MichaelEmeryArt

                     " I think in part , in a subconscious way, and in frame work of " For the Man whom has no voice ",

                   posing is a way to counter societies, lack of ability to separate nudity from sex, and thus hold Life drawing as Taboo. 

                                                                      Thus a form of freedom of expression

                          -The Desire to Pose nude- / notes 1 ;






          First off when I pose , " It is to Create a Pose " thus the Art I create is the Pose it's self, and what the pose conveys 
                                                   I love to create " Poses "  showing the nude body            
                                                        Thus the pose above conveys my nudity, my transfeminity, etc.

  A question I have asked myself " Am I a male model ?," the answer used to be Fem-male, now I like the term ;
  Transfeminine better. (If I did model for classes again ,I only would if I either had breast implants or could wear a top with ;           fake breasts

excerpt from Wikipedia (Model /art )

The Greeks, who had the naked body constantly before them in the exercises of the gymnasium, had far less need of professional models than the moderns; but it is scarcely likely that they could have attained the high level reached by their works without constant study from nature. It was probably in Ancient Greece that models were first used. The story told of Zeuxis by Valerius Maximus, who had five of the most beautiful virgins of the city of Crotone offered him as models for his picture of Helen, proves their occasional use. The remark of Eupompus, quoted by Pliny, who advised Lysippos, "Let nature be your model, not an artist", directing his attention to the crowd instead of to his own work, also suggests a use of models which the many portrait statues of Greek and Roman times show to have been not unknown.[41] The names of some of these models of the era are themselves known, such as the beautiful Phryne who modeled for many paintings and sculptures.

The nude virtually disappeared from Western art during the Middle Ages due to a combination of civil disorder and the attitude of the early Christians.[42] This changed with the Renaissance and the rediscovery of classical antiquity, when painters generally made use of their relatives and friends as models, of which many examples might be quoted from Venice, Florence, Rome and other places, and the stories of Titian and the duchess of Ferrara and of Botticelli and Simonetta Vespucci, go to show that ladies of exalted rank were sometimes not averse to having their charms immortalized by the painter's brush.[41] The story of the love between Raphael and his mistress-model Margarita Luti (La Fornarina) is "the archetypal artist-model relationship of Western tradition".[43]


Excerpt from above site ; (Nudity in art is professional, not sexual )

   "Studying the human form is an intellectual pursuit. Part of my offense regarding the figure studies policies here is that it perpetuates the over-sexualization of American culture."

 ( I from experience see as well American culture can't put nudity in the proper -context / content -as a whole, as though nudity is automatically sexual / taboo, which shows a degree of " under-developed " sense of reality, or pre-conceptions instilled by some moral teachings.Cause for myself,when I am posing, there is nothing in my mind sexual about my nudity, so it can only be the " beholder's view point, which in art class I think most Artist's hold my view point ...it is very much Non-sexual )

 Even, now doing my in the Woods poses,,it is very much non-sexual, sure I conveying my TransFemininity, yet in ; 
                                                                   form of " Identity "    context

I think indirectly ,I've hope by posing it brings to light the fact that not having to ability to separate nudity from sexual thought, is very much a sign of low psychological development,low maturity and almost a form of " mental retardation "

4/28/2019 

Since my role began in 1997, of becoming a Nude Artist's Model, first and foremost my objective has been to help artists practice sketching, drawing, studying the human form for art's sake alone.
  I believe I was drawn to the idea of Posing in a subconscious way, in that it is also a role in which is more Feminine, I was at a point in life , where to move ahead in my true identity of being a third-gender/transsexual variety, I soon found posing allowed me to express myself in a non-traditional male role, at least for myself I could be much more in a Female role, be accepted, not condemned for being much more Feminine.

 I believed the fashion in which I pose, the awareness by myself of myself ,has come slowly, yet by following " what feels right " , clearly has helped me honestly evolve , in being a better artist model, being more self-confident, develop much higher self-esteem, all of which I needed to have in place to to Face my gender identity issue. Then to face later my Alcoholism issue, if I had not had a develop " self-worth " to the degree I had, I truly do not believe I would have survived in winter of 2014 right before entering Alcohol Rehab, where I would remain until spring of 2016.

I do believe , the desire to Pose for classes as a male with comfirmation surgery (vaginoplasty or vulvoplasty, and breast implants) could be a very constructive endeavor, could help see that a human being can shape their own identity, be very different, yet very normal, non-destructive to society, that one can be a transsexual type, and not have it get turned into a " freak show ". 


For myself Life drawing classes should aways have models that reflect societies diversity of anatomical body shapes.sizes,etc.,etc.

 4/20/2019


-The Desire to Pose nude-
  - A Exploritory Progression the discover my Sexual Identity as a Female-Roled male -
  When I read entry in the classified Ads " Male and Female artist's models needed for Life Drawing classes,
  must be able to pose nude,18 years old " in 1997, my attention was gotten, and held, the thought that entered,
  my mind was " you should do this, it will good for you ",  really no other thoughts, no reasons, to questioning....
  " Just for some reason- This will be good for you, yet the " Idea of " , I can pose as a Female Does !, was  compelling, or attached it's self to my thoughts . Being able to be a male, pose nude so Artists could study  me,  and as they study Females too! , I could be nude, and people would not be offended by seeing my penis, seeing, 
  I am in the Body of a Man !
 
 
  My first class, the introduction to getting nude for a group of humans, in order for them to study me nude.
  I was very nervous indeed, my knees shaking as I stepped up on the posing stage, maybe like one feels right  before jumping out of a airplane, and in hopes will survive !, Dis-robing , and suddenly just being nude,
  I found not terrible, least I could say " I did it " and still standing! Now though I must pose!, for myself,
  I had always loved the beauty of Ladies posing, so seeing images of Ladies in different poses, entered my
  mind, thus I could pose as them! And it felt good to Pose as the " Ladies in my mind ".

 

  - Shaving my smooth to appear more Lady-Like and less primitive-
  This where things started getting complex, as I was feeling needs to present myself much more "Feminine"
  like, yet did know exactly why, I knew I was sexually confused, yet my sex life was conventional, with females
  and seemed ok, I really had done so well to repress my past " lust for dreaming of a man taking me sexually
  like a female", it wasn't computing, Yet the poses I was doing were based on female images in my mind, I wasn't
  thinking in any erotic way as far as my posing for classes, I truly was thinking ;
  " how can I present my self best for the Artists / students, so they can practice drawing ? "
  Shaving around my penis, I rationalized as being " utility ", they could not be blinded by all this " Hair ",
  only after I had shaved completely smooth, did I realize I liked being this way so much better, never again do
  I want to look " Manly ", And from that point on ,til now, I keep myself cleanly shaved.


 - Posing put me in a " environment " to be seen ways un-intended-
  I honestly was posing, at least in my Conscience mind, for the purpose of being part of the Artistic process
  , I loved to draw myself, when I wasn't posing myself, I could go to classes free in order to draw ther other  models, which I took advantage of as often as could. Yet I found myself, being " Hit " on by men, wanting me  sexually, I wasn't offended, yet wasn't attracted to any of them, until a sexy black man showed interest in me
  , and the way he did " seeing me in a very defined " me as feminine,me in a Lady-like role for him ".
  Very,very quickly, and so naturally, as natural as the " The need to Breed is ",  I wanted to be Lady-like for him
  I so much, to feel his penis in my body , and his climax too.  I had to see him!
  - Taken as a Lady by a Real Man-
  Once My new Friend was taking me sexually as a Lady, I knew I could never again be in the;
  " Man role sexually", ever,ever again!
  Having my new friend's penis up in me as he Climaxed is by far the greatest ;
  " most real and natural psychological/ emotion pleasure I know"

  I knew I was being " homosexual " yet that term didn't fit the way I felt, it seemed far beyond that!, my new  friend, proclaimed he was straight, normally dated females, yet he liked me to suck his cock and liked it alot  that he could climax in my mouth for me to swallow, and loved how I seemed so feminine like when he was  " boning me and climaxing up inside my bottom"..he very often said I should of been a female, at least sexual.

  - Knowing I wanted " bred " like I am a female -
  My new friend was very clear about his relationship with me had to be a sexual friendship, which I
  understood , yet honestly desired more, and being as it was, I accepted it, hanging out with him , the attention
  he could give me I was thankful for. He very much knew how much , number one I loved getting " Boned ",  number two he couldn't fulfill the " How often part ", Thus one day a friend stopped by his place while I  there and after my friend and I had boned, and where dressed , and chatting. I was introduced , we all talked  a bit, the friend soon was departing to go run errands etc. Now alone with my lover, I said him ;  " your friend is very sexy, does he have a nice big black cock too! ?" , my lovers reply was;
  " matter of fact, yes quite big ", sheeply like I said " you think he might like to bone me ?"
  " I will call him right now " in moments my lover was talking to his friend, then turned to me, asking me
  " is right now ok ?",  I stutter,stammered the said " yes ", in less then 15 minutes ,the sexy black man I was just  introduced to,  was back, this time standing in front me of taking his pants of, and then walking to me with a  very erect, large cock, nothing was said , I kissed, licked his cock head. took the tube of ky-jelly , lubed him  up, handed him the tube, I then got down on my hands and knees, and offered him my bottm, he took the lead,  rubbed ky, around my bottom, then soon began pushing his lubed cock in me, soon he was in a good firm
  " Thrusting cycle " and had me rocking back and forth, I better much knew this was going be quick, in maybe  a minute he was moaning out loud " I cumming",  I  wiggled about with pleasre as his sperm flowed into me .

- In class I often ,over heard the artists  say " Michael poses in a more female fashion "
  I liked it sercetly, if I over heard in class, the artists expressing that I posed in a much more feminine style
  , thinking to myself ,if they only knew, there are other things I liked to do alot , in " Female style ".
  I many times thought it would be great posing for them with one of my Man friends ,as he " boned me ", even  wearing my thigh highs and garter, padded bra, and flower in my hair. So great that would be to reveal to  them my true self, Thus I feel " Posing " was a way I was attempting sub-consciously to reveal my true self.
  I do think that the female Art Students in my College classes felt I was some form, of variation  homosexual/effeminate due to how they accepted me in neutral / non-sexual way, for example, I by chance  on a break, in class, I was walking around robed, looking at the students sketchs of me, and a few of the  girls where discussing a previous drawing class, in which there had been a what they referred to a "hunk"  of a guy modeling, as I had invaded their conversation, I playfully asked ; " What you's mean by he was a  - Hunk ", I could tell I caught them of guard, in the way as a group they seeked for a answer a reply, one  replies , " oh you know masculine, a GQ, knight in shining armour type, really sexy ", I jokingly replied " I see,  I'm not a masculine kinda guy ? ",  They all together joined in instantly empathticly, " Oh don't take offense  your our favorite model, your the best at posing we just do see you like him, like some one we might date,  one girl added, your like one of us, we feel comfortable around you just as a person". It made me feel  good yet, I felt they felt they may of offended me . I smiled and replied " thanks, and no offense taken ".

  - The Beauty of being a Artist's Model and Knowing there are not Many of you -
  From my research, in America University / Colleges at least  " Life Drawing classes with the male fully  nude model " is a fairly new thing, then allowing female artists to be in classes as well !, so not alot of  history to compare to. You might say, I was a professional model due to the Amount of modeling I was  doing, to the degree commitment to it, how I studied the poses and my great desire to be a nude model.  I have read that transsexuals comprise less then 1% of the population, how many nude artist models does  the average person know ?, how many transsexual type people does the average person know ?, and I am  both wrapped up in One .
  - Modeling gave me the self-esteem / courage in-directly to accept myself -
  I think accepting the fact that I didnt want to be like a " Man " , in Body, Mind and Spirit, I so much more  have felt so much more need , want, should be feeling, that being " Female like " is how I needed to be.  I believe, at least looking back at my history, I have known that " my role was to be in the female role for  a Man " as a partner, as a Man's Fem-male wife.  Yet being a Man's Fem-male wife in Society !!!, how crazy!
  to desire to not have a penis, and have a female like vagina instead, for my own self identity, as well as for  my Man , that was really crazy less then 20 years, at least today, a person has that option if lucky, the  surgery is at least more common and more doctors trained to perform it. I do know if I was 30 years old  again I would be 100% sure, that I would be getting a Vaginoplasty (funtioning vagina), and breast  implants, as I greatly desire to now, yet age is a big road block now. So modeling help me find out, that I  was truly a Female roled male, a transsexual type person.

- Modeling helped me take a long hard look at my " Body Image dilemma thing " -
  A Paradox for myself was " I am modeling for Life Drawing classes as a Male model, yet in my mind I  desired to be as Mininumaly Male, as Effeminate as I could be, in no way did I wish to appear masculine,  sexy, sexualy desirable. The Penis thing always presented it's self in my mind, the wishing not to even have  a penis, verse great desire to appear female like instead, the Paradox then would be; 
  " am I a male model ? "  if I didnt have a Penis ?
  I very much felt having a penis was offensive "on me", didn't fit me, for example , early on in my modeling  career, I had transferred to my Fem-male role and was very sexually active with Men in that role, and  my idea was " A Penis very much belongs on them, not on me! " When I was with a Real Man, I very much did  not want to have a penis, and very much wanted a man to see me female like. Over and Over I would tell  my male lovers, I am might you would call a " want to be male to female type transsexual ", that I wish I  had a female like vagina so the could " bone me like a real Lady ",that my idea of a She-male type for me is ;
  Clothed I just would appear as I do as a male, yet when nude before them I would have a vagina, and small  female like breasts , "my Ideal Self",  at least my body would fit my psychology. Even if I had a vulvoplasty  (non-funtional vagina,can't be penetrated), would be great for me, as being "penetrated" the event of it
  the psychological meaning (my self as female) is where my great pleasure arrives, the physical act is  secondry, sure being penetrated in my bottom is physically pleasurable, yet nothing compared to the  mental pleasure, for example the Idea of myself laying on the bed,looking at myself,seeing a vagina on  myself, having my  man crawling on me, he is erect ready to bone me, and knowing I have a A Vagina!, ......
  - he can penetrate my body and ejaculate in -, My great Desire !
 
  I do know I don't want a man to touch my penis, have any desire for it ! , when I am with a man sexually, my  penis instantly goes tiny and limp, though it leaks pre-cum in vast amounts, getting me very wet, once he  has penetrated me, starts thrusting, very tiny I get, and very,very un-male I feel, even if I do ejaculate, I  am always tiny and limp, never have I ever been erect while getting penetrated by a man.


  - Modeling doing it, taking a long hard look at " Stereo-typing " from a different perspective -
  Being titled, presented as a " Male Model ", made me ask what is the " Model of a Male ", a human being  that has a Penis ?, so Anatomically speaking I am very much male, what else makes me male ? or male like?
  I mean people are paying me to pose nude, and be a Male at it, yet in a round about way, it took me looking  at " Hermaphroditus " which modern stereo-typed " She-males" seem similar to - A man , with long hair,  trying to pass female fascial, breasts, and a penis - , Yet I myself , if I didn't have a penis, instead a vagina  and breasts, yet looked very much male fascially, and no desire to change my face , why am I not she-  male , or half man,half female appearing? This is go revealing of how we as human being have to create a  Symbol of, a Seal of Certainty to most everything. Why Attention to Details, big-picture perspective is  so important, For example if I tell someone I am a Transsexual, what image comes into their mind ? , is  it  better I say " I am a man , yet I want a Vagina, so my boyfriend can penetrate me like lady, and I feel I  should be much more female , very much don't want a penis on me, yet very much want want a real penis in  me, so I can feel female like. This is very complex, yet shows how , Superficiality, to Assuming,.....................  " took for granted" approach to life. I do think to be a great Artist, one assumes very little, can not  stereo-type, and be able to see the "Essense of Subject ", I believe Assuming and Stereo-typing, show  lack of Attention, as well as a high degree of Apathy. 

I often wish I had had the Vaginoplasty surgery done, while posing alot, as was known then as a  dependable trusted model, and maybe then I could of easily transitioned into modeling as a transsexual  person, discribing myself as a "Female roled male, anatomically sexually female " which now I can say  I know I am psychologically 100% female both sexually and non-sexual, and pretty sure have been all my  life, from the stand-point , that all my life- I wanted not to be male -, wanted to do what the girls are  doing, and a defined thought through out life,  as far back as can recall, in a very symbolic way, is ..........
  - Breast feeding - , if I seen a female breast feeding in a picture, in person, I wished so much I could  breast feed a child as they where doing, still do.
  Ever since first getting penetrated by a male in my bottom, if I really like them , I often playfully tell
  them " I wish I could have your baby ", and if I really like a man , I will bug him to death trying to get him to
  ejaculate in my bottom.


- Would I even be allowed to model as " Male with Breasts and a Vagina- without a Penis - ?
  A question that I have asked myself often, would simply be un-acceptable for most College life-drawing  classes in 1999, or now 20 years later ?.
  By the time 2000 rolled around, I had been with a enough men sexually, that I knew for sure I wanted the  Vaginoplasty surgery,Due to fact  that it was bothering me alot ,that I couldn't present myself to a Man in  a the  Female fashion I desired,bother me greatly, I wanted to show them that though I looked male on the  outside, I very,very much  felt female like on the inside, and when I undressed for them , I wanted them  to see that I am 100% female sexually, and wanted to be treated as though I were " A Lady " If I explained to  them that I am a Transsexual type, that getting the surgery was difficult at best, and I was looking into  getting the surgery , at least they knew my role was 100% female, they understood, and empathtic to my  dilemma, as most where, Yet would a College/ teaching environment be, if I explained that getting the  surgery is very much a identity need, as well as practical in the frame work of ; Finding a partner and  being in the most defined role possible with that partner, and over coming the high degree of Cognitive -  dissonance of not having the anatomical genitals which fits your sexual identity, only being able to be  penetrated anally, which to some is opposed to their religious beliefs

A big Reason I have been doing the Third-gender / transsexual type Poses, is because I believe many transsexual peoples like myself can't afford to pay for the surgeries required to " Pass " as female, or like myself are content being very Female like, yet do not feel need to be called " Female " , and in my case being called Fem-male,berdache,third-gender is fine.

 So. if I could save up and get a vulvoplasty, verse a vaginoplasty, at least I have a option to work for, a possible way to fulfil my desire not to have a penis, so I could feel much more Female like. Gives one optional ways of dealing with the Dilemma

                                                                          - A n d , I get to be in Woods -
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How do we determine someone's gender? Is what we assume we see the same as what we actually see? Shoulder-to-shoulder, my medically and hormonally altered transgender body dresses and undresses simultaneously revealing the assumptions we all hold around bodies, gender, and manhood. What Makes a Man, asserts the visible/invisible transgender body as merely a surface for the projection of our own subjectivity.

The above video shows my way of thinking in terms of " my gender " , in that it is not important to me to pass as female, because I am " not female ", don't wish to pretend to be, yet psychologically I am much more female roled, I want to be in the traditional female role sexually, thus my strong desire to have a female like vagina, and maybe more so, desire to not have a penis, thus whether my sexual partner is male or female, it is very clear, that by not having a penis, I can not perform sexually as a male. and I want to perform sexually as if I where a female, this has been my desire since at least age 13, my first contact as truly being in the female role.Believe me, I tried being a traditional male, in the man's role sexually, yet it doesn't work, simply because I need to be penetrated by a man, as though I am a female. my role

I think there is way to much Assuming going on that being trangender or transsexual means you need to outwardly appear like your " roled " gender!

Comparing

I do know one great Truth of Life is - " We can't always have what we Desire ", yet we can learn of maybe why we desire what we desire, make sense of it, and Imagine it. After over 20 years of recording myself posing nude , I very much know I greatly desire the view of myself portrayed on the right, much over that on the left.  Just so much better fits my emotional self , my sexual identity .