit my personality

                      As never wanting to be a male sexually, looking as above defines my want to only be sexually female like.

                  I personally think as I evolved further into becoming a " Female-roled-male ", I was in effect forced to a form of ;

                                                         Positive Disintegration as described by Kazimierz Dąbrowski


"Without passing through very difficult experiences and even something like psychoneurosis and neurosis we cannot understand human beings and we cannot realize our multidimensional and multilevel development toward higher and higher levels." Dąbrowski.


Dąbrowski described the psychological factors he believed to be related to positive (growth full) outcomes after crises. He called these factors developmental potential and they include a description of psychological sensitivity he called overexcitability (OE). 


Dąbrowski observed that individuals with strong OE experience crises in a stronger, deeper and more personal manner. The intense experience of crises creates an opportunity for the conscious and volitional rearrangement of the self including a reformulation and reprioritization of one's values and beliefs. The individual forms a new image of his or her ideal personality. With this ideal as a guide, the lower aspects of the self are inhibited and higher goals and aspirations emphasized. The theory is a testimony to Kazimierz Dąbrowski's deep insights into human character and development.


          One coming out of my age 13 sexual encounters, clearly wishing to be in the "female role" for my boyfriends, clearly only desiring that be my sexual identity, yet not being able to be in that role, due "non-acceptance by society " was a great crises.


 "Suffering, aloneness, self-doubt, sadness, inner conflict; these are our feelings that we have not learned to live with, that we have failed to appreciate, that we reject as destructive and completely negative, but in fact they are symptoms of an expanding consciousness.-Dąbrowski.


These quotes capture the heart of Dąbrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration. The theory describes a process of personality development—the creation of a unique, individual personality.

   I clearly had at that time ,  No Model of how to be a "female-roled-male", yet was quite sure that I was psychosexually very female      like, thus one can see the kinship to the third-gender types like the berdache, Fa'afafine Muxe. which the the ability to get on the internet,and came for myself ,about 1998, which was a very event filled time, I began posing nude for art classes, and not long after take the female role for man again, and finally realizing this was my "true role". (once I had a man's penis up in me ejaculating)


                                              Also once I was routinely getting penetrated,and the the great liberation I felt,

                                               made it quite clear that it was the proper role that I needed to be in.

                                    Now it was like a mission to separate all self projections of masculinity from myself,

                                      I wanted to eliminate all masculinity for myself,as much as for the men I was having sex with.

                                      I wished Appear as Feminine for my men as possible, as not to threaten their masculinity.


                   for myself I also feel I was enduring a Disintegration or finally completely dissolving all identity as male sexuality;

                                or total psychological emasculation or in essence allowing myself to become psychosexually female,

                                               this in it's self very difficult to navigate and a major internal conflict.


                             Imagine being very religious, and suddenly giving up your belief, it was far greater then that, I just took along time

                                                           Doing it, yet at same time gave up my religion, had to it condemned me!


                                I do feel because of the time span of first experience with actually being in female role sexually @ 13, to ,

                                age of 36, with entire time in between 23 years of clearly wanting to be psychosexually female, more and more.

                                wanting not to be psychosexually male, thus once entering into a sexual relationship , I was able to clearly define                                myself to him as a "Female roled male or psychosexually female person, to a degree transsexual like, as I felt I                                   should have the vulvoplasty surgery, in total castration, and ability to at least look female like sexually.


   Still there was no resources on how to be a "good- female-roled-male" for a man, no one to talk to except the men I was having      sex with, which thankfully they where gentle,and understanding of my dilemma.


                                    Dąbrowski's theory would refer to this as " personality ideal ", a state of being (stage 4 of 5)


   

     I want a man to know , I want him to have sex with me as though I actually am a female, only that he has to penetrate me anally

                    thus the image below reflects my     " personality ideal ",                    

On right is my Ideal self, as far as degree of psychosexually female I wish to appear for a man

A passage of Simone Weil'sto accept the void      "which I feel relates, in away to being total emasculated"

"

Not to exercise all the power at one’s disposal is to endure the void. This is contrary to all the laws of nature. Grace alone can do it.

Grace fills empty spaces but it can only enter where there is a void to receive it, and it is grace itself which makes this void.

The necessity for a reward, the need to receive the equivalent of what we give. But if, doing violence to this necessity, we leave a vacuum, as it were a suction of air is produced and a  supernatural reward results. It does not come if we receive other wages: it is this vacuum which makes it come.

It is the same with the remission of debts (and this applies not only to the harm which others have done us but to the good which we have done them). There again, we accept a void in ourselves.

To accept a void in ourselves is supernatural. Where is the energy to be found for an act which has nothing to counter- balance it? The energy has to come from elsewhere. Yet first there must be a tearing out, something desperate has to take place, the void must be created. Void: the dark night. - Simone Weil

         Live's song "Lightning  crashes" is very symbolic to me in the essence of  when something must be sacrificed as so a void is                 created to accept the " New ", just as a " Pre-Concieved Notion " must be dissolved prior to accepting;

                                                                       a new form   thought.

                                 Or One remains in a State of Cognitive Dissonance , for a trans-person they call it Gender Dysphoria ,

                                               one in the same, Gender Dysphoria simply a specific dilemma.

                                                                            Holding two opposing Views                                                                                       

This is only video on "psychological emasculation" ↑  I could find, and posting to show it is a traumatic event, but also for women to aware of themselves,if they do this, as it is a No,No for men, for myself it was a self imposed need .

me being want to me

                                 "Totally psychological and physically emasculated / femininized male that mirrors how I feel"

I wished to have the Transfeminine Bottom Surgery (Vulvoplasty)... for many years    (A vulvoplasty is a type of surgery that uses skin and tissue from a penis to create all of the outside parts of a vagina (except for the vaginal canal).-can't take penis-


As I am used to being penetrated anally, and love to be , the draw back only getting prepared for being penetrated, which I am quite used to.

The men I was with very often commented , that they liked how tight I was, as well as men that were exceptionally big (8-10") knew they could go fully up in me.


The only real issue preventing myself from getting the surgery is the complications of Hormones,lack of published research,lack of knowledge period on the topic, options etc.


My main objective being " not having a penis " which signifies my male sexuality,I don't want a man to ever touch my penis, which I want it to be tiny,limp, showing him I have no male sexuality about me, no sexual urges a normal male has, my sexual urges are in essense same as most heterosexual females, to the degree as nearly innate biologically, in that I want to " impregnated", "bred". I do very much like having a man's penis in my mouth ejaculating, Yet always want him up inside me ejaculating, if possible.

For example, I seldom ever have had a orgasm with a man, never get a erection, If I do by chance ejaculate I've always been tiny and limp.

My psychologically highest pleasure with a male, is when he is up inside my bottom ejaculating, and the act of simply pleasuring him.

IDENTITY VS ROLE CONFUSION ADOLESCENCE (12-18YRS) Erikson

The recognition of a distinct role of berdache or transvestite is, they say, „the commonest form of institutionalized homosexuality.“ This form shows a marked similarity to that in our own society, though in some ways it is even more extreme. The Mojave Indians of California and Arizona, for example, recognized both an alyhá, a male transvestite who took the role of the woman in sexual intercourse, and a hwamé, a female homosexual who took the role of the male. People were believed to be born as alyhá or hwamé, hints of their future proclivities occurring in their mothers‘ dreams during pregnancy. lf a young boy began to behave like a girl and take an interest in women’s things instead of men’s, there was an initiation ceremony in which he would become an alyhá. After that he would dress and act like a woman, would be referred to as „she“ and could take „husbands.“

But the Mojave pattern differs from ours in that although the alyhá was considered regretable and amusing, he was not condemned and was given public recognition. The attitude was that „he was an alyhá, he could not help it.“ But the „husband“ of an alyhá was an ordinary man who happened to have chosen an alyhá, perhaps because they were good housekeepers or because they were believed to be „lucky in love,“ and he would be the butt of endless teasing and joking.

This radical distinction between the feminine, passive homosexual and his masculine, active partner is one which is not made very much in our own society, but which is very important in the Middle East. There, however, neither is thought of as being a „born“ homosexual, although the passive partner, who demeans himself by his feminine submission, is despised and ridiculed while the active one is not. In most of the ancient Middle East, including among the Jews until the return from the Babylonian exile, there were male temple prostitutes. Thus even cultures that recognize a separate homosexual role may not define it in the same way as our culture does. - Lysis(Greek for Dissolution)


Many transsexuals, that is, Homosexual Transsexuals or HSTS, will exhibit behavioural issues related to experiences they had in childhood. For many, childhood is a fraught and difficult time and for some, this is accompanied by confusion, parental rejection or even violence and other related issues. These can cause serious problems in the adult.

Transsexuals themselves, along with their parents, friends and partners, need to be aware of the potential for issues like this and be prepared to deal with them. This is the first in a series that will examine the background to the problem and explore avenues of treatment.

For parents in particular, it is vital to realise that transsexual children (we are talking only about HSTS here) are incredibly fragile. The stress they are already under must not be added to.

     What are the indications that you, or your child, is HSTS?

                                                                                                                                                         - allabouthsts.com

First and foremost is a long history of GNC. It will have been remarked on at home and at school. You or your child, if male, were probably bullied for being ‘sissy’, hated contact sports, disliked rough-and tumble and preferred the company of girls. You liked to dress as a girl and to ‘be’ a girl in your relations with others. Your friends were all girls and you have girly secrets with them. You began having crushes on boys very early — as early as you remember. As you approached puberty, these feelings did not go away but crystallised instead. You began to have real sexual feelings for men.

If you saw a penis, you were fascinated by it. You thought about it all the time. You desired to be penetrated. You ached for it. Yet your own penis did not stimulate you and you may even have disliked it, especially if you knew that girls did not have them. You yearned for a man, with an agony that was unrequited. You might have had relationships, even sexual ones, with boys, but they left you hungering for more.

Once you were through puberty, this just got stronger. Performing as a boy in society was next to impossible for you, a torture. Your sexual desire — always powerful in adolescent boys — was now fixed on the idea of being penetrated, being the submissive partner. You might have thought you were a ‘gay boy’ and may have experimented sexually with ‘frotting’, fingering and even being penetrated, with other boys, perhaps transgender homosexuals like yourself or maybe straight boys who just wanted to have sex. But these encounters did not slake your thirst, even if you enjoyed them. You wanted a man, not a boy and especially not a ‘gay boy’ whom you recognised as being as much a girl as you were.

This understanding, that you were a girl, was strong and resilient. It was tough enough to stand up against parental and social intolerance, beatings, religious hatred and even, if you were unlucky enough to be exposed to them, the attentions of professional therapists whose intention was to make you conform to socially-accepted standards, to be a ‘gay boy’ and to stop being feminine. If you were really unlucky you might have been abused by ‘therapists’ who used testosterone injections to ‘man you up’ — an egregious cruelty which is nothing short of criminal abuse. But you survived all that and still knew that you were a girl.

As you got older, into your teens, your sexuality crystallised. As it did so, your gender followed suit and the Gender Dysphoria you felt, if you were not able to align these, became intense. You began to realise both what you were and that you had a limited time to make a final decision. The ‘gay scene’ held no attraction for you, you thought it an ugly, sex-obsessed meat market. You dreamed of a nice man who treated you well, a nice house and maybe even, if he already had kids, of being their stepmother.

                                                                          

  I personally relate nearly fully, as being what this writing portrays,since puberty-me

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  11/8/2019                 Highly Psychosexually feminine Eunuch

                  If I were to undergo the vulvoplasty surgery, thus then be physically fully Emasculated / Feminized male

                   and since I already feel 100%  psychologically sexually female roled, any further need to appear 

                  more female like other then how I appear in the following videos / photos, I have no desire for.


                                               " Other than wish I had female vulva appearance in reality "

For example; in past, if I got nude or at least got my pants off for a Man, that mean't he and had already talked about what type sex

 did he want. So if I dressed like in above photo for him, I knew he was going to penetrate me anally and ejaculate up in me, and if I was only was going to perform fellatio on him, I was normally fully clothed.

For myself ;   The Future of a Female roled eunuch, as part of a Family group ,a heterosexual male/female couple wishing to have children , would give the group a vast advantage.

     As they now have a person living with the couple, committed to same life long nurturing to all in the group, a economic advantage.

     Yet all three would have to be highly self-actualized persons,free from social and religious dogma or this type group would be               unlikely be successful.

                                                           So Adopt a ;

                                     "  Highly Psychosexually feminine Eunuch "

  

                                                   "My sexually role , because I am psychosexually much more like a female, 

                                                      is thus for myself having sex with a female is like being in a lesbian role.

                                or it seems Natural for me to be female like for a Man whom is only attracted females sexually,

                                       Thus I see myself to be some what Surrogate Female, strictly for sexually pleasuring him.

                                          Thus the total castration,removal of my penis/testicles,replace with female like vulva is;

          A role confirmation, showing a heterosexual male that I am 100% psychologically committed to and wish to only be in the;

                                                                                      " female role " sexually

                                                                         technically in a " prostitutional " type role

                        as from a realistic standpoint, I expect the Men I have sex with , to continue to have a wife / girlfriend.

        In a large part the Men are in away being  Altruistic, by giving me sexual attention, allowing me to perform fellatio on him, and           penetrating me anally, so I can feel female like sexually. For example; Many Men I routinely would perform fellatio on, often were

        reluctant to " penetrate me anally ", saying it was to much like being " gay ", so it often took quite a bit of convincing on my part,

        explaining " in my heart I only want to be like a Lady ", that I have no desire to be like a "Real Man" in his sexual role .



                                     Thus my life long desire to be Castrated, and be fully "emasculated" into a female sexual role

I have as long as I can recall from memory, always felt I should not have a penis, because I have always just wanted to act like a girl,

when having sex with men, and having a penis is like a false identity of myself in that sexually I don't feel like a man , nore never have wished to use my penis like a man does.

Thus when I get nude for a man, I obviously want to look as feminine as I can for him. I would think, just like most real females do wish to look feminine.

When I was 15 years old,

There was a book store where I could go, a young girl worked there, if she was running the cash register, I'd grab the latest issue of 

                                                                                              " Playgirl magazine "

                          I would try to buy every issue, til I finally was brave enough in 1998, when I met a Man and he took me as his

                                   Fem-male sexual partner,and routinely started "boning me ", thus was getting the Real thing.