MichaelEmeryArt

The "Indigo" Club -sexual content

If one reads about ; Earl Lind. As a child, Lind asked others to call her by Jennie instead of Earl, Lind realized at a young age that she was an androgyne looking to change from male to female.[3] At the time, the term transgender was not prevalent; instead words such as "androgyne", "invert", and "fairie" were used. She struggled throughout her life up to her late twenties with her extreme desire to perform fellatio, claiming to have partaken in over sixteen hundred sexual encounters in the span of a dozen years.[4]

I have read Autobiography of an Androgyne and Jennie June's (Earl Lind ) was much like mine except mine has been extreme desire to be penetrated anally and be ejaculated in (bred me), though I do like to perform " fellatio " as well, prefer penetrated anally.

I was only sexually active as a "Transfeminine / fem-male " about 6 years any had many hundreds of encounters.

The " Indigo group / club " , after starting to conceive the idea of, soon could be seen as a real solution for myself, as a way to be "bred " by many men safely and often, and at same time pleasuring them.


I began studying as much about the " berdache ways ", and found I fit the profile to a Tee ! for example the following excerpt explains ;

"These berdaches played a significant social role. Dressed as women, they tended to spend their time in the company of women's work teams, performing domestic labor, weaving, beading, or whatever pertained to women in that particular social world. Because they were taller and stronger than women, they seem at times to have led these women's associations and, for the same reasons of physical strength, they were regularly sought out by men to be their wives. Indeed there is some evidence here and in other venues to be described later that boys who were especially pretty were raised as berdaches because that beauty attracted future "husbands." (15) Perhaps equally important is the evidence that in certain Latin American venues, berdaches served a communal purpose, for instance, as sex servants for young braves who would otherwise violate the marriageable girls of the community. All in all, the berdaches in these early settings served demographic, prostitutional, and economic functions that maintained hierarchy."

By 2000, I in essense had a group / tribe of men I sexually pleasured routinely and often as they desired. Working full time as a carpenter made it difficult to see them except for quick encounters in morning or lunch (most often by way of fellatio), and if had energy after work , get home shower,get my bottom clean, I could see men and get " bred " anally.

So, it wasn't to un-common yet not routine , to see 15-20 men during week, and 20 on week end especially if got "gang-banged "

I found as long as I could keep my bottom clean, and lubed, I could just keep getting " boned " all day except to drink, get bite to eat,have a smoke, and douche my bottom to stay clean.

My Idea in the Indigo Club was that all the Men (donors) be cis-gender / Str8 professional black males and married with consenting wives- All D/D free,safe,well groomed /clean etc. Some medical professionals, such as psychologists, Neurologists, and would be testing myself in different ways , such as;

Microchimerism as in Microchimerism: Can Women Retain DNA from Male Sexual Partners?, Thus if female can,               can I as a Transfeminine person, retain DNA from the men whom ejaculate up in my bottom ?

  What are the psychological effects on the Wives, having their husbands penetrate a Transfeminine / fem-male anally                    and then ejaculate in them (bred them) etc.

 The After Orgasm psycholocially aspect of the Refractory period , why is my psycholocially refractory period so much different when I am in the passive role , being bred by a man, and I do climax, which always limp, never erect when I ejaculate while his penis is up in my bottom ?, and after I do climax I have no loss of interest, more sensitive, yet still want not to stop, or have another man be in me say when I am with more the one man at a time. For example ; even if I happen to be erect prior to being penetrated, as soon as he penetrates me my penis goes limp,small, and begins to leak large amounts of pre-cum lube, 



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              In Ancient Koine Greek  I would of been seen as a kinaidos or cinaedus

 In ancient Koine Greek, the word for effeminate is κίναιδος kinaidos (cinaedus in its Latinized form), or μαλακοί malakoi : a man "whose most salient feature was a supposedly "feminine" love of being sexually penetrated by other men." "A cinaedus is a man who cross-dresses or flirts like a girl.- The first real account I can find a the " Transgender type like myself "

The constrast between hoplite and kinaidos is a contrast between a manly male and womanly male…” (Winkler 1989, 50). Wrinkler defines a hoplite as a citizen, soldier, and someone willing to protect their homes, while a kinaidos is a man who is focused on his own pleasure and is more effeminate.- I totaliy disagree that things are this "clear cut "

"The cinaedus was frequently mentioned in classical sources due to his brazen effeminacy, untoward sexual behavior (most often a "shocking" desire to be anally penetrated by other men), and the ambiguous status of his genitalia.

For my self- ambiguous, would means " my penis doesn't represent being sexually roled as "Man",                                                                   as I very much only wish to sexually roled as "Female "

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 After becoming involved with the "The Last Man Standing parties", the experience of, could be realistic for a " Indigo club " type entity for a Fem-male like myself.



"The Last Man Standing parties"
  ( I seen these parties as more of a " Ritual " for the men )
  ♥  In 2000, I met a friend of friend whom was routinely boning me,any way this new friend had never boned a male,so after we all talked a bit, and I personally felt ok about it, I let them double team me,(my new friend wore condom).
  ♥  After they had both ejaculated, we sat around talking and "newfriend" whom was from the Chicago area mentioned these "parties" he and group of friends (50-60 straight men,married,white,black,any race ) would have, They called them "Last Man Standing parties", they'd  have them at one of the guy's homes in rural area, a estate, big house ,pool and in wooded setting distant from neighbors,  They'd  have maybe 20 beautiful strippers that they hired.  (everybodies nude)

  Everybody had to have been Tested and safe free from HIV all STD's, Once I attended to parties, I had to after that point ;

  " No longer see any body sexually other then the males of the group"  

    note( The men did not see the girls privately ,like me where they could have me without a                          condom, and ejaculate in me, matter of fact it was a kinda a un-written rule, that the men                  could have me sexually anytime they needed / wanted and for me to  take their                                  semen orally or anally.( for example; if a man from group was flying in to my city's airport, and he called ahead                          telling me to meet him, I needed too!),,Which of course Always was happy too!, just time,schedules always a issue.

 (more details toward bottom of page)

                  One reason I thought  ,Have the " club " near airport I could live at the "club" work doing my carpentry, there ,have rooms                     for the men, so could stay there instead of hotel,,plus my silly thought is they'd be with me more, so could "bone" me more



                  My first ,favorite still is " Terrace " idea though!...…..which I adore Jodi,William and I,  very good for all yet especially                       adapting for a Fem-male like me, who needs " Boned " daily...or at least wants to be as often as possible !



7/19/2019

Another issue for myself ; I was (still am)very Selective in my mate selection, for example ;

                                              It is very rare for me to actual see,meet a Man I am Attracted to !


                                             Which I'm sure is case with many Transgender people like myself


        " I do  know it can't really happen, Yet, I have a very high psychological want / desire to be "bred" as though I am female "


                 For example ; Say I'm giving a man a blow-job,hand-job..if he tells me he's ready to ejaculate,,I do all I can do,to get his                                                 penis up in my bottom, so I can get his semen in me...especially if I really like him.

                                                         I often would tell him " I wish I could have your baby "

     Many a men I have given hand-jobs to, and because I didn't feel clean enough(anally) wasn't ready for them to bone me,I still                                   might just get their cock head popped into my bottom so they could squirt their sperm in me.


                            My goal for having sex with men, has never been for physical pleasure, it is to get him to bred me

                           Though,silly I know, it's like some how I am similar to females very much in the regards to mating.

                                     And I have always told the men, I have a man's body,yet I am very much female at heart.

                                                                               " So F""k me like a Lady"


                                                Believe me, since at least puberty that urge has remained the Same !

                                                            Let Science figure that One out ?

        Then I've had people say to me " you choose to be Transgender ! "

        My reply " Why in the hell, would anyone Want to be like me in this Society! "



                                                   Do transgender women ever wish they could get pregnant?

                                                                    Seems I am not alone, some do.

Upon reading about my idea of the" Indigo Club ", it may help understand why I came to think of the Idea while in Alcohol recovery for two years figuring out why I could not beat this addiction , Writing this , along with Terrace, greatly helped me come to terms with my self being Female roled male / transsexual type person a role fairly well condemned by society, thus making it very difficult to find a mate, a Straight male, willing to partner with a male like myself, a very,very Female roled / Feminine male like myself that loves cock in me !, So the Indigo club idea came to my mind as a solution. As a Society ,which is quick to Condemn, is very slow at finding Solutions, unless they approve, or it is profitable it seems.

I see now, I was creating a "tribe" for myself to be apart of in the "berdache type role" in real-life, soon after getting "gang-banged" at a party by group of young black guys, which was by all means my want/wish, and then continuing to see most of them individually for sometime,talking to them,asking them questions like "why do you like seeing me", " what aspect of having sex with me do you like best",etc. the answers ranged from, "just curious", to " my girlfriend doesn't like to perform fellatio or doesn't like anally boned" and You do!.and you act like a lady or your a Fem, I loved the "and you act like a lady or your a Fem", yet at same time I didn't like the fact that those that had girlfriends where hiding it from her, I started just telling them "ask her if she wants to watch,it ok with me" Soon, some of the girlfriend would watch.

believe it or not ,once they seen their boyfriend with me, a common reply of the ladies to me was something to the effect                     " Michael your no threat,you just love black cock ,least I know he ain't cheating on me "

        I liked it, for several reasons 1- we didn't have to be dishonest      2 - I loved having the company of the ladies,having them see me in my role.

                                    They didn't see or take it as "Cheating" just more like getting a massage !

excerpt from "Why Men Use Porn (and How to Get Yours to Stop)"

Dear 4spirit,

You might not like what I am going to say, but please hear me out. For women, verbally venting their frustrations is a great stress reliever. No one knows why; it just is. Well, for men, an orgasm is a great stress reliever (not to say that that isn't also the case for women). No one knows why; it just is (Actually in an upcoming Usable Insight, you will discover that there is a reason why these work, based on recent findings in neuroscience).

There are two kinds of sex -- sex with love and sex just for sex's sake. Many husbands feel guilty about having sex just for sex's sake with their wives, because they feel like they are using her as a thing (as opposed to making love to the person they care about). So instead of using their wives as things, many men use pornography and masturbation (and often feel ashamed or even pathetic for doing so - one man in a couple's session when confronted yelled in embarrassment, "Meet Hilda!" and pointed to his right hand). I'm not advocating it or saying it's a wonderful practice, I'm just saying it's fairly common and not always unhealthy. Pornography and masturbation (in moderation) have probably saved more marriages than they have hurt. I think it's pretty sad, but it's just a fact of modern life. The trick of course is to do it in moderation rather than letting it become a full time substitution for real sex.

I think the Idea for the " Indigo " developed in my mind, due to fact, I love getting the sexual attention from so many men putting me in my role a Fem-male, yet, the way I was going about it was very tiring, un-safe in some degrees.

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           Any way through the above experinces I conceived the "Idea" of Indigo Club "

the "Indigo Club",
which is a group of highly educated black straight men (Donors),"..the number of "Donors" is 50,same for Recipients-10.The goal,,is that the Donors impregnate each Recipient no less then once every two weeks,yet can as often as wishs if feasible,for example in the story ..Michael starts his day out 7 days a week-5am to11am,,going to the Indigo club,,there is a private room..more like small apartment,,he can read,,etc..while he waits for a Donor..(which is always soon)..due to the fact the Donor must impregnate all 50 Recipients in two weeks,at least once.Yet is stressed to impregnate as much as possible(they all have a equal vested interest in the research) So in all reality Michael finds the demand for at least himself is enough so that if he can get impregnated at least 5 times every morning,he has been with all 50 Donors. However if a Donor has for some reason not,impregnated him,,there must be a time set-up to allow them to meet ,,if example on agreement with Michael and 10 Donors on a weekend to group impregnate Michael(everybody in same room same time) ,,which is routine as all 50 Donors know each other, Recipients ,do not know each other!...threesome are often in morning due to fact two Donors work together,golf etc. Also the Donors can be with the Recipients as often as wishs with the Recipients consent(note?There is no need for bondage,s/m type acts,,and is seen as "primordial")by all ,also all Donors must be married with female wives,whom have given full consent.A issue that arises is friendships form,and all the Donors are very healthly,active men..thus many wish to see Michael more then once every two weeks,thus Michael finds time is a issue,as far as seeing all the Donors,,he loves to be "impregnated",he loves the feeling of satisfying them sexual..he likes them all,some more then others due to....." Form"....1.physical reasons(looks,cock size,to Michael,bigger the better.their skill at love-making,their mount time,,(mount time describes the time the Donor is able to thrust in and out of his bottom prior to ejaculation) and Amount- Average ejaculation volume ranges from 2 to 6 ml, according to most medical sources. Higher volumes have been reported and are considered normal, but consistently higher volumes are considered a disease called hyperspermia, which may bring about many complications including sterility. These are the medical facts. On the other hand, in this pages I've read of someone claming his record ejaculation volume was as high as 13 ml, etc)........................2. and emotional reasons(interests,repore..etc,)note; this is factual for myself personally as far as..Form,1 and 2..in reality when I perform-" FELLATIO "I am able to deep-throat 10" (learning on Aren) as well as anally.just my flavor you might say.Anyway-"Terrace" is a Myth,,,like all fables,fiction,etc.
In Reality I do believe a True "Indigo Group" could be formed, it could be 20 and 3, 30 and 6 etc.I only used 50 in story(50 Donors know each other 10 -Recipients from my own actual experience, of being Gang-Banged (my wordpress site), all one has to do is be Open-minded to see how it could work, note: in my Scenario,the Recipients are Fem-male,they have to be single or envolved only with a member of the group (partnered with),all Recipients and Donors know each other and spouses,girl friends(of Donors),no imformation leaves the group,(why I chose 50 as well,after that number,it would be tougher to remain tribe like),the Recipients would get breed by each Donor at least once every two weeks(50 times min.),that would be a realistic.Example, between 1997, during the week it was common that, nearly every day I at least performed "fellatio" on one guy,often ,few evening I would have 2 or 3(together) breed me.very common if counting how many times "I received a climax"both anally and orally,for it to be 15 times.
Weekends,I might see half a dozen different groups of guys (in a hour 6 guys could breed me easily,then I would leave.),it wasn't uncommon to receive 30 or 40 climax's as often guys would climax several times.most often I had a guy orally,and another anally at same moment.

The Indigo club wouldn't be 

Writing the Story "Terrace" in alcohol rehab. (was there 2 years), gave me time to come to terms with; myself being Androgynous/ Fem-male,similar to the "Berdache",as far a sexually,"


I do believe now a for sure in "Terrace " ,,I will have Michael undergoing the steps of preparing for and going through the surgery of  ;  Male to Female Sex Reassignment Surgery- Vaginoplasty only in order to be Eunuch like.( unlike myself now, in story he is mid-30's,Jodi has the financial ability,knows he wishs it,so offers to cover the cost) Michael accepts and has surgery. Michael continues at Indigo club ,simply now he can be anally or vaginal  "impregnated"  In real life, if I was 30's or 40's, I know for sure I would some how find a way to get a Vaginoplasty.


By realizing at the time writing the outline "indigo club",first,,then doing research on "men whom wish female role sexually", I soon discovered the term "berdache", and it was like "I have finally discovered "Me" ,especially after reading this "available as sexual partners during hunts and in war parties ", being similar in content and context ,with easily adapting to getting "party f""ked",and feeling it my role in some way.


And the fact if there where such a place as the Indigo club, I would love to be a "Recipient"



One has to understand the cultural aspect the "berdache" was playing. yet due to Western thought on sexual matters,the secret nature of sex in general, Thus not embracing Humanity as humans, as the American Natives very much did, in essense we have created our own distorted reality, I invite anyone to research theirs ways,just on preparing youth for adulthood. Imagine now I reading about a culture Albert Ens


The Berdache, had roles, as each identity of a culture has (read lyric's for Rush's closer to the heart)

-"Traditional berdaches were also available as sexual partners during hunts and in war parties (102). This was yet another reason why they were welcomed on these excursions.


another reason I conceived the "Indigo club" is due to the Fact of ; Humanity in essense stalled out,standing still by not accepting "Humanity as Humanity is, as we watch religions now begin to crumble,and the morals conceived by them, the Leaders of these religions ask "Why and what is happening?",unable to look at their own teachings,unable to gracefully adapt to "reality"..


----------------------------------------We keep doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results !---------------------------------------


  For myself a place like the Indigo Club /Group  would have been much safer,saved much driving, I would seeing many men (say 50 like scenario above), in my case all black, professional men,heterosexual and married, all of them as well as myself drug-free, STD-free. They would know they had a safe place to go daily to get either a blow-job, or could "Bone" a Fem-male like me or one of the other Fem-males whom was a  Recipient . I'd love to get "Boned" at least daily again, and all day long on a saturday/sunday as many times as possible again. I love the idea of having 50 guys whom regularly bone me.


Autobiography of an Androgyne

by Lind, Earl →Jennie June

I was a lot like this, he performed fellatio, verse myself very much wishing to have the male mount me anally, bone me as long as he could, until he climaxed up inside my bottom, I very much wanted him to treat me like a lady, talk to me in that fashion, make me feel like a lady.

From my experience; Once I began seeing men in my role as a "Feminine male", I soon realized my main "objective" was to get a man's cock in my bottom, and it was very very important he didn't wear a condom, as I wanted him to ejaculate inside me.Thus a very dangerous time, I wanted as many men as I could find to do this, and believe me it was a crazy mission!

  So the Indigo club offers a safe way to do this,all with consent, Even studies, in my writing it goes on to have studies being done by Psychologist, psychotherapist  etc. studies on "Microchimerism"

                                      "Is Microchimerism happening in male to male exchange?"

For myself in my real-life role as "Androgyny,berdache,fem-male etc", it's hard to explain, yet I had ,and still have a over-whelming desire for the guys to ejaculate in my bottom.

The Indigo club could be a very safe means for those with"Gender dysphoria", a very dangerous / vulnerable  time for anyone trying to find their "Identity"(the suicide rate is very high  amongst transgender / queergender people)

    Addiction is likely,drug use etc,

For myself it was like playing "Russian roulette", so much unprotected sex, and at that time getting hiv tested was taboo,so difficult to get,,,for example I would go to "county health dept. to be tested,however soon after being tested after 3 times,they told me "Michael you can't come here every time you change sex partners, and refused to test me"

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Similarity to What human evolution had already had developed through out History.


In the past "My experience" , one to understand at times the "gang-bang"("get togethers"), was at a individuals home, where the guys could take me to room where they could privately be with me, and some "get togethers", where as this strictly, many factors dictated the Context /Content of the "get togethers", for example it might be "Ritual like", "When a guy turned 18,whom was with a friend of a guy whom I was already having sex with came into this group, he was expected to mount and bone me, for all to see!,,,It took me a long time to realize what was happening was as though a part of our Anicent past, rites of sexuality for the male, and I could see it to be a very Innate part, there was nothing vulgar,it was very beautiful to see be apart of.


---------------Believe me,if one can set judgement aside, I was clearly seeing how humanity evolved in one aspect,too thrive into; --------

                                                              "a peaceful social content/context"


        One aspect I knew I was very safe; as each member of this group knew the "Rules" (clean,non-vulgar etc) or they wouldn't be              here

         This being the case all looked out for me,each learned from each other

          I must say I prefer the open verse going to private room environment, yet some are shy,etc.

          I could see them learning to "get along", in a area(being Human) that society has "put in closet", has on it's own accord-

           (society)- has deemed "Lets send or youth into a world un-trained in one of the most vital,"consequential" aspects of being

            Human "they will learn on their own, idea"

          So what has occurred due to our thinking, our misunderstanding of what the truth to being human, ;

                                             "many unwanted babies"

          Often one of the guys with a girl friend or wives would ask if they could watch him and I, or talk to me about what we did, or 

            the maybe the Art of anal sex, how I kept clean, as Form or birth control.


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Just try to Find good imformation on a Safe studied method on the Art of anal sex; very little is known, because the 

Moral aspect of it, it's being assumed dirty/vulgar etc.

       Yet since 1997 ,for myself it is "My way of being in my Female role", it is how I take a man in me/ and have women with;                       strap- on to treat me like a Lady.

       Sure it takes more effort (getting my bottom clean and diet), yet once clean,it is as clean as any sex.


for example; Just the methods of keeping clean,could be studied followed etc in a Indigo club setting

I think I originally thought of the " Indigo Club "with desire to be be gang-banged again,due to a bunch of cock fast and so much attention getting paid to you (and I still wish) yet knowing the way of the past was gone,for me at least, I had grown so selective in mate selection, just the extreme difficulity of meeting a man that is straight,black.self-actualized and married. 

              from my personal experinces most the guys I seen where either married or had girl-friends, many wanted their partner to at                 least know of me/ if not meet me.Thus they where in a state of Cognitive Dissonance; not wanting to be seen as cheating, yet liking to be sexually relieved by me, either by Fellatio(me sucking them til ejaculation and me swallowing)..for me to swallow their climax was a big deal, something they said their wife/girl-friend didn't do. Same with anal sex.


              So the Psychological aspect of this Androgyny/Straight male/wife-girlfriend interaction caused me great interest.  


               Could the Ladies see this in the context similar to ; Their man,is simply getting a form of a massage performed by a very                       Feminine Androgynous male,where their man's masculinity would not be threatened?


               From a realistic , point of view, it is conceivable , I would very much do what Michael does in the story ;

                    (Michael starts his day out 7 days a week-5am to11am,,going to the Indigo club,,there is a private room..more like small apartment,,he can read,,etc..while he waits for a Donor..(which is always soon)..due to the fact the Donor must impregnate all 50 Recipients in two weeks,at least once.Yet is stressed to impregnate as much as possible(they all have a equal vested interest in the research) So in all reality Michael finds the demand for at least himself is enough so that if he can get impregnated at least 5 times every morning). in reality even today 5am to 11am is 6 hours, if I go "boned" non stop, except for 10-15 minute break every hour,thats what I'd like..I simply love cock in me!,,feeling ain't change since 2005. just learned to live with it much better.

reviews of ; "How Sex Changed" by Joanne Meyerowitz


                    "Gender is a fundamental part of human identity, yet for some people the question, ‘Male or female?’ is not easily answered. These individuals feel they are trapped in the wrong body. Their history, and especially their efforts to change their bodies through surgical and medical interventions, is the subject of this new book by Joanne Meyerowitz… This is a scientific work, but Meyerowitz keeps the very human side of the issue front and center throughout.Psychology Today


[A] fascinating account of how transsexuality has challenged American concepts of sex, gender, and sexuality in science, medicine, law, and popular culture in the 20th century… With her sympathetic reporting on the lives of individual men and women coming to terms with their transsexuality—especially Jorgensen, who lived until 1989—Meyerowitz gives serious social history an engaging human face. Informative and absorbing.Kirkus Reviews


This unusually intelligent and straightforward cultural history…convincingly shows that our coming to view ‘biological sex’—the physical markers of femininity and masculinity—as malleable rather than immutable constituted one of the most profound moral, social, legal, and medical changes in twentieth-century America.The Atlantic

If one reads the above article; Why Is The Penis Shaped Like That?

               One clearly sees humans where having sperm wars. the female was allowing more then one male to breed herself, that it is our nature to breed when able etc.

               This is clearly "Biological", so why would it not be by Natures design, create certain males.whom could / would submit to be in female role, in time of need, say when lack of Females / availability of females was low in numbers.and the Androgynous-feminine male is not competing with the other males for the females

                 for example in the gang-bang setting ;   A scenario- lets say there is a tribe/  group. say 10 males old enough to mate, yet only 2 females able to two of the males of say Alpha status, are mating with them, the other 8 males see this, yet know it would be dangerous to try to mate with the females. Yet because the Androgynous male knows to help avoid conflict in the group, if he submits,allows all 8 males bred him,let them ejaculate in his bottom,  the conflict is over, all are content, so the Androgyny becomes a Peace keep,,,this is well documented through history,if one wishs to inquire!


                            Might be tough to swallow, yet humans evolved,still are, and by Natures Design!

I love just jacking a guy off
We as Fem-males could get "boned" as often as wished, by as many as possible of the members daily

I have learned ways to live with my Dysphoria, yet not easy, 

Dysphoria (from Greek: δύσφορος (dysphoros), δυσ-, difficult, and φέρειν, to bear) is a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction. In a psychiatric context, dysphoria may accompany depression, anxiety, or agitation. The term is often used to refer to gender dysphoria, experienced by people whose gender identity does not align with their sex assigned at birth, and who may undergo sex reassignment surgery. Common reactions to dysphoria include emotional distress; in some cases, even physical distress. The opposite state of mind is known as euphoria.

The American Psychiatric Association permits a diagnosis of gender dysphoria if the criteria in the DSM-5 are met. The DSM-5 states that at least two of the following criteria for gender dysphoria must be experienced for at least six months' duration in adolescents or adults for diagnosis:[19]

  • A strong desire to be of a gender other than one's assigned gender
  • A strong desire to be treated as a gender other than one's assigned gender
  • A significant incongruence between one's experienced or expressed gender and one's sexual characteristics
  • A strong desire for the sexual characteristics of a gender other than one's assigned gender
  • A strong desire to be rid of one's sexual characteristics due to incongruence with one's experienced or expressed gender
  • A strong conviction that one has the typical reactions and feelings of a gender other than one's assigned gender


                        Few examples of the context/content of my routine encounters

                                 This friend here for example liked to mostly masturbate then climax in my mouth

            he wouldn't " bone "me, felt it would make him feel homosexual, it was common to see him 3 or 4 times a week, 

            for him to want to ejaculate in my mouth...I do know one thing, most guys love " when you swallow their climax "
Me getting Boned,

Here is friend who would stop by maybe everyday one week,2 or 3 times next week etc. really give me a hard pounding, usually 10 minutes he would climax, then head home to his wife, she was aware of it.

   This was my most common scenario, at what I prefer, at one point I was like a part time hair stylist, in that from 6 to 10 pm , any given evening I might get "boned" by 4 guys or 10 guys, if say 3 guys came over together, and where gang banging me, they each might take turns boning me while I sucked the another, some guys I found can climax, and do it again in 10 minutes
  My point being here is , Say there was a Place as the "Indigo Club" a place where straight males/ married and with wifes known consent, come and fulfil both their sexual desire, and allow someone like myself safely be in our Feminine Role by getting " Boned " by a Straight male we desire. No one pays no one, it isn't Prostitution (Prostitution is the business or practice of engaging in sexual activity in exchange for payment.)



Jennie June was one of the earliest transgender individuals to publish an autobiography in the United States.[1][2]

Jennie June was born in 1874 in Connecticut as Earl Lind. She was born into a Puritan family.[1]

As a child, Lind asked others to call her by Jennie instead of Earl, and she spent much more time with girls than with boys. She became very shy and introverted when her parents sent her off to an all boys school and also became very depressed, considering suicide. Lind realized at a young age that she was an androgyne looking to change from male to female.[3] At the time, the term transgender was not prevalent; instead words such as "androgyne", "invert" and "fairie" were used. She struggled throughout her life up to her late twenties with her extreme desire to perform fellatio, claiming to have partaken in over sixteen hundred sexual encounters in the span of a dozen years.[4]


Like I point out Jennie June(Earl Lind) desire was to perform fellatio, mine being to prefer Anal if at all possible, yet I performed a lot of fellatio, as Jennie June point out in the book, always swallowing the male climax. I as well.

In 2010, Dr. Randall Sell, a professor at Drexel University, discovered a third volume of June's autobiography called The Riddle of the Underworld, which was written in 1921. This third volume includes an encounter in which June was beaten by men whom she tried to pick up. She once again defends gender and sexual nonconformists, insisting that they were simply born of a different nature, but natural nonetheless.[9] These newly discovered volumes provide an opportunity to look into more of June's deeply personal encounters and issues, and provide the possibility for other narratives to exist.

For example ;  Myself, I meet a group of guys in Chicago area, I could go up stay week end, they would have arranged a party for a Saturday,(there would be half dozen of Us Fem-males),the guests where all straight males though, I as well as the other Fem's would just wear  thigh-highs etc, dressed Fem, however we wished, the agreement for our part (Fem's) you had to satisfy the guests either by fellatio or taking them in you anally (they had to use condom), so for example I might be getting"boned", another guest walks over and offer me his cock to suck, just the guy boning me climaxs, so the guy I am sucking might start boning me, so in a days time I might of swallowed 20-30 climax's. The biggest /largest turn out party started at 12noon last til 3am,least for myself, I heard later thru the course of the day ,around 80 guys came by, and my friends whom arranged the party, thought I had been with all of the at least once, yet most of the at least twice, and most "boned"  me each time,they figured I had been boned at least 120 times that day, I by this time (due to previous parties)I knew most the guys at that party, I only did this about a dozen times in 2 years, I guessed on average though more like 100 times each, thus as far as encounters(that I took a climax), maybe 1200 times, yet only maybe 140 different men., I figured from 1997 til 2005, as far a encounters, maybe around 2800 times I either got boned or performed fellatio. Yet so hard to be exact,(yet only maybe 200 individuals) Once I had a regular group of guys that I would see routinely, it could be 30 times one week, 2 times the next ,etc.but I didn't have a regular group of men til about 2002, and Chicago parties where 2004-5,, Many,is good way to put it.I was a Addict!, if it was 200 times everyday, I would of most likely tried!


I think Jennie June was saying 1600 individual, from reading about half the book(Autobiography of an Androgyne  )

  it's difficult to read, least for myself.


….At that time if I didn't get "boned" at the end of every day, I was on phone or internet trying to find someone who would.I be telling the guys I seen routinely, if they knew of anyone they trusted,whom might want my company , to call. This often worked, some times to well, 2 or 3 guys I had never met might call, if I felt good about them in the phone conversation, I'd tell them I'd meet them a give them a blow-job,if when we met, all seemed ok.(I most often would meet first time in public place,go from there)

note; The guys I routinely seen,most often after 2or3 encounters where bare-backing ,and ejaculating in my bottom/very much my desire.If I felt good about a guy, I was begging him to bare-back me,I became a Pest to some, I actually was told by a few, to relax, they couldn't see me anymore then they where.
    It was really no different then my Alcohol addiction., only difference it was easy to get a drink.

3/2/2019 

Why did I like getting gang-banged?,  I think I love the attention, the induced feeling of be " Feminine and slutty at same time ", I love cock. love cock in my bottom. I love pleasuring a receptive/thankful man, listening to them moaning as they climax in me.Just seeing those cocks hard and ready to bone me...omg!

                                       "What will happens when porn is not good enough"

I was never addicted to Porn, most likely only because I was able to fairly safely get the real thing, and most likely because my goal was to be in my "Feminine Role " sexually. Yet what I was doing then was out of hand, the Addiction for me was actually to be "Boned", yet by not being able to simply have a Full time partner,due to Socially views, no male wanted to be with me full-time.


Here however is a excerpt from the above site " The Stages of Pornography Addiction "


           

Five Stages of Addiction

  1. Early exposure. Most guys who get addicted to porn start early. They see the stuff when they are very young, and it gets its foot in the door.
  2. Addiction. Later comes addiction. You keep coming back to porn. It becomes a regular part of your life. You're hooked. You can't quit.
  3. Escalation. After a while, escalation begins. You start to look for more and more graphic porn. You start using porn that would have disgusted you when you started. Now it excites you.
  4. Desensitization. Eventually, you start to become numb. Even the most graphic, degrading porn doesn't excite you anymore. You become desperate to feel the same thrill again but can't find it.
  5. Acting out sexually. At this point, many men make a dangerous jump and start acting out sexually. They move from the paper and plastic images of porn to the real world. 


excerpt of someone; .."When I personally got to the "acting out phase," I started fantasizing about what it would be like to actually rape a woman. I finally tried it one night when I saw a woman who "fit" the scenario that porn had taught me to look for. I was lucky. Very lucky. I didn't go through with it. After being reported, arrested and spending some time in jail, I finally was able to begin the process of weeding out the lies in my life that porn had put there.

Other men aren't so lucky. I realize now that with just a little push, I could have gone over the edge. I could have raped that woman and then killed her to cover my tracks. That's how Ted Bundy got started. When the porn he was addicted to wasn't enough anymore, he tried the real thing — rape, and then murder. When he succeeded, he did it again. And again. Pornography addiction is very serious. 

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As Dr Jeffrey Satinover stated in his 2004 testimony to the US Senate subcommittee on pornography: “Modern science allows us to understand that the underlying nature of an addiction to pornography is chemically nearly identical to a heroin addiction.”

excerpt from above site ;"My man and I shacked up for the big snowstorm in New York City a few weekends ago. On that Saturday, we couldn’t really go out and do anything, so we started with morning sex and decided to have a 'bed day.' We alternated between boning, eating non-perishables, and watching TV. We did it six times in about 12 hours."—Brenda F.

I was with a friend one day, most all day, just he and I , he ejactulated in my mouth once and 3 times in my bottom.

One has to remember it is easy to take cock up in yourself anally if prepared, and constantly stay lubed, verse sucking cock, which very demanding and one can only swallow so much cum ,before getting sick to stomach. It was common at times for me to give head to 2 or 3 guys a day during the week (they always climaxed in my mouth), yet if we could, I would try to get them to bone me, thus climax in me anally. Week ends where different because I could have a guy come to my place or I'd go to their place, where I most often suck them a short while, then get them to take their time boning me, then cum in my bottom, then there might be two or three guy at the friends place, thus they would all end up boning me,,,never knew. I almost always douched my bottom, after one climaxed in me, then the others would take their turn .In those days I didn't care if I went to party and 20 guys where there, if I knew they all, and they had boned me before, I wanted them to bone me bare-back and cum in my bottom, until know one wanted to anymore, I never stopped wanting to, the man is doing most the work!, as a Fem-male, I just had to spread my legs and lay there awhile if I got tired.

To be an ancient Roman male in good standing  meant  you initiated penetrating acts of sex. Whether you did this with a female or a male, slave or free, wife or prostitute, made little difference -- as long as you were not on the receiving end, so to speak.

Certain people were off-limits, though, and among them were free youths.
This was a change from the Greek attitude which, again to simplify, condoned such behavior in the context of a learning environment. The ancient Greek education of its youth had begun as training in the arts necessary for battle. Since physical fitness was the goal, education took place in a gymnasium (where physical training was in the buff). Over time the education came to encompass more academic parts, but instruction in how to be a valuable member of the polis continued. Often this included having an older male take a younger (post-pubescent, but still unbearded) one under his wing -- with all that entailed.


"Although later Romans sometimes asserted that homosexuality was imported from Greece, by the close of the 6th century B.C.E, Polybius reported, there was widespread acceptance of homosexuality [Polybius, Histories, xxxii, ii]." Lesbian and Gay Marriages

For the ancient Romans, who claimed to have adopted other "passive" behaviors from the ancient Greeks, free youths were untouchable. Since adolescents were still appealing, Roman males gratified themselves with youthful slaves. It's thought that in the baths (in many ways, successors to the Greek gymnasia), freedmen wore a talisman around their necks to make it clear their naked bodies were untouchable.


 So I would of fit in well as a effeminate passive fem-male.

 I think it is again important to realize, for when someone like myself . " when we begin to take the " role " of being penetrated, it is very life changing , I think this is why homophobia is a fear amongst so many.

     Once I not only willingly allowed my first contact friends to penetrated me anally ,yet once They ejactulated up in me , I could never again be anything other then a fem-male, I have never been able to not want to be a Fem-male , thus my strongest desire is to be bred by a man as though I am a female.

For myself , when I was seeing many men, my number 1 objective was always to have him bred me, ejaculate in my bottom.

  As I mentioned , I very much have a kindred spirit relationship in thought with Jennie June, 

I also think , like my work as a crafts person (carpentry etc.) I most often try my best to do the best I can do for my sake , as much as for the client. Just as wish posing as a nude model for Life Drawing, I posed the best I could, for my sake, I let men bone me for my sake, as it fulfilled the psychological need to feel feminine.


Thus if one truly comprehends "Free-will " as though stated by the famous quote " A man may do as he wants, yet can not want what he wants" ….my only option was to be Celibate, that still doesn't take away the want.

What does amaze me is ; How I have no desire for alcohol, when being so addicted to it, yet I have not been "boned" by a man in over 13 years, yet I still greatly want to be.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A Dilemma , I know alot about ; as I only desire Str8 men, so I can feel lady-like, complex but a gay male or bi-male can't make me feel " Lady like ", and it is not, for me to have sex with a gay male, or female 

Bisexual men and the transsexual woman. medium.com   ( me-( or gay ))

I believe the majority of men interested in TS’s are bi to some degree. Heterosexual transwomen generally want what GG’s want: A straight man, a guy who appreciates them for who they are, not for their genitals. TS’s typically don’t want to be involved with bi guys. They often cite a few reasons for this:

1. Bi men are attracted to the penis, an appendage they would love to convert into a vagina. 
2. Common statement: “He’s not attracted to me, he’s only attracted to my penis. He only wants a chick with a dick.”
3. She wonders if he will still be interested in her once she’s had sexual reassignment surgery to convert that penis into a vagina.

4. They are concerned that a bi guy will be sneaking around on her to meet with men.
5. They are concerned that bisexual guys are more likely to contract STD’s and HIV.

As with most issues, there is more than one side to a story. The fact that a transwoman was born male is usually a huge drawback for the strictly heterosexual man. Most straight men (but some are open minded) find the idea of intimacy (sex, kissing) with either a pre- or post-op transsexual to be very unappetizing. Therefore, most transsexuals do not meet many straight men that are prospects for a relationship.

As in the section above where some men pursue an unrealistic desire to find a sexually aggressive transsexual to “top” them, many hetero TS’s similarly pursue strictly straight men. They are seemingly unaware of how most of these men regard the prospect dating a girl who was born male, but nevertheless they still hope to fulfill the desire — shared with millions of GG’s — for a straight man. The evidence says this is a difficult path.

I’m speaking to the ladies here: The TS who keeps her transsexuality secret until significantly into a new relationship with a strictly heterosexual man is at high risk of being verbally abused and immediately dumped when that heterosexual man discovers the truth. She is also at high risk of physical assault.


Refractory period


 

In human sexuality, the refractory period is usually the recovery phase after orgasm during which it is physiologically impossible for a man to have additional orgasms.[1][2] This phase begins immediately after ejaculation and lasts until the excitement phase of the human sexual response cycle begins anew with low level response.[1][2] Although it is generally reported that women do not experience a refractory period and can thus experience an additional orgasm (or multiple orgasms) soon after the first one,[3][4] some sources state that both men and women experience a refractory period because women may also experience a moment after orgasm in which further sexual stimulation does not produce excitement.[5][6]- wikipedia 


This was a very defining aspect for myself as far as knowing being a Female roled male sexually, 

     The refractory period when I was a supposely Str8 male , having ejaculating with a female , I was very dis-interested in sex, I often felt sad, felt what I just did was some how not right


    ♣ Yet with a Man, though I am slow to ejaculate while getting boned I feel very good, if he hasn't ejaculated , he doesn't have to stop boning me and I am even more likely to ejaculate again in a short time. I dont have a psychological Refractory period as with which I had with females, saddness, total dis-interest in sex, Even if I have to simply take a break, potty break/smoke break, I lose no interest, plus when I do ejaculate with a man I am never erect, not the least bit, usually very tiny. 

Or say I am playing with myself while a man is boning me, and I ejaculate, I can just keep playing with myself, and ejaculate again very shortly, or say I am with a couple of men, I ejaculate, and I am performing fellatio on one of them, while getting boned by the other, I will lose no interest, and want to keep sucking even more, in hopes he will ejaculate in my mouth or as soon as the other ejaculates in my bottom, the one I am sucking , can then penetrate me anally so as to ejaculate.

___________________________________________________________________________________________


9 Proven Benefits of Semen that will Blow your Mind ; - stdcheck.com


Vaginal/Anal Intake

The vaginal and rectal linings are very absorbent, so either one is a viable route for soaking up the nutrients in your man’s spunk sauce.

Antidepressant

Semen contains quite a few components that have been studied to show anti-depressant qualities. One of these is nerve growth factor. Its primary responsibility in semen is to help relax the female so that the sperm can achieve its reproductive objective. It’s also been shown to be a vital hormone missing in the brains of those who suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. This means that increasing nerve growth factor would only prove to make people happier. Additionally, nerve growth factor has been found to be an anti-inflammatory as well as an antioxidant.


Antianxiety

Semen contains mood-enhancing compounds like oxytocinprogesteroneestrone, serotonin, and melatoninOxytocin is also known as the “cuddle hormone” because, when released, it makes people feel more affectionate and connected. Progesterone has been shown to have anti-anxiety characteristics. Estrone piggybacks on serotonin to help enhance moods, and melatonin helps relaxation occur.


Mood Enhancement

A study backed by the SUNY institute found that female college students who received baby batter on a regular basis were happier and less suicidal than those who didn’t. Researchers chalked this up to the mood-enhancing benefits of semen, however, they didn’t take into account any other factors, like a happy home life, being successful in school, or, I don’t know, getting raw D on the reg. Sounds like a pretty good place to be in life, and it sounds a little irresponsible to claim that the happiness of these women was directly dependent upon getting 20 ccs of white gold injected into them without taking any other factors into account. But what do I know? I’m no scientist. I’m just a chick writing a blog post about the benefits of man mayo.


 I do know that after I have either swallowed or taken anally a man's ejaculation, I feel really good, yet is it just that I got to be in my Female role ?- me

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Longevity

We know this might be hard to swallow, but yes, semen can make you live longer. Spermidine (originally isolated from sperm, hence the name), when ingested, has been proven to dramatically increase the lifespan of animals by as much as 25 percent. In the same study, it was also found to prevent liver disease as well as liver cancer.


Finally, and this is really, truly, the most important part: Make sure your source of semen is STD-free! You will do a lot more harm than good if you pour infected liquid gold all over your body. Let your man know that you’re interested in benefiting from his groin gravy, but he needs to get tested first.

One very defining difference in myself sexually, since accepting myself as a Fem-male 

... is the ability to  ejaculate by thought alone , and in the presence of a Man that is about to take me sexually , example  is, I had been wanting to see a certain man for some time, we had been talking on phone a lot, exchanging photos via. internet, he was very kind, yet also very much to the point, in how he very much wanted me " Lady Like",wanted me wearing thigh highs,gater, bra, I knew he was well hung, from his pictures, When we finally met, I went to his place, soon he sat down,told me to stand and un-dress for him slowly, as well as told me to tell him why I loved big black cock so much, so as I stand before him presenting my self, exposing my tiny, limp penis,dressed wearing my thigh-highs and padded bra, telling him how good I felt when a Real Man was ejaculating up deep inside., my penis tiny and limp,my body convulsed, and was in seconds having a extremely intense orgasm as I stood in from of him.


Another scenario, is when performing fellatio on a man while in his car, soon after getting his penis in my mouth, I often ejaculate in my pants while sucking him, I lose no desire to keep on sucking him tell he himself ejaculates in my mouth.


Even now,if I feel need to ejaculate, I will slide one of my dildos in my bottom,think about a man boning me, rub just the head of my - very tiny, limp penis-, and soon will have a very intense orgasm, ejaculating a large amount of semen, never being erect.


When I would ejaculate with female in the male role, I would have terrible Refractory period, after ejaculation emotionally, feeling bad, that something just was right. Once I took my role as Fem-male with myself being completely in female role, I noticed very early on, if I ejaculated, I had no negative emotional feeling, felt so right!, even if I had ejaculated, and my male had not, I would be sensitive, very ticklish, yet psychologically, I very much didn't lose interest, and loved a man to not stop.

 Often I seen several men in a day, and through out the day rare, but it happened some times, I might ejaculate 3 or 4 times.


Even now at 56 years old, if I ejaculate, I am in the mood again almost instantly, So I would be vary able to be a fem-male in the Indigo club scenario, and have sex with many men for hours, even if I ejaculate.

excerpt from site above ; 

    

The most common causes of the male orgasmic syndrome are psychological in nature. The responsible psychological mechanisms may be "intrinsic" (due to basic internal factors), or "extrinsic" (due to external or environmental factors).

Intrinsic psychological factors that may cause male orgasmic disorder include:

  • depression
  • feelings of guilt, anger, fear, low self-esteem, and anxiety
  • fear of getting the partner pregnant or of contracting a sexually transmitted disease or HIV
  • Extrinsic psychological factors that may cause male orgasmic disorder include:
  • living under conditions that cause undue stress
  • unsatisfactory relationship with sexual partner
  • past history of traumatic sexual encounters such as sexual abuse, rape or incest
  • having been raised in an atmosphere of strict sexual taboos

Environmental factors may interfere with sexual functioning. There may be no safe, private place in which the patient can exercise sexual activity or he may be too fatigued from other activities to participate sexually. The difficulties in striving for "safe sex" and the psychological effects and stresses that may result from homosexuality may also interfere with sexual function.



Read more: http://www.minddisorders.com/Kau-Nu/Male-orgasmic-disorder.html#ixzz5lftlwtef

excerpt from above Wikipedia site ;

 Once the first contraction has taken place, ejaculation will continue to completion as an involuntary process. At this stage, ejaculation cannot be stopped. For myself this is not true, if I mentally control my ejaculation, for example ; If I am getting boned by a Man, first my penis will be tiny and limp, I have never had a erection while getting boned or while performing fellatio, yet if I just rub and squeeze my penis head gently during our encounter, I will take myself to first sign of ejaculating, stop touching myself, then ejaculate a large amount, yet not have a true orgasm, I wait awhile, hopefully my partner call delay ejaculating, and in a short while I can start rubbing myself again to ejaculate, yet again surpress full orgasm, Often I will never allow my self to have a full orgasm, because I want to stay as interested as possible. Then later on after I am alone, I may allow myself to fully climax.(refractory stage occurs)

 (most I ever was able to ejaculate with a man in a encounter, was 3 full ejaculations, and not reach full climax, where I go through the refractory stage)..though even if I go through to full climax, the refractory stage is very short psychologically,..compared to sex with a female, where I often would get very sad,have a high cognitive disonnance stage, where things just are not right,... thus having sex in my fem-male role is much more pleasing, feels very right for me., very,very much more "Right"

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________


My conclusion is we have been severly lacking in the way we study the Human Psychic, for so long treating the mental state like the physical state, where one can say for example; this person has the flu, or a broken leg , epileptic etc. etc. The Human mind is so vast and complex, has a unbelievable potential, yet is so held by " Pre-Concieved Notions ", and " Bias", then throw in the great need for the " Seal of Certainity". and the chains lock in place.

believe me, I've been gang-banged by a group of horny black guys, and loved it
My Role
I love cock!
And Lots !
me getting impregnated (bred)

In 1540 or 1541, the Spanish soldier Hernando de Alarcon while exploring in the lower reaches of the Colorado River was given hospitality by the chief of a certain village. This chief explained that the four berdaches Alarcon saw before him, one of whom was the chief's son, were there for the purpose of providing sexual service to the community braves, obviously so that the same community's marriageable girls would not be violated. (A similar prostitutional setup could still be found among the Itzas of the Yucatan peninsula at the end of the seventeenth century (16).) Alarcon's informant continued by confirming that as each of these four males died, their places would be filled by the first male born thereafter. In short, in this case a community filled a sexual need from the latent or foetal male resources at its command. We will encounter the same institution elsewhere in the hemisphere at a later point - "Making the American berdache: Choice or constraint? " ( on site pdf )


Believe me from at least 1999 to 2005, my role was " purpose of providing sexual service to the community braves "


A big reason I conceived idea of " Indigo Club " while in alcohol rehab, I still want to  providing sexual service to the community braves  yet in a safe,structured setting, d/d free ,with married heterosexual males with consenting wives. Celebacy never gets easier or the urge to get impregnated doesn't go away.

I truly feel my role has been to be a berdache type transfeminine person

Realistically today,

 with my work schedule,etc. I think I could if all of us lived close by (same town), sexually pleasure a dozen guys a week

My own personal experience Having both  Uncircumcised Men and circumcised Men, in my Bottom , Uncircumcised is better if he is really big, (longer then 8")

                Being a Transfeminine-Female roled male _________

Believe me , I've tried many methods for keeping my " Bottom " clean,lubed in order to ready for getting "Penetrated" by men

I personally only would currently buy and use either Square Peg or Bad Dragon dildos which I use for cleaning purposes,

This is realistic for myself, due to slimness of slink

Bad Dragon dildos are great, yet say if buying the " Chance unflared " I'd only buy medium size, one is pushing one's luck with the thickness issue- my opinion.

Me with Bad Dragon / Rex dildo w/cum tube

                       My modified Square Peg dildo / 10"  , I only use vasoline as lube, yet with guy I always had KY jelly to lube his cock

Bad Dragon Rex

I have been cleaning my Bottom nearly every evening before showering using Slink, the modified 10" square peg, and Bad Dragon Rex, I feel better knowing I'm clean, can go til following evening not worrying of need to go poopy til then. I eat nearly same diet, which is big part of keeping clean.

This type encounter was very common if I was clean and ready to get "boned"

                  So I wanted to be Ready, cause my main objective is hopes that a guy I like will start to routinely " bone " me

           I was very lucky , back in 1998 - 2005 when I was having sex with so many men in my " Female role "

                       Sure I was very selective, yet still it was not so safe !

Looking back, I spent alot time just giving men "Hand jobs "
I never knew a man who didn't like getting " jacked off"

                                                                          And I love watching them ejaculate !

                                                                          And it is pretty " Safe Sex "

                                                                          And especially if he had a " big load " he ejaculated, I might jokingly say something 

                                                                          like ;   " next time though , I want you pumping that " load " up in my bottom ! "

A new friend might , on first encounter let me masturbate him til he ejaculated , next encounter he might let me suck him then ejaculate in my mouth, then that usually was common theme for a while,after awhile if I trusted him by then,and Him me, I would ask him if he would like to ejaculate up in my bottom , " bred me ",usually most would like, most would eventually start " boning "me on regular basis.

      Getting " Bred " by a man was and still is my number one objective, If I got a man's penis up in me and he is having a                             orgasm/ejaculating in me, that's the Best psychological feeling I can have, from a sexual view point that is !
           
      One reason , I feel so Female like, I really don't care if I climax myself, I want him too!; 
                                                             and up in me!

                    I'd love to dress for the "Men " who would come to see me at the "Indigo club " like above video shows me.

All the guys could let me Cast their hard cocks !

                What can I say, I love all the shapes,sizes of nice hard Cock, be nice to have a platinum silicone dildo of each one !


__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

One thing that would be great to study in the " Indigo club " setting ; is the Biological / psychological effects of taking semen into my body

Believe me I have always wondered why " I have wanted to be like the Girls ", dress like the girls, have a body like the girls, then after my sexual encounters at age 13 (taking semen in myself both orally and anally from other males ) Knowing since in my heart and soul, I should be at least in the " Female role " sexually.


     Then in 1998 when I was finally brave enough , and at the time invited by a man to be in the "Female role " for him (he asked me         if I like to suck his cock), I didn't hesitate, and said Yes!, it was like I'd been wanting for a Man to simply ask me for my entire               adult   life !...believe me, the moment we had his rock hard cock out, it was in my mouth, and I was sucking it like,like it was what         I needed for so long, and once he began ejaculating into my mouth, the was no way I was going to miss a drop !

      I knew I could never be in the " role of a man ever again ", especially after he started penetrating me anally, bare and ejaculating          up in my bottom. I really couldn't get enough, I wanted boned/bred all the time, to point , I became a nuisance to him, then                  asking him if he had any friends who might like having me sexually "lady-like", and he set me up with guys he knew. Thus soon          I was getting boned or sucking etc. if at all possible at least once  daily. Then it became a problem, like missing work, cause if I            could see 5 guys one day for example, I would !, was like I couldn't let any fish get away thing !.

       By 2000, my guess is I had at least 30 some men whom routinely where ejaculating in me ,anally or orally or both.

     ♥ By then I had men coming to my house alot, then a few neighbors hinted it " looks like your dealing drugs ", so had to cut down           at visits to my house, so more meeting some where, drive around while I gave them a blow-job or if lucky find a safe place                   where we could get out so they could "bone me". Some times I'd go to there place.

     ♥ By this time I was pretty much like a " Call girl " except a " Call girly-by ", which I did want all my men to call me their " girly-boy           friend ". I want a wood shop,especially for building the wooden boats, so the first thought of the " Indigo club " enter my mind,             thought being " why not find a shop, turn it into a wood shop, yet fix up a area within it with a nice room with full bath/shower,               where the men could come have sex with me when they could, and if I could be in the shop working regularly, they could even             just stop in any time they needed pleasured, publicly it would just look as though I was building something for them.

     ♥  I really really like getting "double teamed " by two men who are friends, as I can have a cock in my mouth and bottom at same            time, so a shop would be great place they both could be at same time, though I have been with 4 friends at once, masturbating            two at same time, while sucking one,the other boning me - very,very tiring!..though the large amount of semen I take in my body          in one setting like that..very much is a big high !, thus I do believe taking semen into my body could be a anti-depressant,            and  for me like a addictive drug!,,I know by then if I had gone more then a few days without having a man ejaculate up in my           bottom, I was on the phone calling one of my men ,,telling him " I need boned ! "

        Yet at time, or really never have had the money for a home ,plus a shop, I talked with some of my men, some seemed at time,             willing to pitch in on rent cost, and in Essense I dropped the ball and didn't make it happen ! If I had,I most likely wouldn't be                 writing this, and I'd have a shop and a Indigo club within it, and hopefully would be getting " Boned Daily " !!! and be a ;                                                                     - Girly-boyfriend for many men ! -   and safely !

At the time (2000) I had come across the Term " Indigo children ", and upon study I felt I had similar traits.especially -Are empathetic, curious, and strong-willed

                                                                               And I love the Color !

I think Straight men are letting fem-males like myself pleasure them more then known 

Excerpt from ; (Straight men who have sex with other men-news.com.au)

        " 

It is not necessarily about sexual attraction to a gender, but sexual pleasure.

Finding a gay man who has experience in this was not difficult at all. Max* informed me that finding straight men to hook up with is not that hard. “It’s pretty easy to find if you know where you are looking. Probably any toilet you go to is a beat,” he said.

He also informed me of a recent encounter he had with a straight man at a sex on premises club who he thought was gay.

Towards the end of the encounter, his phone rang displaying a photo of the man he was hooking up with and his wife on their wedding day. This was later reconfirmed by a text message which said, “You give head as good as my wife does.”

I also spoke to another man who has a glory hole (a sheet in his apartment that has a hole in it which sexual acts can be anonymously carried out through) and puts out ads to have encounters with straight men only.

    

“The majority of straight men who are going to a glory hole are going because they don’t want to see who is on the other side. It is about just getting off.

Is it that easy to find another girl who is just willing to give a blow job and say nothing more? Guys know what other guys are like. Guys just want to (get off). It sounds harsh, but it’s true.”

As much as gay men are willing to boast about their encounters with straight men, finding a straight man who engages in these same sex experiences to talk openly was like the hunt for Bin Laden.

The research on non-gay identified MSM population continues to build, and its etiology and outcomes will become increasingly clear.  For many though it is a source of shame and secrecy, which unfortunately counters the conclusion of the renowned sexologist Alfred Kinsey:

"Only the human mind invents categories and tried to force facts into separated pigeon-holes.  The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects. The sooner we learn this concerning human sexual behavior, the sooner we shall reach a sound understanding of the realities of sex."[iii]


                         Understanding Straight Men Who Have Sex with Men

The above article is one of the few that looks at the issue

  

       ♠ "There's growing evidence that many men who have sex with men aren't all gay or bisexual. According to the Centers for Disease Control, more than 3 million men who self-identify as straight secretly have sex with other men—putting their wives or girlfriends at risk for HIV infection and other sexually transmitted infections.- another reason I concieved Indigo club, to help stop this, straight men ,can come bone us transfeminine males as often as need with wives,girlfriends permission, observe as their partner treats a Transfeminine person - Me- like a female, bred me like a female!-me

To best treat these men, therapists and clients need to be able to differentiate four terms that are often confused: sexual identity and orientation; sexual preferences; sexual fantasies; and sexual behavior. Contrary to common usage, they aren't always in alignment."            ♠ Then they go on to say this " Why Men Have Sex with Men" then as though they simply Know!

                    "  For straight men who have sex with men, same-sex encounters aren't about romance or sexual attraction and desire, but about sexual and physiological arousal—"getting off" with another who's male and accessible. They don't sexually desire or get aroused by looking at other men, only by the sexual act. But if they don't actively desire other men, how do they get to the point of having sex with them? These men typically want to bond with and get affection from other men. Their behavior may reflect a desire to experiment, to engage in something that's taboo, or to express inner psychological conflicts involving their sexual feelings and desires that have nothing to do with having a gay or bisexual identity."

                       " Straight men who have sex with men do so for a variety of reasons.;

1. Some have been sexually abused and are compulsively reenacting childhood sexual trauma by male perpetrators

2 some find sexual release with another man more accessible; 

3 some have sex with men because it's easier and requires fewer social skills than those required to have sex with women

4 some are "gay for pay" and get financial rewards; 

some like the attention they receive from other men; some like anal sex, which they're otherwise too ashamed to talk about or engage in with their female partners.

                       

Gay Guise - What to do when your client has sex with men, but is straight

By Joe Kort   

 " 

Paul, a slim, attractive, 29-year-old white man who owns a landscaping company, was referred to me by his therapist (with whom he was making no progress) shortly after he attempted suicide. He told me that eight months previously, Julie, his fiancée, had discovered that he'd been having unprotected anal sex with men. When she confronted him, he denied it, but soon broke down and confessed. Devastated and angry, she broke off their engagement, accusing him of being duplicitous (she believed they were monogamous) and secretive. Worst of all, she felt frightened that he'd put her at risk for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

Paul loved Julie and said he knew she was the woman for him. They'd dated for three years and been engaged for one. He hadn't told her about his homoerotic tendencies, nor had he confessed his suspicions that he might be bisexual. Then again, he thought every guy had some homoerotic thoughts that he probably kept private. He couldn't understand why Julie was so angry with him or why she didn't try to understand what he was going through.

Instead, Julie had rebuffed all his desperate and obsessive attempts to win her back. Ultimately, she'd had a restraining order issued against him. Shortly after this, Paul engaged in a binge of sexual acting-out with both men and women, culminating in the suicide attempt that brought him to my office.

This has happened many times: a man comes into my office, referred by his own therapist and clutching coming-out literature the therapist has given him. He explains that his therapist has tried, unsuccessfully, to help him come out as a gay or bisexual man. But even though he's had sex with other men or gone to gay male Internet porn sites, he insists he isn't gay. He says he isn't homophobic, either; if it turns out that he is gay or bisexual, he'll accept it and move on with his life—but it just doesn't feel right to him.

Historically, psychotherapy assumed homosexuality was a psychological disorder. Therapists focused on helping clients "recover" and find their innate heterosexuality, much to the harm of many gays and lesbians. During the last three decades, in reaction to these prejudiced and destructive attitudes, we've seen the pendulum swing so far the other way that it's now become almost a therapeutic credo, not to mention a requirement of political correctness, to assume that men who have sex with men are "in denial," and that the clinician's job was to help them recognize and accept their "true" homosexual orientation. In fact, neither extreme represents the experience of many men.

                                           For example I've never been in denial, I love being Transfeminine/third-gender/female roled male,,my situation is living as this in a Society, that doesn't overall have a clue to what being Trans is, so assume it must be a freaky thing,mental illness etc.

Looking at above article by Joe Kort;

  " For myself being Transfeminine and wishing only to see str8, cisgender men, I think overall  for the men I actually had sex with it         would fit 2 and 3, and experimenting sexual which may be 5, it is unclear when states- some like anal sex - does that mean they          wish to be penetrated or be the penetrator ?.  For example if a man want me to fuck them or want to suck my penis, I told them           that I am the wrong person for them, that I was 100% female roled, and desired to be as lady-like as I could be. And there where         many men whom wanted to experiment with me , themselves wishing the Female role, yet no way can I, I would tell them I best            relate to third-gender , like the berdache,muxe,ladyboys.

    In the above article Paul states he doesn't think he gay, yet feels he is heterosexual, so another aspect as I had to figure out " I don't see myself as gay, either but very much see myself as a type of transexual, in that ,if the male to female  surgeries where more affordable, and more advanced, I would get a vaginoplasty and breast implants

 This shows how complex things can be !, another excerpt of article ;
   " 

Kort dares to challenge conventional wisdom and politically-correct thinking in exploring the possibility that straight men may engage in homosexual behavior without being in denial about their own truly gay or bisexual nature. He not only asserts that there may be classically psychodynamic and situational reasons for heterosexual men to engage in gay behavior, but that occasional sex with men may simply be a normal variant of heterosexual male sexuality.

Kort and his client seem to agree that a simple desire for homosexual sex doesn't constitute bisexuality, because the sexuality seems to be so focused on the sexual experience, rather than on any interest in or possibility of a same-sex personal relationship. In other words, just because one might like an occasional cigar doesn't mean one wants to date the cigar maker.

Ultimately, the therapeutic challenge in Kort's case is the same as that in all of our cases: to help our clients find their way home to their true natures, with compassion for themselves and carefulness toward others.

Author's Response

I appreciate David Treadway's understanding of the subtleties of this case. This client's behavior was homosexual, but, in this case, his orientation wasn't.

Kort and his client seem to agree that a simple desire for homosexual sex doesn't constitute bisexuality, because the sexuality seems to be so focused on the sexual experience, rather than on any interest in or possibility of a same-sex personal relationship. In other words, just because one might like an occasional cigar doesn't mean one wants to date the cigar maker.(for myself, I want a man to take me as full time partner as a Transfeminine/female role person)


My approach is different from the reparative therapies or sexual reorientation models, which state that there's nothing "gay" about homosexuality, and that any gay or lesbian identity is heterosexuality gone wrong. It's also different from those that presume that any homosexual act signifies gay identity. Therapists sometimes rush in to make these types of judgments, with negative consequences for the client at times. I feel that this case underscores the need for psychotherapists to approach these cases with an open mind and a framework that allows for the wide spectrum and broad possibilities of sexuality and sexual orientation. 

Still it shows how important details are; Like what is Gay behavior ?, was Paul sucking cock or getting his sucked, was Paul the bottom or Top, 


                                                                          Good point Joe makes  " few know "

A point about " Straight Men having sex with men " , I very much agree this men are attracted to Women intimately , for example the men I've had sex with,we don't make-out,kiss etc.(a reason I am not gay) I myself am not interested in that, I simply friends ,yet he is treating me sexually as though I am a " Lady ".  This is very good way to see what I feel is difference between myself (a transgender person)  and   Gay- two males whom both feel very male, their gender identity is - Male-,...….. where my gender identity is - third-gender-(highly psychologically female,100% sexually female roled and life long desire to have a vagina not have a penis)

Like for example I don't relate to a two gay men relationship , not that it isn't right, it's that I am like a female wanting male partner. I want to dress like a female, have sex like I am a female, be like a female much much more then be like a male. Like Joe mentions in the video above if a gay man is at the beach, the women , he isn't sexually attracted to, I am same in that I am wishing to see a str8 male whom might want to " treat me like a lady ", so I want to be wearing a female swim suit, have a flower in my hair, I want to be seen as a Transfeminine / female roled male, thus a str8 male hopefully is at least interested enough to come talk to me, I can tell him I am 100% female sexually, I just happen to have a penis, yet wish I had a vagina, but I sure have a good tight " bottom "..lol 

  Not that I do greatly admire women's bodies as beauty, yet I also envy, in that I want their bodies, I want to be able to take a man in me in my very own  vagina  !, or simply just not have a penis, cause then I am assumed to be male in my mind, just because I have a penis, it not so bad I can't accept having a penis, it's just doesn't fit my psychic.

Since it on my mind ,that is since 1998 when I actively took my role as a Fem-male/female roled male, little understanding has taken place, if it where not for the muxe,of mexico, the berdache of native American tribes, the ladyboys,  fa'afafine of Polynesia...I would have no gender to relate to (' To different cultures or individuals, a third gender may represent an intermediate state between men and women, a state of being both (such as "the spirit of a man in the body of a woman"), the state of being neither (neuter), the ability to cross or swap genders, another category altogether independent of men and women. This last definition is favored by those who argue for a strict interpretation of the "third gender" concept. In any case, all of these characterizations are defining gender and not the sex that biology gives to living beings.) I can relate to. only that I am- "spirit of a woman in a man's body"

I think the stance many m to f transsexuals take in saying " I am now a female because I made myself look like one "- is a set back, especially when we are already being called - mentally ill -, I understand their great desire, yet in reality, we are -"spirit of a woman in a man's body"             

     - just my opinion, and believe me I've asked many men to " pretend I am female ", yet I am not,nore can be.

Even though "Terrace" and the " Indigo club " might seem unattainable now, a day could come when both are a reality.

                               "The Last Man Standing parties"

                                                      ( I seen these parties as more of a " Ritual " for the men )

       In 2000, I met a friend of friend whom was routinely boning me,any way this new friend had never boned a male,so after we all talked a bit, and I personally felt ok about it, I let them double team me,(my new friend wore condom).

          After they had both ejaculated, we sat around talking and "newfriend" whom was from the Chicago area mentioned these                     "parties" he and group of friends (50-60 straight men,married,white,black,any race ) would have, They called them "Last Man Standing parties", they'd  have them at one of the guy's homes in rural area, a estate, big house ,pool and in wooded setting distant from neighbors,  They'd  have maybe 20 beautiful strippers that they hired.  (everybodies nude)


         Everybody had to have been Tested and safe free from HIV all STD's, Once I attended to parties, I had to after that point ;

                             " No longer see any body sexually other then the males of the group"

          The  " Theme " of party was that every male was to " bone " the girls as often as possible / wearing a condoms, yet not to                      climax, or in essense by 1am the idea was to still able to get a "erection", yet to have penetrated  each girl (even if only for                  a  minute, to have cock fully up in her-bottom or vagina) as many times possible.

          note- each time a man penetrated myself or the girls, a new condom had to be used, thus bowls of condoms everywhere,                   I actual spent a lot time putting the condoms on the men, when they where ready to penetrate myself or the girls'


         

My newfriend suggest maybe I could come up and be a waitor, dress as a Fem-male, thigh-highs-garter, apron etc. He told me he'd tell his friends or let it be known , that if any of the guys wanted to " Penetrate me " just as they did the girls, they could. It's didn't take much thought on my part, I replied " When is the next party, I very much want to try it "

Just the thought of being with 50 or so nude men with erect cocks whom just might want to bone me like a lady , at same place and time, as a "Fem-male" like me, was over whelmingly erotic, 


           Figuring out what to wear, how I wanted the men to see me was so exciting, I so much want them to a accept me as being                 different.yet just treat me as one Girls to !

I was used to dressing sexy for men,yet not in the company with a bunch of nude females
First and foremost I wanted the men to like my "Bottom"

One thing I do is exercise my tightening my botton muscles while cleaning self with my dildos, So when a man gets his cock up in me I can grip it tight, hang on,,it don't take long and most guys will be ejaculating, but at the partry I at least wanted to give them a taste of what I have to offer as a Femboy, and hopefully they'd want me alone, so I could prove how great "boning" me can feel, and then give me their ejaculation up in me. " My real secret motive of going to parties "- yummy!

At the time of attending parties a question I'd have ,do I shave my self completely smooth,have landing strip shave like alot of the girls did
I knew for sure I was going to wear thigh-high w/ garter, yet which set ?

                                                                             Making of my Fem-male Apron for party

do I have a apron to cover my limp femboy penis ?

                                                                     How the parties went for me

                                                    (Fem-male waitor-drinks and warm wash cloth/ ky- jelly provider)

                                                  "Getting to be Like One of the Girls"

                           I think this might of been the best aspect of the parties, just getting to be like one the girls,them accepting me as a                                femboy, having all of them (the girls) see that I could get penetrated as they, wearing my thighs-garter,and padded                                top. A comment the girls made was " your better at getting cock up your bottom then most of us "..my reply most                                  often was " Only was I can be like a Lady, so I practice a lot more maybe ",or " It helps that I love cock in me, just                                  wish they all could ejaculate in me !"

       ♥   Quite a experience, one minute I might getting a condom on a guy, while another has his cock in my bottom humping me,,I spent a lot of time just masturbating guys! And they very much tried not to climax, for they might for example come up to me,their cock fully erect and ask me if I wanted to ride it for awhile ,usually I did,,so they would lead me to a lounge chair,they sit back on it, I'd straddle them on the chair , lower my down onto their cock and ride it Fem-boy style, maybe 20 seconds then step up off, then maybe say to them , " can't wait tell next time,next ride ".

Because of the setting,context and content, the fact I present myself dressed so feminine and it being a very new experience for all the men , and group approval,  All of the men showed me much attention and where making equal effort as with the girls ,to penetrate me and get up in my bottom for a minute or so of thrusting,,many times each,so for example I might go deliver some drinks to 4 guys sitting at table by the pool . They all might have me sit on their hard cocks , similar fashion as below image 

I'd just get them up in my bottom all the way, step up off move to next guy

Once I'd talk to guys, telling them I might look male, in my mind, my desires are as much "Female " as any of the girls, and the "need to be bred" by real man,   might even be stronger, cause I am very much not a man in my heart.,  So when you slide you hard cock up in my bottom, your doing me a great favor, in helping me feel " Lady - Like ", not only did this seem to take away the "gay" stigma   thing, they seemed to become empathtic, thus showing me the attention, by making it a point (as a group ) to see that someone  had their cock up in me, as often as possible, so if I wasn't rounding up drinks, wash clothes, etc. I had a cock up in me in some fashion. Other then when I took breaks to douche, have a smoke, it was seldom more then a few minutes that one of the guys was up in me. 

I did alot of intense leg shaking
I'd usually face away from them,yet similar if the guy was on lounge chair,the girls would often sit facing the guys chatting
I'd ride them til they told me to step off,which was soon.

Thus ,at times there might be a dozen different tables , that say I did this at in a hours time, I might of sat on 40-50 men's cocks

I figured each guy had been in me at least 8 to 10 times after before 1am (party started at noon) so about 300 to 400 little individual actual quick full depth/pull out penetrations.That was first party which 63 men where there.10 girls and myself.


                  " After doing the parties the one thing I know, is I love cock in me, and can be like the ladies in this fashion "

                  " I can relate very well to the ladies whom , know sex can be a " Performance ", a way of making a living "

                  " Even in this "setting " my own penis stayed tiny/limp, which I greatly wondered how that would go prior to the party"

                                                                    (though I did masturbate/ejaculate just before the guys started arriving)

                   " My only disappointment, would be at night's end , I very much wished they all could have ejaculated up in me, which                            wasn't allowed "  A big reason I thought up the " Indigo club " idea, for me, I very much want a man to be able to                                ejaculate up inside my bottom....being copulated/bred is a very important psychological feeling to me, for example even                      if I start out giving a guy a hand job, blow job, my objective always is to get him up in my bottom deep, and have him                            ejaculate, so I know his semen is in me . I am very much like a female in this regard.


                       Though several of the men whom I really hit it off with, I'd tell them " if they like to " bone me " alone in private at a                                 later date, I'd really love to have you ejaculate up in me " slip them my number, most would call, thus I'd start seeing                             them privately when able, and taking their semen up in me. So by the 2nd year I was going to the " Rituals ", a good                             many of the guys had been with me privately, many of which where when they had to come to the city where I live on                           business, I'd go see them at their hotel, often it might be 2 from party traveling together, so they'd double team me.

                        In actuality by the 2 year, after getting to know all the men, I wanted to see them all privately, so they could actually                             start to routinely ejaculate in me. I thought about moving up there , and starting the "Indigo club " , cause I truly                                     wanted to be getting " boned " all the time, I felt realistically I could pleasure 6-12 men a day if full time at it and just                             have a woodshop, making products etc. So if 6 of the men from parties seen me 1 day,6 the next, 5 days a week.                                 I'd get ejaculated in 30 times a week, which would be realistic.

                        As much as I love cock in my mouth ejaculating so I can swallow, by that time I was tired of the meeting men , driving                           around , me sucking them til they ejaculated, I deep down always wanted them up in me ejaculating, So again how                               could I make a safer place where this would work, where I can be dressed " Fem ", be ready to get " boned ", where                             all the guys know each other, where say 3 or 4 want(or more) to get together stop by one evening, and gang-bang                               me, in reality even today, I love to routinely get gang-banged by all 63 (wearing condoms, pull out and ejaculate in                               my mouth so I can swallow- which I have done this with a dozen men with no problem ) in one setting.cause I know I                           could handle it.I love semen, With 63 ,I'd have to take of few breaks and drink .note (getting double teamed  semen                             from  previous guy isn't  leaking out of my bottom,so not a  issue for the men) but once I've been ejaculated in twice,                             my rule is 2 ejaculations I  have to clean myself/ douche


                 

                       One thing I liked a lot the girls accepted me like one of them, like there was a nice big walk in shower the girls                                      used,they invited me just to shower with them.
Friend ejaculating a big load for me to swallow

In the past, if I have been gang-banged, one man is boning me wearing condom, when and if he has control, when he is ready to ejaculate, he pulls out gets around so I can quickly get the condom off, then begins ejaculating in my mouth, at the same time another guy is getting his cock in my bottom, then humping me ,,doing it again,again,time all are done. I have done this with as many as a dozen guys, and in less then 15 minutes everyone has ejaculated in my mouth.-Many times like this, with same group of guys. (most often I'd tell the last guy to not wear a condom, and ejaculate up in my bottom.)


From 2000 til 2005, I was very much single,self employed, and hadn't gotten my dog George yet.So through out the summer months I was able to attend all 4 of the " last man standing parties ", the parties being great, but being able to meet, the see the guys a individual basis, where they could take their time with me was greatest part.Because I got to know they at this personal level, they could empathize much better with me, and the dilemma of not being able to find one straight male permanent mate, especially where I could publicly dress feminine, because they knew I really wanted to be Female like, they didn't feel their own masculinity threatened, they'd start even telling me things like ;" I glad you are a Fem-male, cause it makes it different, and since I'm married, if you where really female. I most likely wouldn't be seeing you routinely "

   Many guys have told me " I've never had a female like swallowing their semen " or " I've never had a lady want me to fuck them in their bottom "

   Some of the guys , getting to know their personalities, and seemed more stressed often, I might ask them if they might like to really man-handle me , Like I might say to them, " I need you to start telling me what to do !, if you want your cock sucked, pull it out and tell me to start sucking ! " or  if you want your cock in my bottom - " sit down , pull it out, then tell me to come fuck myself on it ! " or " just simply fuck me as hard as you can! .I wanta be your slut, you can fuck me like you want !..I love to get my boy-pussy pounded !, I want my little limp fem-boy penis flapping /slapping like it will fly off! (which I really do )

                     " I'd like to have a T-shirt that says something like -
   " I'm a Femboy, with a Real-man's Cock in me,I don't need it,so it stays tiny and limp "
This is pretty good representation of diversity of men at "Standing Man" parties- 60 or so

After going to "Last Man Standing " parties, I realized as a Femboy, it was possible to be penetrated many,many times in one day, keep clean by being aware.

My little Femboy penis slapping about ,Imagining I'm getting a good hard boning
All Girl sexually, I am !

The Point I am trying to make here ;  Might be put like this " Sure maybe there are very few males like myself, whom feel so Female like in their heart and soul , that they desire to be in a relationship like a true Female is, and partner and mate with a Straight male, in a constant everyday way, Yet since society condemns this, individuals like myself have had to seek out many males whom are willing to mate with us in a very part time way..thus it ends up in a more extreme way,in that by finding as many males possible, might improve our chances of finding one, that will commit to be a Full time partner!

                                                              The Roman's sexual Rituals

                                                              Modern Day Sexual Rituals

note ( all of my life, I do know I have had a very strong desire to be " bred " as though I was a female , I always felt I got                                 a girls brain at birth or something of that order )

                              Silly but true, I thought many times,(fantasy) if enough guys ejaculate up in my bottom maybe I'll turn into a girl !


I put this video here , in regards to " Change ", as I have learned ,it is very hard to change, yet know as well, doing the same thing over and over, isn't " Change " …..this a Huge human dilemma !

We have to Learn to live in Society, have rules, empathy for others etc. Beyond that it best to be a " Individual ", think for one's self.

For example ; All my life " I've wanted to be Like the Girls, be a man's Girly- boy friend ", this desire has always been with me like,        the " the need to breed ", simply different in that , I've wanted the Female Role, sure I have always wanted a female body, to be able to be really impregnanted by a man ,to be able to breast feed, ...but I can't,  yet still do try to do best I can with what I have.

             Just like so much of Life - " It's a Performance , you can do best to get good at it, or simply do everything half-ass "-

For example ; Posing for Art classes is very much a Performance or at least it should be, I had Poses in my head,ahead of time,

                       I wished to perform. I needed to feel good,act good,be good at what I was Doing !

  Having Sex  maybe be one of the greatest Performances you just might get to try!, and the Consequences are High !


                                                          So, as Paul says in video above " Think "

                     To many people think they think- due to Tunnel Vision thing, and they are the Ones driving this Ship !
Huge reason I thought of Indigo club, was simply to have a place to "get boned safely "
All the driving around,find a place where the guys could "bone me"
Me - In my Role -
I showed up to many a men's hotel rooms dressed similar to above

Prior to "Last Man Standing Parties"

 I'd meet a man online, flying into my city for business,at near airport hotels, he'd be seeking a Fem-male like myself for either a good blow-job, yet more often then not a good he want a " Fem " he could " bone ", which usually when I left he'd boned me(wearing condom). 

 If he routinely came to my city for business, which I seen many men who did (black,white etc.) I most often would let them ejaculate up in me after a few encounters

My problem was I lived 45 minutes from airport.

Yet I would check the chat rooms which where city specific daily, usually there where men wanting a "Fem" like myself , to bone, or just get a blow-job, for example back then Craigslist had the " Men seeking " ads , during the week, if I weren't so selective, I easily could have got " boned ", every night at least once, some night during week quite few times - Just From men Flying into town on business"-...I spent a lot,alot time and  gas driving over to the near Airport hotels, If I knew I was going to meet a man, often I'd post a ad, then on Craigslist that might say " Fem-male going to be at "''''''''' airport between 6pm til 12might, looking to have a kind,caring,safe clean Str8-man fuck me silly -with condom " some times quite few men might contact me ,if was few hours before I left for airport. For example one night I remember well, I seen the man I originally had date with-he boned me-, then 4 others for quickie's, home by midnight. After that 3 of the 5 routinely would call me if they where flying in. Plus I'd tell them if they had a friend whom flew in here regularly, that might wish to meet me,,too call me,,,this happened more then I thought would, and lead to a lot of "getting double teamed" and "gang-bangs", A lot of the guys from the " Last Man Standing " parties, seen nearly once a month by flying in on business, which I very often got "double teamed" from that group of men. this could happen very often,or very little,depended on business they where doing.how long they'd be staying, for example if they where staying 3 nights, often they'd want to bone me all 3 nights

  So, after a few years of this, I had no need to get online, as there where more then a hundred men I met in this fashion that routinely boned me, thus it was very common to be at one of the airport hotels at least once a week.

 I'd often look at the Craigslist ads for large cities like Chicago to see the ads ..there where many, at one time I even wanted to move to Chicago, live near O'hara Airport, so I could meet the men flying in out of there, even to point of doing it full time, and in essense be a Full time Call Fem-male and get paid.

note; Once I became involved with the group of men of  "The Last Man Standing parties" , I only seen them individual, no longer used craigslist......thus eliminated that need, yet not for many others, the Need for some thing like Craigslist's model very much still there (city specific)


I was still going to the hotel's ,yet to see guys from group, the "The Last Man Standing parties"   where held in Chicago area, yet the guys where from all over the country.


By finding this group, most likely saved my life,  as I was safer,  very much like a " Call girl " just a " fem-male"

                                The Symbolism of The Craigslist dilemma !


     I had people say to me; " That is sad craigslist had to eliminate the "Personals "


       My reply is ;   " No it's a lot more then just sad, It's a Major step backwards for a Society as a Whole "

                               We have a Huge issue  - Why can't so many not Behave ?-

When I made this video; I was trying to get a feel for the "  Vulnerability " the native American's must of felt as, Their Country was being Invaded by so many white people, many of which whom did not care of their well being.

As a Transgender person , as a Female roled person, I am no different then any other person in the United States or World for that matter, in that I have, by Natures Design ,the biological need to Mate, in my case as a Female


                                                                   How does a Person like my self -Find that Mate- ?

                                                     Well up to this point - any Creative, as safe as possible way I could !
      
                                                        Craigslist (a aspect of society/ a entity of society) helped greatly

                                                                      This is Gone now, whats Next, then Next ?

                                                 So you've got Morals of people, whom as long as it suits their life style it's ok.
                                 
                                                                 and the people with Few Morals whom simply can't Behave!

                                                                                            What a Dilemma !

                                                                                        Yet this is the Results

                                                                               Are we Moving Ahead as a Society ?


                                         I do know, it is Most likely that those whom;  can't behave just might get eliminated 


                                                    And it will be much better that the Meek,and those whom Behave survive

                                                                        That's Nature's Morals by Design , I believe

                                                                                  And I really don't Like having Guns

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

                                                                Getting Tested for HIV, STD's

Behaving means , being Mature, Caring, and It's Easy Now to get Tested compared to 1998 for example

Think about it , If I as a Fem-male, being in the female role with 50 selected/screened men(as of Indigo club framework) whom have been tested and are Safe, stay in the boundries of having only sex with me (penetrating me anally,and ejaculating up in me), and have a female partner or none, There is going to a good chance it will be safe.

                           Male Sex Work

In Essense from 1998 - 2005,  I was , or could of been called a male Sex worker- instead of a "call girl " a "call boy "(just didn't get paid in money)

In Athens, the legendary lawmaker Solon is credited with having created state brothels with regulated prices. Prostitution involved both sexes differently; women of all ages and young men were prostitutes, for a predominantly male clientele. 


Simultaneously, extramarital relations with a free woman were severely dealt with. In the case of adultery, the cuckold had the legal right to kill the offender if caught in the act; the same went for rape. Female adulterers, and by extension prostitutes, were forbidden to marry or take part in public ceremonies.[2] The average age of marriage being 30 for men, the young Athenian had no choice if he wanted to have sexual relations other than to turn to slaves or prostitutes.

kinaidos (cinaedus in its Latinized form), or μαλακοί malakoi : a man "whose most salient feature was a supposedly "feminine" love of being sexually penetrated by other men."

 “Pederastic partnership was considered reprehensible before the boy was twelve years of age, preferable at about the age of fifteen, and terminated or adapted to a new style after the age of eighteen when the boy’s beard was fully grown.” -Acceptance through Restriction: Male Homosexuality in Ancient Athens Brigid Kelleher

Although foreign to us moderns, the cinaedus was a familiar figure to ancient Greeks and Romans, whose identity raised concerns about gender. The cinaedus and the commander-in-chief The cinaedus was frequently mentioned in classical sources due to his brazen effeminacy, untoward sexual behavior (most often a “shocking” desire to be anally penetrated by other men)

Male–male rape

Page from an incunable of Valerius Maximus, Facta et dicta memorabilia, printed in red and black by Peter Schöffer (Mainz, 1471)

Roman law addressed the rape of a male citizen as early as the 2nd century BC,[171] when it was ruled that even a man who was "disreputable and questionable" (famosus, related to infamis, and suspiciosus) had the same right as other free men not to have his body subjected to forced sex.[172] The Lex Julia de vi publica,[173] recorded in the early 3rd century AD but probably dating from the dictatorship of Julius Caesar, defined rape as forced sex against "boy, woman, or anyone"; the rapist was subject to execution, a rare penalty in Roman law.[174] Men who had been raped were exempt from the loss of legal or social standing suffered by those who submitted their bodies to use for the pleasure of others; a male prostitute or entertainer was infamis and excluded from the legal protections extended to citizens in good standing.[175] As a matter of law, a slave could not be raped; he was considered property and not legally a person. The slave's owner, however, could prosecute the rapist for property damage.[176]


Attitudes toward same-sex behavior changed as Christianity became more prominent in the Empire. The modern perception of Roman sexual decadence can be traced to early Christian polemic.[227] Apart from measures to protect the liberty of citizens, the prosecution of male–male sex as a general crime began in the 3rd century when male prostitution was banned by Philip the Arab. A series of laws regulating male–male sex were promulgated during the social crisis of the 3rd century, from the statutory rape of minors to marriage between males.[228]

The Spanish conquerors were horrified to discover sodomy openly practiced among native peoples, and attempted to crush it out by subjecting the berdaches (as the Spanish called them) under their rule to severe penalties, including public execution, burning and being torn to pieces by dogs.[14]

Men were free to have intercourse with men, but generally only acceptable in instances where the masculinity of the freeborn Roman citizen wasn’t subject to the law of Lex Scantinia, otherwise bringing his name and family reputation into dis-repute or infamia (infamia – A loss of legal or social standing).


Lex Scantinia was a Roman law that historians believe was created to penalise any male citizen of high standing that took a willing role in passive sexual behaviour. From a societal perspective, to be “passive” or “submissive”, threatened the very fabric of masculinity, with feminine traits, submission and passive mannerisms being an act of the lower class and slaves.