I think this topic, is tough one,at least has be for so many years, and a Question we all can ask ourselves, " Why do I wish to appear like that ?, and is it for myself, the world, in what Context / Content ?. At what degree of the Form of this thought will be;
Good Enough to satisfy ?
or in maybe Plato's concept of " Forms " what is the Ideal Form that fits me, free from Pre-Concieved Notions" ;
Contrived (deliberately created rather than arising naturally or spontaneously) by myself, or the Society.
I do know, ever since my first experience being a " girly-boyfriend " being taken sexually a " like a girl " by a boy-friend, that is what I always felt I natural should be. I do know I have always wanted to Attract a Male to for sexual / mating, The need or like of being around women, is kinship (non-sexual), and at times I have hoped a female friend might introduce me to a male she knows, thus I have always had a strong desire / want for a female friend to Know that I want to be in the Female Role 100% sexually as female as I can be. (very difficult in a society,that doesn't readly accept transgender).
I've always felt this a key part in having a Society accept people like myself, call it third-gender,transsexual,the key component is " Female roled male ", least in my case ,that is the model of the "berdache ", the early early explorers referred them as, at least in most basic forms, each individual has own way /traits as any human being.
I do believe when I see a male I desire..call it what you will ,but I call it I go into " Heat ",,and I want his penis up in me ejaculating! ↓
Thus in my mind,it's all about projecting to this male, that I am attracted to ; " Here I am, I don't want to be in the male role, imagine I am very Feminine like a female, that is how I want to be treated, like a - Lady -, that's why I dress more like -a lady -,and have a flower in my hair "
So in Essense looking Feminine, by wearing more female clothing, having flower in my hair has 2 very defined purposes;
1. psychologically help me feel better, in that " I can feel much more Lady-Like "
2. It may help me Attract a man whom is interested in me as a Female Roled male, yet due to current Social climate, this can be harmful in quite a few ways, or else I would always dress more Lady-like (wear padded bra,flower in my hair,dresses,skirts)
Yet if this Sculpture ↑ represents persons partly female,partly male.... it doesn't represent the order or manner in which I feel, My desire, or how I feel best represents how I feel is by - not having a penis,thus anatomically looking female by having a vagina and defined female breasts, yet same male appearance facially, just bit longer hair.
Thus a mix of Female / male, just more female, and nearly 100% sexually female
I've heard the so called experts say " it's sexual erotic,etc. for someone like me to dress more female like, that isn't the case with me,
it's because it makes me feel as my identity is!, does a female feel sexual erotic every time she wears a dress?, or does she wear things like a dress to make her feel feminine, it is no different for myself, I want to feel feminine,
First Reason is most likely , because psychologically / mentally. I feel very, very Feminine and I love to treated like a female by straight men sexually. Appearing feminine as I can, help my self feel much better. I know when doing the Transfeminine nude poses in the Woods, it helps me feel better, gives me a chance to act out being very Feminine,the Way in my heart I feel.
I thing I feel as well if I appear as Feminine as I can, if by chance a man does come along, he will clearly be able to see my role is very much the Female role.
Though maybe odd, difficult for many to understand; my sexual desire is to be penetrated, not to penetrate like a normal male does.
I like the phrase " Spirit of Women in body of a man "
The biggest or most command feeling that compels me to Pose as lady-like as I can, is Due to psychological I feel as every day passes, I want and Need to be more and more Feminine, I so feel good being feminine, I've known for a least the last 20 years, My true role sexually is 100% female, yet until last 5 years, abouts,the actual desire to appear more and more lady-like has become more acceptable to my mental state, thus more comfortable revealing how female like I am, and should be, need to be.
It is really need to be, as one needs to drink
Accepting the fact that I don't wish to be male like in any way really....after fooling myself into trying to be like a regular male for at least 35 years, it has been a long difficult process, to accept the fact that I feel so female like inside, so much want to be like Ladies.
I had never Paint shopped photos before this last year, so when I did see my without a penis, I knew without a doubt, that I was very much more female like then male, as I like myself so,so much more Not to see a penis on me.
I think 2 years in alcohol rehab. then last 3 years intense research,soul searching, I was trying to be a man, yet looking back it was a act, I was trying to do what men do, and just can't work, when not a shred of you wants to be like a man, I don't like what the real man likes, do really fit into , never have doing manly things, I like doing much more in a feminine way, even as a carpenter, I do it in a feminine way.
I know if I knew myself 20 years ago, I most likely wouldn't of had a alcohol addiction, most likely would of been seeking the ways and means to transition into a person I feel I should be, a big part of that is the Vaginoplasty or Vulvoplasty surgery , so could not have a penis, and feel sexually complete in my Female role with a Straight, Cis-gender Man.
I do think the type of Man I desire, would like me better if I was much more female looking , and not male looking with a penis.
First Pose of 2019, april 21
One thing have always known cocerning my posing is,...never once have I wished to appear "Manly ", and I have always wish to appear more Feminine, that has evolved simply to higher degree to fit my real feeling of " Feminine."
I also feel, if some sees my work (my posing,thoughts on being transgender,fem-male etc.), they might see, it as a alternative, or it may just be knowing that people have to learn to know themselves in away that not imposed , constructed by society.
first poses of 2019, april 21
I've pulled my penis up behind myself like photo above, looking in mirror dreaming,wishing to appear female like in this fashion long before puberty.Finally giving up, and comply, to try, to accept having a penis.
Many times I have read what the Researcher say about transsexuals , men who want to be female, yet I believe each person must have their own story. I have seen where a man like myself whom wishs to have a vagina, is turned on sexually by it, that isn't the case with me, I like seeing myself like this because it is how I feel I should look , from a draftsman's point of view if creating something new. And knowing what it is you wish to create, "The Blueprint "
Looking at it from a " Need " stand point , then comparing survival need of say needing to eat and drink,stay warm etc to keep our bodies alive and well these needs must be met, From a psychological or mind stand point, our needs must be met even more so to thrive, do well, or like in my case due to the fact I was in such a high state of " Cognitive Dissonance ", not knowing it though, my relief came from Drinking so much Alcohol for so long, I was destroying my body, Not until spending 2 years in a environment which to a high degree Outside of Mainstream Society, was I able to take the time , have a safe place to live, help from other, a type of mini society or tribe I belonged to (about 230 men ) and counselors/teachers. Only through study, self-inquiry, could I see that I had to accept myself as I am, that I am a male of the transgender type, that all along , all my life I was needing to be female like, and not male like, once I did the desire for Alcohol slowly disappeared, when I walked out those doors leaving the Rehab Center, I knew I would not ever drink Alcohol again, and 3 year later now, I have had no urge to drink do any kind of mind altering drugs etc.
I do believe now, until Society see that the Mind, and it's well being is just as important to the Survival of Us as human beings as much as any physical condition in the long run, and as a Whole as a entire Human Species " More So possible ".
If the Individuals Mind can not be nutured to thrive, to progress, then what are we doing here,?
- I don't like at all talking about a subject like below, yet I lived with a lot of people like the homeless portrayed in video - below, while in Rehab, in Downtown area of Detroit Michigan.
If we don't become much ,much better parents, create much better ways the individual can have purpose, and be part of a non-destructive tribe, instead of a destructive "Gang ", more and more will happen as is in places like Seattle ↓
It's a big Dilemma, and the Wealthy, don't have a answer, yet Now the problem is entering their backyard, isn't it to bad, someone didn't think about taking care of the Whole of Society, so in the end that Wealth, is going to get Shared!.
I think we have to take a Long hard look at such studies and research that for example Simone Weil was looking at in " Need for Roots" and the Purple stage of Spiral Dynamics.
This is where my studies on the topic of " Beyond Chiefdom " lay
One thing I could see very clearly while in Rehab, and due to fact I lived in away outside of Society, yet mingled in it due to the fact I worked 8 hours a day at a Salvation Army store right next to downtown Detroit (10 minute walk to city center), yet by living this way, all my needs where met, all I had to do was work hard, study hard, be humble, I was lucky, my body got better, along with my mind.
Yet what I could see best of all was the " Pace ", we live at pace, where we can't pay " the Attention required to have a Good Society
Wishing I had a Female looking Vagina
And, it has been my desire to be feminine in this fashion,to have a vagina which I can be penetrated in, maybe I will not for some reason, find the way to succeed at getting the surgery, yet at least I know it can be done, what it may look like.Any plan has to begin some where.
I know the top picture very much fits me best
I took to being in Female role instantly the moment I switched from seeing females to seeing men, as though by instinct I knew my true role, thus the desire to present my self to the Men as Feminine as I could was a really intense urge,need etc.
For myself it was very clear early on , and though by Instinct, " I wanted a Man to breed me, get his penis up in my bottom and ejaculate " , thus I wanted to define myself in the female role clearly.
I always have told men , I wished to see sexually (date and mate ) , I want to be treated " lady-like ", be their girly-boyfriend, perform fellatio on them, as well have them penetrate my bottom "bare-back" (no condom), so they could climax up in me, thus they must be safe / disease free
At what point I realized I was , 100% by Instinct sexually -Female-,
yet soon, but I felt so good, so right being like a female with a Man
I felt so good, wanting to dress sexy for a Man, Imaginining,I was really a Female.
I have not liked having a Penis most of my Life, to some degree, always a shadowing desire that I'd seem better to have a vagina, hard to explain, yet maybe like the penis just didn't seem right on me.like offensive some how,,,quite nice the penis,just not on me.
I can pretty much safely say, down inside I've wished to appear similar to above image of myself, most of my Life.
Whether I ever actually achive having the surgery, ever have a sexual relationship with another (not be celibate) is secondary to the fact of simply knowing this is how I feel best , how I should be, and a good thing, least for myself in coming to terms with a life long internal conflict." Thus the Berdache Way concept at least kinda my way "
indigenous societies did not prohibit or denigrate same-sex sex as long as it occurred between a masculine and feminized male (or berdache), with the berdache assuming the passive position.-Retracing homophobic tendencies in two Central American novels: Hector Tobar's The Tattooed Soldier and Javier Payeras' Ruido de fondo.
"They are not viewed as a man or a woman, but their own alternative gender. It is not uncommon for a berdache to become a wife to a man " - "The Berdache Tradition"
Is it not natural for most true psychological females to wish to appear " Feminine " as they can be ?, I am as they, as psychologically. I am very Female like, just some how things got cris-crossed at birth, I didn't get a true female body, thus my mind doesn't line up with my body appears like.
I love to be " Penetrated " , not to be the male who " Penetrates " , ultimately simple as that, for example ;
I love beautiful women, would love to be surrounded by them, yet I have no desire to " penetrate " them as a straight male might.
My main discomfort / dysphoria / cognitive dissonance has been from not wishing to have a penis, and feeling I should be female like, in having a vagina....I very much don't like having a penis, in that it doesn't fit how I feel with my identity.Thus I have for most of my life felt I should look similar to the images portrayed in video above.
When I pull my pants down,skirt up etc. I don't like having a man seeing a penis, and important I convey to him, even though I do have a penis, I still am psychologically very much like a female sexually.
One reason, I haven't had vulvoplasty surgery revolves around question above, as I wish to at least keep one testicle inside my body for testosterone production...yet have found no research on topic.